Discussion of "The Unknown: Caged Hens Don't Fly" by zatoichi

Excellent piece. Your attention to detail brings the story to life. You've progressed the story along, giving us more while deepening the mystery. I love the whole 'blue chalk ladies' idea. I give you a 4.5 - good luck!

A really well written; I wouldn't be surprised if you win round 2: 4/5.

ug...now I can't decide...this one is really good too....this one and the trust one are tied for me for best...

the trust one is good too, but I meant the plan

Thanks guys. The only thing I'm worried about is there are quite a few people on this site that aren't fans of gore. I don't feel the chicken is too much but who knows what they'll think.

I think someone with their panties in a bunch (and by saying that, I do not in any way mean to indicate this individual is female) is running around rating down chapters out of pure spite. I'm watching numbers drop before my eyes, and frankly, none of the chapters are bad enough to deserve the scores they're being dropped into.

And I don't think you need to worry about the gore - I read your entry in round one, and this is stinkin' TAME in comparison :-)

Well, I'm glad someone else noticed it. It's up to the judges anyway so it should work out.

And yeah, I try to use gore in a very surreal manner not like the usual excessive arteriel spray. I don't want anyone to go "ewww." I want them to say, "Well, that is...odd."

its gotta be a few somebodies...

Well done! I got a "children of the corn" feel and that's great! Maybe incorrect, but that's what I got..lol. Excellent writing and plotting, you added to Mrs. B character and introduced a mysterious "villain". You also have a great leave for the next chapter...What more could anyone want? My vote: 3.5
PS..I wouldn't worry about too much gore. Yes, there are some who don't care for it; but, there are an equal number that don't mind it at all...on the contrary. The "gore" in this chapter was, to my thinking, practically non-existent in comparison to other stories posted here and, in some of my own stories...lol.

I sometimes give people a 2 if I think their story is weak - I don't think we should be so critical of people who vote low, but rather those who vote low without providing any feedback or suggestions on how to better the story. Really one of the best things about Story Mash is the chance to get real constructive criticism from our peers. And not every chapter IS a 4 or a 5. Sometimes they need work.

In this case I really liked the Blue Chalk Ladies - it creates a personality for the 'villian' without giving away too much so it really builds suspense and curiosity. And I wouldn't worry about gore either. If a reader votes you down based on that alone then they have issues.

Thank you very much for taking the time to explain that to everyone. I know we're all on here bitching about scores but it's just frustrating that we're getting tanked without an explanation. Kudos.

PS - I love your title. I don't have time to read all the second Chapters but I picked yours right away because the title is so intriguing.

Ooh, I really like the cryptic messages being left for her. They're creative and not at all typical of threats. I feel like she's going to uncover something big. Nice.

You have some really great lines - "The Blue Chalk Ladies want you dead." and "The brisk, frigid air slapped me in the face as I stepped outside."
I noticed a couple grammer issues, a paragraph written in present tense while the rest were in past, and a couple run on sentances. However, it was a very intriguing story, and the angle you are taking this is incredible. 3.5

I liked the cryptic messages and I like the concept of "The Blue Chalk Ladies".

I'm gonna give it a 3.0

I liked this chapter. The cryptic messages were a good fit for the chapter/storyline. You have a strong uniqueness to your writing, and I like that.
The introduction of The Blue Chalk Ladies was a good concept. The gore is not strong at all. It actually fits nicely.

Good luck to you. 4

I liked your approach to this chapter, and you focused on moving the plot along. Having the plot be from students at school, a great twist. I would have liked to see Mrs. B follow up on the blue chalk ladies in this chapter, or hint to how she planned on investigating - she is an FBI agent after all. I guess you had her not taking the threat seriously until she saw the stapled chicken, which is a valid choice but it made her less interesting and more passive for that. I liked that you kept the Amy plot point alive, and you gave us a bit of local color. Some of the writing felt stilted and jarring. Try and avoid strange descriptions like tears that silently crash, and change up some of your sentence structures so you don't always say "As I was doing X, I did Y", or "I did Y, as I was doing X." Overall, a decently written, creative chapter. 3

For some reason, when I saw "Blue Chalk Ladies" the first thing that came to mind was "Two by two, hands of blue." Don't know why though, 'cause nothing else felt "Firefly." But then, I really wanted the inscriptions to rhyme.

The "feel" of this chapter is definately your style (compared to your other works - though less graphic). Some of the flavor of the first chapter was lost though, and I'm not sure I can put my finger on the where or the how...

Yay Firefly!

A little odd, but I like it;) I like the concept, Blue Chalk Ladies… maybe they’re the other teachers and Ms. B is too curious for her own good? Don’t know but I love the name and I love the direction. I think you were a little short on atmosphere. Ms.B muses about loving the conversations in the grocery store, but doesn’t have any. Which I thought especially odd since she could have asked someone about the Blue Chalk Ladies and maybe pushed us more forward plot-wise. All the while you could have given us more of a sense of the town. So over all, I love the creativity, but I wish you would have developed this chapter a little more. Given Ms. B more direction maybe?

Great opening--definitely pulls me in.

Honestly, I was seriously irritated when Jake said that the Blue Chalk Ladies wanted Ms. B dead. I was like "WEAK! This writer can't just play it off like that!" and then I kept reading, and I must say: Well done.

The premise is extremely creepy, and I dig it.

The transition between Jake and Ms. B's conversation and Ms. B putting her coat on is rough--is it the next day, or later in the day? Clarification is needed here.

Change up your sentence structures. You tend to use "as" A LOT in your writing--watch this ("as I grabbed," "as I hurried," etc.).

Proofread, proofread, proofread! There were several instances where a word was left out or something.

The ending was awesomely creepy--I loved it!

Great job!