Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill - Chapter 5: Adara's Time to Shine (Revised)" by xvoorheesx

I never read contest stories until I've posted my own. I don't want to be accused of plagiarism...lol. Seriously, I posted my last revision about an hour ago and was just about to read your chapter when I saw your revision chapter posted. Excellent writing and a great take on this chapter!! While I would like to have seen some forward progress on Miguel and Father Preston, you held my attention with Adara and Paige. Great ending...it tied up the loose end (Esperanza) and brought Miguel deeper into the story. Overall a very good job!

Thanks! And I also do the same as far as writing and posting mine first...then reading everyone else's. I think its smarter that way. I would like almost a full chapter (maybe chapter 6?) dedicated to the relationship between Preston and Miguel, however I felt that now was the time (chapter 5) that Adara finally stepped up to the plate!
Thanks for liking it!

Wow...I (along with a bunch of other competing chapters) went from a 3.4 to a 2.8 overnight! Is there some sort of conspiracy going on? If so, fill me in because I love a good conspiracy! And if you vote low (or high), let me know why, even if it is due to a shady government plot to keep the man down! Thanks!

I like the angle of this chapter

Thanks walkin'!

xvoorheesx:

Great job explaining why Adara decided to tell the family about her gift!!

"pulling into Starbucks for my daily dose" LOVE this line cause we all do this, right?

Loved the Hannah Montana reference!

Great hanger at the end. This is a real improvement from your original! You really took the comments you got to heart and used them to create a great chapter! My vote: 5

Thank you EA! I'm really glad you liked it!

XV~ I know I left a comment for you, or at least I thought I did....? Maybe I didn't hit send/save? Not sure, but I clearly remember reading this and leaving my thoughts. Okay, here they are; my two cents for what it's worth. lol I'm a firm believer in 'Show Don't Tell' when it comes to writing. To me, this applies in every story with exception only to somewhat 'stream of consciousness' writing and certain flash back scenes, etc. Show don't tell...I try to remember this when I write every sentence. And when I start writing things that sound like I'm talking to you, the reader, I go back and change it. I show you what I want you, the reader to see. And only that. I'm also a big fan of letting educated readers make their own leaps, conclusions and assumptions. It's important not to spell out everything. In your first sentence, this is what I see. Franco is concerned, confused and frightened. We can assume why Franco is all of those things, but maybe by expounding on just one of those emotions, or showing the result of one of those emotions, it might make more of connection. The next paragraph, ('For years I kept my emotions...') is lacking the show part again. Show the reader how she kept her emotions in check. What various remedies did she use? elaborate.
I had the impression that Franco already knew about the dreams, at least on some basic level. (ref. chapter 1) His reaction here (and Paige's) is key to heightening the drama. Have them 'react' because I don't see much reaction.
Watch sentence structure. A 'consoling touch' doesn't really help LIPS to smile, but can compel Adara to do so. Rework important/key sentences a couple of times, a couple of different ways to see if they flow better, or reveal more to the reader. I do like that you have Adara realizing that the vision/dreams are premonitory. I love it, in fact. This is key to giving her the power to change Paiges fate, her own and that of some future victims. But because of how important this revelation is, it needs more elaboration. It needs to feel as big as it is. (I too, dropped the ball on that one in my own chapter. I wish I could've reworked that, among other things.:) The dialogue scene which reveals her dreams to Franco and Paige comes across very hunky dory, hi-ho -cherrio. I would have like to see a plate get thrown across the room, some yelling, Paige running to her room. Some serious drama. I don't think Adara would send Paige to school. I'm a mom. So, as a matter of fact, I know she wouldn't. She would hide her somewhere, or ask Franco to watch her with his life while she hunts down this killer. Also, I thought the line about her feeling some amount of pride in her daughter having developed this gift was superb. Now, however, I want to know why. Why is she proud? That could be a cool insight into our main character's psyche. Love that you brought the Adultery murder (from dream 1 in chapter 1) to fruition. Thank you for that. I did the same; it bugged me that it was forgotten. But you told me about it, rather than showed it to me. I would've like to have seen it, in some form. She should have more of a connection with this one. She was in this woman's body in the dream, and this turns out to be Esperanza? That's a cool coincidence that would again, let us into Adara's heart a bit. Love that Miguel was her lover. At the end, Paige should be more nervous or confused. maybe she should be on edge and jumping at every noise, every book that slams on a desk, every bell that rings, etc. This could heighten drama and then the voice of F.Preston calling her and Eliza to the office...da da da dummmmm!
Overall I like your ideas, and your train of thought. Your writing was not lacking talent, just a bit of punch. Give each emotion or revelation it's dues, and show how it feels to be Adara, or Paige or whomever. That was more like my 25 cents. lol Can't wait to see all of your future work here on SM. Foo

Foo: Thank you so much for your insight! It is greatly appreciated!
I've been writing scripts for the past 6 or 7 years, which don't really have that much show (leaving that up to the directors and actors), and have just recently got into novel writing. My mom is my proofreader and tells me pretty much the same thing. Its something I've struggled with, but have slowly began to improve upon within the last 4 months of writing. Sometimes my novel writing will read like a screenplay, and I will go back 3 or 4 times to fix it, yet I still do lack that punch you speak of. I guess I'm afraid that if I started to punch, I wouldn't know when to stop and I would end up with a 27 page chapter that branches off like a tree's roots.
My reasoning for sending Paige to school (and I know I should've mentioned it in the chapter instead of keeping it locked in my head), is so Father Preston doesn't become suspicious, like Adara is of him. She wants to make it seem like a normal day.
Anyway, thanks again for reading and commenting and am glad that you liked (even loved) :) some of my ideas! I will definitely use your advice to better my writing in the future!

XvoorheesX- I liked that you linked Miguel and Esperanza, I thought that was an interesting twist and helped to explain why Miguel is still a character. Kudos, as well, for wrapping up the adultery murder, that definitely needed to be done. And I love that Adara is owning up to her abilities and taking charge. I didn’t like Paige’s, I don’t know, gloomy acquiescence. She was upset, of course, but I felt like she lacked a real presence in the chapter. And I found it odd that Adara would allow Paige to go to school. I saw your reason, about Adara not wanting to tip off Father Preston… and I find it even more odd that Adara would use her daughter as a pawn. I felt like I jumped into an old episode of Smallville or something where children are allowed to take on such psychopaths. And I was going to mention the Show Don’t Tell Rule, but it looks like Foo beat me to it. Since it looks like that’s something you already recognize in your writing, I imagine there’s no point in nailing a dead horse to a cross;). Overall though, I liked your chapter, nice work!

First off, I caught your note to Foo (and the followup). Careful questioning judges' impartiality. I'd consider wwb and theblackhand friends and it doesn't stop me from bleeding all over their stories if I don't believe they're up to snuff.

Good wrap up with Esperanza. I'm not sure how/if she's involved in everything - I think of her much as a loose end. Same way I consider Miguel. Served their purpose, make them useful on the way out. (Some would say the same about Paige, and I wouldn't disagree.)

I'm baffled at Fr. Preston's announcement over the school intercom. Not exactly subtle - if either girl vanishes, suspicion has to point fingers his direction. Felt more like a mallet than a cliffhanger.

Even so, I like Adara's confusion about not seeing Espie's murder. After assuring herself she'd take control, a little tug of the rug beneath her worked well.

Here's to logical confusion. 3.5.

Still liked what I did about the last version- the tying things together and clarifying Paige's newly revealed abilities as well as adding to killer's tally. I thought the end with both girls being called into the office, though it does point a finger at Father Preston, still gives the next group of writers lots of less obvious options to play with too..do they even make it to the office? oooh! definately a good set up for some real action to come!
Chloe

Honey: Thank you for the kind words! I've struggled with Paige the entire story so far, mainly because I don't feel she's as important to the story as she is. I do think Adara is going to need to make a decision on using either herself, or someone she cares about as "bait" within the next couple chapters, but I do know what you're talking about with the Smallville comment. Thanks again!
Nash: I was talking more about the community than the judges, but I do feel bad for even thinking that. So far, this site has been awesome and everyone seems very honest and cool and I look forward to forming my own friendships with some of you.
Thanks for liking the wrap with Esperanza. I tried killing off Miguel in chapter 4, but since that didn't work, I had to kill off some of the loose ends. Fr. Preston can still have deniability since he's a well respected figure in the community and seriously, who would believe Adara? Once again, thank you for your thoughts!
Chloe: Thanks again for your kind words! I wanted to tie some things up while still leaving plenty for the imagination and for the chapters to come!

"Paige sat on my lap, my arms wrapped tightly around her shivering body." -- isn't Paige 14/15? For whatever reason, I don't see Paige as the type of teenager that would sit on her mom's lap. I would see her as the type of young woman who would be sitting alone, arms wrapped around herself, while Adara rubbed her back or something. This just threw me off.

The dialogue between Franco and Adara re: the newscast really being about Franco's restaurant struck me as strange. If Adara and Paige were having dreams/visions, wouldn't they have realized that they were asleep?

Your writing, overall, is clean and flows very nicely. A few sentences here and there are a little cliche' or over the top. For example, "I embraced Paige tighter than the day she was born."

I like the way you ended this chapter--you give mashers a lot of different ways to go!

Overall, good job!

Thank you Katrina. Throughout the past 3 chapters, I've gotten better with my struggles about writing Paige and hopefully I can overcome them before this story is through, or she's killed off (whichever happens first!).
Anyway, thanks for the comment.