Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not... Chapter 5: Adara's Time to Shine" by xvoorheesx

xvoorheesx:

This chapter in its entirety felt extremely rushed. The snap decision to tell Franco about her dreams, the connection with Paige and the quick exposition of the Crawford girl in the end. My suggestion is to sit down and flesh it out a bit more. The dialogue seems very forced and stilted. Believe me, I know what it's like to feel rushed in revealing plot, but this is just a lot of information force-fed down the reader's throat.
EA

I liked the way you tied a lot of the pieces from previous chapters together- the affair between Miguel and Esperenza made sense plotwise. Also the way Adara and Paige sort of "joined forces"- worked as Paige 's character comes more to the forefront and is coming into her own- "power wise". The dialogue was believable and the restaurant piece worked well to add to Adara's disorientation. I would have almost liked to read more. Maybe more detail on the discovery of Esperenza- that part seemed a little hurried and is a key element. Liked the last line a lot! Great hanger with a lot of potential. Overall nice pacing- covered a lot but didn't go overboard or get sidelined! Nice Job!
Chloe

Wow...2 completely different comments from 2 of the judges! I'm not sure what to think!
EA: You're right about it being a snap decision for Adara to tell Franco, but in my head it didn't seem that way. When I read it back after reading your comment, I could see what you mean. I do disagree with it being a lot of information, considering most of it (Adara's dreams especially) we all already know.
Chloe: Thanks for liking it! The limited info on the Esperenza murder was because it came from Methra's mouth, instead of the actual news (all the murders have been announced through the news so far so I wanted to change that a little). Maybe Chapter 6 could elaborate on it more?!

Thanks to both of you for reading and commenting. If I have time, I may revise it, without changing too much of the story because I personally like where its heading this way...or I may even come up with a whole new idea for Chapter 5. It all depends on time!

I added a Revised version of this chapter so if you want to comment or vote, please do it on that one, unless you think this one is better, in which case please comment and vote here! Thanks!