Discussion of "TSNK Chapter 7: Old Liars. New Truths." by xvoorheesx

I love the writing here, moves the along nicely and introduces new twists. Everyone seems to be in character, and the pacing is near perfect. So far, I am confused how Will is actually running the show when Jimmy seems so assertive and on top of everything, with his own motives. That said, hey, there are three more chapters to sort it out. In that context, I consider new main characters and the introduction of unconnected threads this late to be a little dubious, but well-handled it could also be a gift. All and all, good work, good writing. Nice contribution!

Thanks Cornelius! I figured that Will (who was introduced in Chapter 2 but has since been forgotten) and Jimmy could be old friends, both being involved with Methra at one point and since Jimmy has the psychological gift, but is locked up, he works with Will, through his agents, to help him get his point across. Either way, there are 3 chapters after this one to tie it all together! Thanks again for the kind words!

I totally get it and agree. Way to go!

Thanks!

(I'm totally new, so I hope I don't offend someone with my comments.) Holy cow, you moved things in a totally new direction. I like the way you picked up the Will Engram thread (that was bugging me too.) I'm also a little confused as to where Will fits in with Jimmy, or how or why his file got to Adara recently but Methra worked there for years, but that's something the next masher can pick up. Nice work!

Good comments, wolfram, excellent observations. I look forward to seeing what else you do here. I am new also, but feel free to look at my profile and see if you would care to mash anything I have done so far. I have made three contributions to the mashes in the "Projects" section, those stories are developing a bit slowly and need good writers like yourself to help finish them.

I'll check it out, thanks!

Welcome Wolfram. Adara had Will's file from when the neighboring doctor's practice (Dr. Sarkell) shut down. He was supposed to meet with her but never did (Chapter 2). So that's how she came to have possession of the file. I was thinking that Will and Jimmy could have been old friends, both having an intimate realtionship at one point with Methra. Anyway...thanks for commenting!

Thanks. On second read I still think you did a great job with this chapter, and my high vote reflects that. Good luck!

Wow! Interesting direction. I must admit I was not sure at first about putting Will in such a prominent place, but after I thought about it a bit I liked it. I like the thinker/thug team he and Jimmy make. As for the rest, it was well written, I thought you did a great job with the characters, and I love love love that you got poor Franco out of the house and into the mix. Great job!

Thanks Honey! I felt like Will needed to finally get placed into the story and I felt that his braun and Jimmy's brains would be the perfect match. Well, I'm really glad you liked it! Thanks again!

GREAT! Here we go again! Are there people in this community that just vote down certain chapters or writers?! Just like my previous 3 submissions, I went to sleep with a 3.4, only to wake up to a 2.7 and the only comments I received were positive ones!
Pleeeeease....if you don't like my chapter, cool, just please let me know why. And if you aren't reading the chapters and just voting down to me or other writers' submissions in the community, please STOP IT!
Thanks!

XV~ I just saw your comment. I agree with you completely, but I'm certain that there are people out there that are going to read and then vote without taking the time to comment. Until SM makes it impossible to vote without commenting, that is bound to happen. The good thing? It doesn't really matter. As long as you are in the top ten, you get fair voting from the judges. I do see how frustrating that can be tho. And I'm sure you know this, but f.y.i....you know I can't vote until the end. ;) Foo

xvoorheesx, I see your point, it doesn't make any sense to me that you chapter should rank lower than contributions that have not gotten any votes, i.e. the default 3.2. 2.7? Naw, it ranks much higher than that in my view! Just a word of acknowledgment and encouragement. :)

Thanks a lot Cornelius! That was much appreciated!

XV~ glad you are contributing to the contest again! Your chapter is nicely written and certainly pushes the plot along. Here's my two cents: I think you could cut the entire shoe reference in the 1st para. A good opening paragraph is key, and the shoe thing is unnecessary. I LOVE the desperation from Adara. Finally, the reader can feel a bit of that emotion and panic. The 'light bulb' moment gets lost in the paragraph. Give that the importance it needs. Show Adara coming to these conclusions/ideas and let comprehension dawn on the reader as well as Adara. Your writing style is nice, but there are places where you can omit a word or phrase to give the sentence more fluidity. (Ex: "I soon remembered the keys..." -drop the 'soon remembered. 'Show' Adara realizing the keys are on the counter.) The starbucks paragraph throws me a bit. You have me edgy and eager, waiting to arrive at the office and see what's there, and then you take the heightened panic and excitement for the reader (me) and bring it down a few pegs to talk about coffee. You need to carry the suspense of this scene through, all the way, without detours. In a few places you switch tense.
The passage regarding the office plants...? Again, I'm right there with you, I'm nervous, I'm excited and I'm ready to see what revelations will happen in the office and then BAM! You start talking about Boston Ferns. I would cut anything unnecessary that detracts from the build up you are trying to acheive. Great job pulling Will into the story. Very interesting that he is Methra's ex. I think you could punch up the entire scene where Adara is looking through the file, searching for contact info. Heighten the frustration, have her rip a few pages out of the file. Or throw something. She's soooo damn close! Draw out the suspense here and keep the build up going. Remember the show don't tell rule. Don't tell the reader it's a 'damning piece of evidence', let the reader realize just how damning it is. And Whoo Hoo! Finally we have a real, live MOTIVE! Good job here, X! A motive is key, and your motive is clear, believable and straight to the point. ;) The sexual scene between Methra and Barton....? It doesn't work. Not with the drama and not with the characters. If you really want a sordid, steamy, uncomfortable scene to take place (which could actually be cool if done right) then really pump that up. Give us some reactions from Adara, from Paige. Slow it down, give it a few minutes to make the reader feel as uncomfortable as it is supposed to, then have Will whack him over the head to end it. lol (I'm guessing you were trying to imply that Jimmy was getting some cheap thrills from behind prison bars?) Barton and Will seem less methodical and less sinister in this chapter than they have been protrayed in previous chapters. I think they are coming across as dumb, entry level criminals. (For Will and Jimmy, this would presumably be out of character-) You have a solid chapter here. If you can make a few revisions, it might be beneficial, in my opinion. I think you are doing a fantastic job of pulling loose ends together and pushing the story forward at the same time. For the most part, my only substantial greivance is that you detour from you own, well written build-up. I hope you don't become offened that I've pointed out these things. I think you have tremendous talent. Glad to see you back!

Thanks Foo! I had half of a kick **** Chapter 6 written at work but my piece of **** computer LOST IT!! It pretty much vanished into cyberspace and I was so bummed and running out of time to rewrite so I figured I'd just hold back until Chapter 7. Thanks for recognizing the motive! I wanted to get a motive in now before it gets too late in the story and a motive gets forced. I totally understand what you're saying about my detours. I was trying to add a lot more show and a lot less tell but I can see how it could sidetrack the reader. (I really need to pick my show not tell spots better!) You're right about Jimmy trying to "cop a feel" from prison, since I hinted at him having a relationship with Methra as well. Will is more of the vengeful nutjob henchman in my eyes. I will admit that I rushed the ending yesterday afternoon because I just wanted to make sure I was able to submit it before today's deadline. I will try to make some revisions before the deadline cuts me off. Thank you for the advice and thanks for liking it!

No problem! I enjoy reading your submitions; they always go in an unpredictable direction. As for 'show don't tell'...think of it this way- you aren't trying to 'find' things to show the reader...you are making sure that what IS written is 'shown' to the reader. Just follow your natural line of plot and double check yourself that you have not been telling things to the reader. does that make sense? It's not easy to explain. lol But it does make the biggest difference in writing. It's the writers way of aknowledging that the reader is smart enough to get what going on without have too much spelled out for them. I do like your chapter and I look forward to reading a revision-if you get the chance to do so. Foo

eek! typos typos! sorry 'bout those! Foo

Haha...it's all gravy!

Thank you, I do like to throw the reader a curveball, so to speak, without damaging too much of the plot or compromising the characters.
And it totally makes sense!
Thanks again!

Wonderful job, here, xvoorheesx! Foo has covered it all so I'll simply second the motion and add a high vote. Good luck in the final judging, you've got a really good chance with this chapter.

Thanks so much WW! I really hope I can win one of these last few chapters because I would love to see where the other terrific writers on here would take my ideas. Thanks again!

Very interesting connection with Methra and Will Engram! However, I was a bit confused where Will came into all of it. I thought Barton was the puppet with Jimmy as the master, but now Will is here? Overall, well written, just a bit confusing.
3.5
EA

Thanks EA. I was thinking that Will and Jimmy were friends, or even partners, before Jimmy got locked up. They both had an intimate relationship at one point with Methra. I still picture Jimmy as the main man in all of this who could also be using Will, as he is with Barton. I could've wrote a-whole-nother chapter explaining their relationships but I would love to see where the next person takes it. Also, the last 2 chapters have had new info that was confusing to how they fit in, and Will has been around for 5 chapters now and hasn't done anything yet. Just sayin'! Anyway...thanks again for reading and commenting!

I really like the direction you turned the story in — it is one of the first I've read where I feel like it actually makes sense WHY Paige was involved in the first place. I like the idea, too, of fleshing out Methra much more...giving her a past and yet also making her sympathetic. I think you need to watch little things like changing verb tenses within and between sentences and also incorporating backstory where it may slow the action down. But overall, nice work!

Thanks Holly! I struggled on this chapter with the verb tenses for some reason because I feel that I'm normally good with that. Also, I know I added a little too much unnecessary information that took away from the suspense but I am really glad that you liked the direction. There's yet to be a real motive and Paige has yet to do something worthy of being kidnapped so I just wanted to add new light on the plot without adding new characters. Thanks again for your kind words!

Hooboy. Methra and Will? This web is certainly getting tangled.

Strangely, one line annoyed/fascinated/confused me more than anything else. When Adara opens the file and tells Franco to “see if he can find anything useful.” What the hell would he look for? But isn’t that the point – she doesn’t know. Anything useful. That sounded like someone desperate. Though I might’ve liked a glimpse more of Franco’s reaction than “he did what he was told,” I kept returning to how much I liked that snippet. Weird.

I didn’t, however, like “Let’s go get our daughter back!” Sounded like a Rick Moranis line from the unreleased “Honey, I Lost My Psychic Child.” Too gung-ho, pull up your bootstraps, and I’m on a mission-ish.

Chance is Nothing. Niiiiiiice.

I think you tapped into the potential confrontation between Will and Methra, but you held it at a drip rather than a gush. Could be available for future contributors, I suppose, but it would’ve worked in yours.

Sit and wait is a hard hanger. Even if Adara is trekking toward the cave, Will and Barton need something to do. Silent could’ve provided motivation, perhaps? (3)

Thanks Nash! I really wish I had more time but the truth is I rushed to submit this and didn't spend as much time with Methra and Will as I would've liked (I actually had an additional 2 pages worth of chapter in my head). I knew someone would understand the Chance is Nothing line! Anyway...thanks for the comment. I'm glad I could keep you annoyed, fascinated AND confused!

And I'm really looking forward to seeing "Honey, I Lost My Psychic Child"!!! I LOVE those movies! Haha!

Aren't CPAPs just for people with sleep apnea? While the CPAP was a great detail in earlier chapter(s), it seems a little out of place here.

Proofread, proofread, proofread!

The mention of Jenny from Starbucks was great. Details like this make chapters all the more enjoyable to read.

I like that Methra was married to Will Engram. Great twist!

I do have to say that Methra's involvement seemed a little odd. Almost predictable.

This chapter ends on an odd note. We know that Methra's involved, but there's still a huge question mark...

Good job!

Not that this comment matters anymore since a winner has aleady been announced, but how does the CPAP seem out of place here? Adara's been using it for years and one would assume she would use it every night so if she falls asleep without it, it could cause problems for her! Also, other than a couple verb tense issues, where else must I proofread? I believe I have contributed some of the most grammatically correct chapters in this contest! And yeah, there's still a huge question mark because there's still 3 chapters to go! Anyway...thanks for reading and commenting.

Hi there~
I suppose I felt that there wasn't a real reason to call attention to the CPAP in this particular context.

Honestly, I would have to go back through your chapter in order to explain why I pointed out that you needed to proofread. I typically don't even bring it up unless there were multiple places that were distracting to me.

I understand that there are still three chapters and that not all of the mysteries should be solved--I suppose that the reason I brought that up was because it all seemed to come out of nowhere.

Happy writing!