Discussion of "TSNK Chapter 8: If Prison Walls Could Talk" by xvoorheesx

Overall I really like this, and hope it forebodes a competitive 8th round. I'm not so sure about Jimmy Silent being able to function so well on his own while also controlling a host or agent (I tried to establish Agent as Jimmy's terminology in round 6, but "Host" is ok too.) It seems well established, even in the early part of this chapter, that controlling others is very taxing and requires intense concentration in a state of meditation, so the escape sequence seems to happen a bit too easily - and the writing might seem a little rushed. More emotion, Jimmy's thoughts, how he is able to manage the escape, assuming it would actually be very difficult, or somehow describing how he has to let go of his host in brief intervals to keep the guard and himself in motion- that would be risky and ad tension to the whole escape sequence. I love the Byrd clue, and think it is an interesting twist to get Jimmy on the outside for a hands-on encounter with Adara. I also like that the master plan is getting monkey-wrenched without the main players' awareness, in that Paige and Methra have escaped while Adara has been captured. Nice twist. You do leave a lot for the next writer to tie up by alluding to Paige's father having such intimate knowledge and power in the situation, and a mysteriously close relationship with Methra (am I overlooking something from previous chapters? I only scanned them again before reading your contribution). I like the general direction this goes and the plot twists. Good work!

Overall I really like this too. I think you're doing great things with the characters and the story, and bringing in Charlie was a really nice twist. A couple of nags that I hope you can clear up if you do a revision:

1) "Barton had ditched her car and her cell phone broke during the rescue attempt." I'm a little confused here because I'm not sure how this sentence is consistent with the last chapter. Barton ditched whose car? Methra's? Barton was dead when Methra arrived at the cave, so he could not be the one who captured her. Also what cell phone? What rescue attempt? Methra's? So when was the cell phone broken? (Don't forget Methra counted her steps so she could track back to where they took her from. Even if you don't use this a reference that the counted steps didn't help her would be good I think.)

2) homeboys - I think it's a strange use of the word in a descriptive paragraph and took me out of the narrative.

3) "staring deep into the woman who sat on the other side’s eyes." I'm not going to do a lot of these line edits, but - "staring deep into the eyes of the woman who sat on the other side." Your way sounds like he staring into the woman - gross. :) Also not "waist side" - wayside.

4) I agree with Cornelius about the escape - it seems inconsistent for Jimmy to be able to function normally and control a host at the same time. (Maybe have Byrd kill some guards, unlock Jimmy's cell, then kill himself, leaving Jimmy his access card, a gun and/or a trail of bodies and unlocked doors, etc...) You've also had Jimmy kill for the first time with his own hand without fanfare. I think if Jimmy's going to cross that threshold there should at least be some kind of acknowledgment.

Very, very well-written entry and certainly a contender (though that's not surprise because most of your chapters were well-written too.) Nice Job!

I didn't mind the "homeboys", couldn't think of a better way to include that detail, and I like it.

Thanks to the both of you for the kind words. I know parts of this chapter (along with parts of most my other chapters) seem rushed and that's because they most likely are. I wish I had more time to write but just like I'm sure you both know, its tough. I do most of my writing at work and although I can pound out a chapter fairly quickly, its hard for me to get into a good rhythm. Since you both had pretty much the same things to say, I'll address your concerns now:
1. Jimmy's escape. I agree that he probably wouldn't be able to function that well and I definitely could've worked it a little better. With that being said, it really hasn't been established too much that it is impossible for it to happen.
2. Barton ditching Methra's car. I was a little confused at the timeline near the end of the last chapter and I figured that whoever caught Methra (I originally assumed it was Barton) would've gotten rid of the car. Sorry.
3. Homeboys totally fits for prisoner's guests.
4. The "starring deep" line. You're totally right and the way I wrote it didn't sound right to me at the time but for some reason I never went back to correct it. And I've NEVER seen wayside written before so I wasn't sure. Thank you for that!

That's about it. You both bring up very good points and ideas about the escape and if I have time to make a revision before the new deadline, I will definitely fix it. Other than that, thanks again for liking the twists and such. I really like my chances if no one else submits one! ;) Although I would love to win because my chapter was the best and not the only.

Here's what I'm thinking. First, I think that you have really REALLY made some great connections here along with a few very cool twists. Lipscomb~ he's the one, right? He's the one you are pegging to be the ultra-killer in this, the face behind the mask. It's easy for him, right? He's a psyciatrist so any patients that come to him and open up to him about thier dreams/visions/abilities/gifts suddenly become a part of his master plan. He has the inside track so to speak. Maybe he's got the gift. Maybe he has been planning this for years and only now, he's players are all coming to the casting call. Maybe he intentionally gave these patients to Adara because he knew she had the gift too. BUT, you didn't tell me this. I just sort of read between the lines. In addition, I may be wrong, and this further proves that you need to clarify (at this late stage) all the details you can. No skipping anymore. So, I think I get it, I like the idea, I just want a bit of background. Like maybe Silent could ponder on the doctor and divulge what HE knows about the plan/motive, whatever. This is a great way to lay some ground work without pulling the good doctor out of hiding...just yet.
Silent's escape was far too easy, BUT the entire scene with Silent was good, solid and well written. Find the holes in your story/passage and fill them.
The entire scene with Adara being attacked...You told me, you did not show it. That could have been one powerful, action-packed, nail biting sequence of events there. But you rattled it off like bullet points. Show it happening, man, cuz the idea is right, the moves are good, but you are just skipping all of the good stuff. Show us that Adara's heart is jack-hammering in her chest and that she could feel the rubber gloves (don't tell us he had them on...). You told me the guy slammed/shut the office door. Have Adara hearing it slam, and her sense of dread that comes with that sound. If you pretend to be her (and only her-not the attackers) while you are writing that scene, you can write that sequence of events from Adara's perspective with the passion it deserves. And with that, comes the intensity and suspense that you are striving for.
You often leave out very important clues, connections or knowledge for the reader, but I think it may be because you know these things already and forget that we don't. In your mind, the story is mostly written. Try jotting down a time line every time you do a chapter. Follow it. Find the holes, (like Methra being stranded in the desert. Why? Have her running like the damn wind. Why does she know Adara's been kidnapped? Show the reader Methra having the vision or the understanding.)
Charlie coming into this now is as odd as I've seen it here, on TSNK. First, how does he know? Second, why does he show up in the desert. If you know something we don't, then TELL us. lol. I know it's hard to listen to the ranting of everyone picking apart your chapter, but honestly...you always have the best ideas, the right tone, the definite direction...but you start telling the facts and forget to unfold the story for us. I've been a stickler for this. I know you can do it. You are like the guy on the cusp of his biggest light bulb moment. When you figure out your formula for unfolding the story and showing the action, you are going to be blowing your own mind. If you have time to revise with these thoughts in mind, Xvor, you could have the most exciting chapter thus far.

Seriously, make an outline of your ideas. then fill in the blanks between them to bring the reader to each point. Make sure it's all there, the connections the reader has to make. Leave only a sparingly few, delicious crumbs for others to nibble on, to wonder about.

Crystal just had to point this out right away that Wolfram at the near end of his chapter had Methra basically signal for help. Thus comes Charlie or so I think??

You're absolutely right Rock! I could've detailed it a little better but that was exactly the idea. Thanks!

P.S. When writing 1st person pov, a writer is often granted an unspoken permission to not 'fondle' his sentences or craft them, but instead breathe life into them. Try writing Adara's scene with your eyes shut, and just type. Who cares (for the moment) what the sentence structure is or if there are tons of broken thoughts, or sentence fragments. Those are the 1st pov beauties... Watch the scene happen and just type everything you would feel if it were happening to you, everything you would here. Don't try to add something because it would sound nice. Then go back later and just edit the ridiculous grammatical mistakes and leave a lot of that chopped up, broken thought/sentence stuff alone. It can be powerful stuff. Just a thought, Xvor. ;)Foo

Ahh rocklee, you could be right. :)But the point is, reference it somehow. "Methra was grateful that her silent signal to her one chance at help worked...blah blah something or other..." A teeny tiny bit of reiterating for the sake of continuity is ok, in my opinion.

Thank you so much Foo! Once again, you're absolutely right! You're dead on about Lipscomb and because you're right about me knowing the story in my head, I was planning on Lipscomb revealing himself to Adara in Chapter 9...then the highly anticipated showdown between them (or Jimmy Silent...or all 3...or the 3 of them and Methra and Charlie) either later in that chapter or in Chapter 10. I know Silent's escape was too easy and the truth is I did rush through it. And you have really great tips in writing a 1st POV. I tend to get too caught up in the grammar part and not think much of the 1st POV's thoughts. I really wish I could dedicate more time to these chapters than I have been able to because I know I could've made it work. Thank you for recognizing my ideas and giving me ideas on how to better portray those ideas to the reader. ;)
Thanks again!
xvoorheesx

psst...Xvoor. You have until the end of today to revise...if you have time to review everyone's comments and focus on problem areas maybe you can get a revision done in time.

Foo, I just posted a revision! I took into acount the comments I've received and although it still may be rushed, I believe it is much better than before. I have no more time today for revisions so hopefully it works! Thanks again!