Discussion of "TSNK - 5 - It's Never Who You Expect..." by xfionax

So I wrote another one...I know, crazy right?

I wanted a story that already had a character in it. One that I didn't just create. I also wanted to leave Paige in Vegas. So what do you guys think?

I like your approach to try it another way and see what happens! But...Okay. First, tech stuff...watch your tense. Aside from spelling and somewhat less important gramatical errors, tense is really important. Second, watch your usage. An example would be "...drive a wedge...couldn't mend." Can you mend a wedge? Or would you close one instead. Craft your sentences a bit more carefully. You have the right 'tone' and a great amount of talent. Take care with sentences and make sure they do what they are intended to do, say what they are intended to say. Another example, "...I said simply, with enough force..." One or the other. Cut out unnecessary, informal sentences, such as 'I swear...' and 'light a fire under her butt.' Franco shouldn't care that the car was left running when they are talking about such dramatic issues. Explain things, such as when you talked about them not being dressed appropriately. You never said what they were wearing and why it was inappropriate, although, the later comment about everyone wearing black made me realize your intention. You could have Adara fiddling with a rip in her jeans, then she could make mental note of how casually dressed they were. The Oregon trip has thrown me. Do you really intend on sending them? Why would she say such a thing anyway, and then just because she told Esperanza this, doesn't mean that is where they should go. In fact, it means they should head in the opposite direction. That's like telling a cop you were speeding because your Grandma is in the hospital (lie) and then actually driving to a hospital, just because you told him that. Hmmm? Also, it is highly suspect to have Adara making such random and thoughtless decisions based on this Esperanza character and her suspicious behavior. Give some hard facts, some scary revelations, some serious threats. Then let everyone go bat-****. Cool that you wrote another one, tho. I have much crap-ola in the attic and I'd love to flesh some of it out, or pick another angle...etc. LOL. Glad you have so much creativity and juice. :)

Yeah I was kind of lazy when writing it. I just wanted to get the idea out of my head lol.

about what they were wearing...duh I should have realized that. I just assumed people would think they were dressed casually since it was a regular day.

haha about Oregon....that was exactly what I was planning on doing but I got sidetracked with the whole Paige wanting to see the Crawford's. I guess I figured it really didn't matter if Adara had planned for it all to be a setup since Paige was going to be 'kidnapped' at the end anyways. I actually wanted Franco and Paige to disappear for awhile (I thought I was getting away from that idea but I guess its just stuck in my mind) and make everyone think Adara went also but have her come back and tail Esperanza.
this whole chapter wasn't what I wanted it to be. After the first chapter of this round im just drained lol.
ha well it was a good try. Though I think i need a well deserved break lol.

Sometimes it is helpful to scribble out your own little time-line as you write/mash. I don't do much in the way of planning when I mash; I like the whole idea of just reading the story line,getting pumped and letting whatever feels right, just come out on the screen. However, it can be helpful to jot down your main ideas/points. Like, "I want this in the intro, this is the middle, and I want this to happen at the end." Then try to fill in the blanks in a way that will definetely take you to those goals. That helps make them reasonable and believable, too. Like a road of sorts...lol. Take your break...enjoy. I've got a hurricane heading toward my house right now..so...got to hunker down!

Nice chapter, xfionax. Crystalfoo has already given you quite a good critique and I can't think of anything to add, except: While this was a nice chapter it didn't move the story forward very much nor did it attach itself well to the previous chapter. I thought what you did here was "ok". Had you added something about Miguel / Father Preston and/or pushed the envelope forward regarding Paige's vision (from the previous chapter) and/or added a murder...well, then I'd have really liked this chapter.