Discussion of "*Thou Shalt Not Kill -3- A Killer's Mind Game...*" by xfionax

xfionax...I am speechless! This is beautiful writing. This is suspense, horror, dramatic, romantic and perfectly written. Absolutely fabulous. You have written a winner here, no doubt about it. All the points I could give..I gave.

I am a little confused...but I am tired, so please bear with me and forgive me if I overlooked something.

Firstly, I don't understand why Franco was so confrontational in his note to Adara and in her office.
Secondly, you say that Adara wanted to tell Franco everything, but what she said came out as babble and he shushed her. So then, how when she "came back" did he know anything about a killer? Would he not just suspect a kidnapper of sorts?
Thirdly,you have Franco telling Adara that the cops were on the killer's tail soon after he took her from the school...did they lose him? Or did Adara's "instincts" just happen to guide her to her daughter faster? And, how?
Maybe I will re-read it in the morning. Again, please forgive me. If you get a chance to point out what I may have missed, please do so! :)

Thanks writerwannabe that means alot!

Persephonie...I see what you are saying so I'll address each question accordingly. first: alot of why Franco should be so 'confrontational' is in the second chapter. Adara has been distant and putting Franco second all the time. When he calls to talk to her she doesn't want to speak to him (she was on the phone with Paige). To me this seems like the breaking point for Franco. I see Franco as someone who wants to be needed but Adara keeps pushing him away. That's why he left the message.
Secondly....ahhhh I'm kicking myself for not seeing that. I should have used kidnapper or something else. That was a mistake that I wish I could fix.
Third: No they didn't lose the killer. They have him surrounded at a warehouse. I was hoping for the reaction "What! that was too easy!"...Paige told Adara that she was somewhere with dirt. That was the clue Adara needed.

soo.....that's it. Hopefully that cleared up the questions that you had.

Technically, your writing was superb. The pacing was excellent. And you really managed to make the first person work for me. For example, when Methra's eyes shot up just before Adara passes out. Perfect. I liked it, especially the ending. I'm shocked it wasn't a finalist. I checked the list five times because I didn't believe it.

The only thing I didn't like was that your characters were too passive. You even wrote it into the chapter... "Franco was comforted by this..." (actually it said confronted, but I assumed you meant comforted.) Franco doesn't ask questions, he goes along with whatever Adara says, and Adara even steals his car and drives off. It feels contrived. No man is going to sit back while his better half drives off in his car to look for her (his?) kidnapped daughter.

Furthermore, Paige is way too nonchalant about her mother contacting her psychically. This is supposed to be the first time right?

So just have Franco and Paige ask a few more questions, be a little more thoughtful and a great deal more resistant to the whims of the protagonist. Really though, the chapter was pretty much flawless. And I loved the fact that it was just all a big mindscrew by the killer.

Thank you ShadowedPen, your comment was great and it gave me alot to think about. You're completely right I should have delved more into Paige and Franco instead of leaving them on such a surface level. If I was Franco I'd be mad too that someone stole my car lol.
It does kind of suck to not be a finalist. I guess next time ill have to get my entry in faster.