Discussion of "*Thou Shalt Not Kill - 5 - Always Two Steps Behind...*" by xfionax

Okay....fourth entry. I'm hoping this isn't horrible lol. Any comments are welcome. If you vote, please drop a comment also. Anything will help me.

Thanks,
xfionax

Hey xfionax! It's a great chapter! My only concern is that it doesn't seem to edge off the cliff hanger (s) that the previous chapters lead up to. I guess, for me, I want to see some action coming. I keep thinking, if I were this woman, barraged with insane visions and threats to my daughter and ritualistic murders, I would not have two mili-seconds to discuss jack-crap with a boyfriend, old school chum, or the President himself. The build up of murders and the who-dunnit? factor is what could carry the story pretty far. What you do well, (and I really mean this...very well) is write realistic, cozy conversations and you help to make connections between characters. That is hugely important, and I applaud your talent! That is not easy for all writers...conversations often come out stilted, over-worked, etc. You rocked that! I do, however, stand by my opinion that moving the plot forward, answering some earlier questions, and not involving more characters that need to be 'built' is important. (Though adding characters only to kill them off...that is acceptable in my book...lol) Mona had a purpose, I see that, with the false idols murder. That's good. But Charlie? In previous chapters the build up of the threat to Paige, and the mother/daughter angst because of it is so important. It would waste much of the previously written chapters hard work; building the tension around the little girl and the mother's desire to protect her. Is she gone? Is she safe? So, I'm not okay with shipping her off to Charlie. But all in all, your writing was fluid and nice. And by the way, it is NOT horrible. What IS horrible; wanting to write something but being too afraid to submit a story. You've done a good job and I look forward to reading more of 'yer stuff'. :)

xfionax:

This is a great addition. However I have to wonder if it's really a good time in the story to not only add a new character, but quickly remove them. I think the characterization of Mona was great, but somewhat unnecessary. I really liked the exposition between Adara and Charlie as well as the animosity between Charlie and Franco. I like how ominous Franco's departure was. Possible caveat storyline there? I think so! One thing, make sure you proofread. There were a few typos and some misused words. Overall, I think this was a great addition. One other thing that bothered me was the way you handled Paige. Is she now out of the story? Or do you have a plan for how she'll still contribute while in LA. Like I've said previously, I'm not voting until all chapters are posted, but this has some very good possibilities!
EA

Thank you both for your comments. Regarding Paige: I, by no means, think Paige is out of the story. From my previous chapter I think Paige should have a more prominent role, but for this particular chapter I tried to put myself in a mother's shoes. What would I do if my daughter witnessed something so horrible and so traumatic that she was afraid to sleep and to live? I would definitely try to remove her from the situation. While she can't get away completely, the news is everywhere, I could at least try. That's why I shipped her off. Oh and Paige can astral project, so she can 'come' back whenever lol.
About Charlie: I wasn't even going to think about Charlie. I wasn't going to mention him at all but his can of worms (slightly) was opened in the last chapter. I felt this would be a great move to bring Charlie into the story as well as add some depth to Franco's and Adara's relationship.
Another thing I wanted to portray was that even in the most hectic moments of someone's life, they still have to live. So, yes while she may be “barraged with insane visions and threats to [her] daughter and ritualistic murders “ life still goes on. Paige is gone, Franco is gone, and she has no leads to the killer just like the police. What is she supposed to do? She can't come out of her house with guns blazing killing all the villains if she can't find them. She's taking it a day at a time.
Thanks for reading my chapter!

Oh my gosh! Duh! I'm the one that gave Paige the power to astral project! I can't believe I forgot about that. Interesting!

While I liked this chapter better than your previous contest submission, I couldn't "get into it". You've excellent writing skills, as crystalfoo pointed out. Not many beginning writer's are able to write dialogue as well as you do. Had this been a chapter for a novel, I'm sure it would've done more for me. As it is, a piece of a short story, it needs to move faster and continually move each character forward..or dead...lol. Introducing Mona was not such a bad idea (especially since you killed her off right away), but it didn't do anything for the story and it took up space that could have been used to move the story forward. Again, better the first submission...you've certainly got talent. I hope you'll work on tightening things which equates to a faster story flow.

My vote: 4.3

You write relationships really well. All of the dialogue was really believable and the actions and reactions of the characters made sense within the chapter. I have to applaud you, dialogue is not easy to write and you really do a great job with it. On the flip side, I almost felt like Mona’s murder and the Father Preston sightings were thrown in as side notes. Like you wanted to add depth to the characters, not write a mystery, but you had to add that stuff for the chapter to apply. I personally tend to be a fan of character driven stories as opposed to plot driven ones so I understand your drive here, but in this story, plot is pivotal and should be the primary focus.

This was written very well. I liked the Mona character and you gave her nice dimension in a short space. I'm just not sure about her brief cameo appearance though, with her connection to Adara's past she could have been a good character to keep around for a while. I liked the distraction of father preston's appearance haunting Adara esp. with the tv blurb of the murders- very portentous. The phone conversation did seem a little casual and light hearted considering Adara's current situation- especially with an old close friend whom she could confide in- i think Adara's desperation would be forefront on her mind. Did love the lipstick on the wall as a hangar, and I suppose technically Mona isn't necessarily a goner, she seems pretty feisty and probably can give the murderer a run for his money and the added pressure on Adara to hone in on the killer. Nice Job!
Chloe

Thanks for all your comments. I'm glad my dialogue is good lol. Concerning Mona...everyone assumes she is dead. I find that very interesting considering she hasn't been seen nailed up on a cross yet. All that we have seen in my chapter is Mona is missing and the lipstick on the wall. I actually feel this is the connection Adara needs to finally take those giant leaps at finding the killer. Every murder hasn't been someone she is really close to. Maybe this time she'll gain some concrete clues. But that adds alot of assuming that wasn't in my chapter and if people can't get past "Mona is dead" than yes, this chapter didn't really go anywhere. ;)

Nona. Mona. Coincidence? Does it matter? (After the early significance of names, that aspect seems to have diminished.)

Mona - she of the free-religion - appears, conveniently needs a ride from the airport, and vanishes. It felt... too neat. I enjoy the pissy dynamic between Charlie and Franco. I don't get the superlative as to why "She's mine" was one of the biggest mistakes that Adara could ever make. I like the question about Preston's possible appearance at the airport.

Overall, it felt a little comfortable to me. Too ease-y. There needs to be downtime between freakout moments, but I felt... safe. 3.5

Ha no there wasn't a connection there. I didn't even realize I did that lol.

too neat....hmmmm. I don't know what to say to that lol. Next time should it be messy?

"She's mine." It's one of those things you just don't say to a step parent. While the step parent knows they aren't the child's biological parent they still want to be included in decisions of that child. To push that step parent away (the way Adara did) is a low blow and can definitely hurt a relationship.

I'll take safe....its better than not safe...right? ;)

Your writing flows very nicely and is very easy to read.

The confrontation between Franco and Charlie left me feeling unsatisfied. During this exchange, the characters seemed very 2-dimensional and flat. I would have liked to see more characterization during this scene.

The opening dialogue after the "******" between Adara and Mona had me confused at first. I had to read it a few times to understand who was talking and who/what they were talking about. Watch out for this in the future.

Interesting, very creepy ending!

Overall, good job! Keep it up!

Thank you for reading my chapter Katrina.
Concerning Franco and Charlie...I didn't want to add to much because that would have taken away from the point of the chapter. I originally had more argument and stuff like that but I felt it was too heavy and I was already imagining the comments I would probably receive about that. So I decided to cut most of it out and give people a taste of the tension between the two.
Adara and Mona...I hoped people would grasp that she was on the phone with a 'girlfriend' without having to state it exactly at first. Franco had just left so it's pretty obvious what people do in that situation, they call a friend to talk about it. If that wasn't conveyed sorry.
Well that's it ;)