Discussion of "1/2 of chapter 1" by writinghobo

thanks for the 0.6 vote whoever you are. that motivates me to keep writing! if you dont like it, i think others will!

Hooboy. This character is one disgruntled and angry young man. You have a good premise, a good idea and the beginning of a very good storyline, BUT....the most disconcerting thing, here, is switching from third person to first and back again. I think first person would work best throughout. Your character is disgruntled and angry but I doubt an English major would use quite so much vulgarity. Keep it up, you're doing well. My vote: 3

i think any normal person.. or younger person nowadays uses alot of vulgarity in his thoughts

I have an English degree and inside my head sounds like a sailor...
As for the story, some of the thoughts near the end started to not make sense and get a little jumbled. Also, there are maybe some plot holes. With a masters he could plenty of things besides teach, why doesn't he? And the profanity will lose its effect if you use it too much. Soon your readers will gloss right over it. Try to use it in places where it will really add emphasis and not in places where it's meaningless.

thank you thats great advice!!!!