Discussion of "TSNK 7: Escape from the Desert" by ireland_faerie

Good job. There were a few typos and run-ons that were distracting, but overall I think you did a good job of moving the story forward.

ireland_faerie. I think this is almost perfect. I was a little confused at first about the Paul thing, a rather abrupt name change from the prev. chapter. Maybe there could be a little background earlier, at first it just feels like you go it wrong, so that is a bit distracting. Finding a way to mention Barton's name would have been helpful. "By now Barton thought the voice is his head was that of his savior..." etc etc. However, this is not a fatal issue, and I consider the technical issues to be quite minor. I love the detail of Barton (Paul) moving Methra to the cave, the interactions between the characters (Paul is delightfully creepy). I like that Paige has been rescued, the reader was probably expecting that to be reserved for the last chapter, so that is a nice twist. The sequence with Jimmy Silent is excellent, very believable and in character, leaving the impression that people with the "gift" of sight cannot be controlled. Finally, Mertha's explanation opens the door for a final battle of the minds between Jimmy and Adara. Way to jump in here and do a great job!

I understand where you might be confused. When I read part 6 I had the impression that there were two men being controlled by Garcia. Barton and then the ruddy-faced man (aka Paul in my chapter)who was across town. But thanks for all your input!!

It is understandable that you would have been confused by the two character names in Chapt 6, but the accidental name change between Barton and Brandon is clarified in the Ch. 6 comments. I stand by my assertion that it would have strengthened your chapter to make the identity of Paul more clear, so that it couldn't be interpreted as a mistake. I also stand by my assertion that this is a strong chapter with unexpected plot twists that contribute significantly to the story. I don't have a problem with Jimmy's mistake of not binding Methra's feet, and it empowers a whole new direction for the following chapters. Agai, nice work!

Thank you for all of your input. I will remember that for furture chapters. There are things now that I would have liked to have done differently and others that I am glad I did that way. I wanted Jimmy who is "suppose to be a pro" to make a careless mistake. And I thought the idea of Adara being able to control people also would be a good twist=)

I found this to be slightly cliche. I've seen the captured turned rescuer stunt in tons of movies. Now please don't take this as being rude, I'm just giving my honest opinion. For a story that is pretty original, to have something pretty cliche and extremely coincidential doesn't seem right. For someone such as Jimmy "Silent" to make such a fatal mistake after having so much experience in that "profession" seems pretty weird if you think about it. Especially since hes going after the three people that are most important or at least that is where we have been lead. Great writing though...3 from me

Hi, I'm completely new and entered my own chapter in, so I want to try and give good comments (which is what I'm hoping to get on mine too). I really liked the way you advanced the story by bringing Methra to Paige and rescuing them. (I did something similar so I might be biased there too.) But like rocklee, I was a little underwhelmed at the method of escape. I also liked connecting Methra to Father Preston - I totally missed that they had the same necklace - and I liked that you are setting up the conclusion that seems almost inevitable - the big supernatural showdown between Adara and Jimmy. A solid job!

Hi! I'm glad there are finally chapters posted for round 7! You've done some pretty good things with your chapter. Aside from some grammatical errors (who doesn't have those, right?) your piece has a firm direction. You stuck to your plan, so to speak, and carried it through. What I think could use some tweaking: paragraphs where you 'tell' more than 'show' the reader what is going on. That's a good rule of thumb for fiction; show don't tell. For example, the paragraph where Paul is tilting his head could be more effective if you show us what he is doing, and in turn, show us what Methra is thinking. How she comes to these conclusions that someone is talking to him/directing him in his head. "Paul tilted his head left and right, occasionally muttering beneath his breath. Was he looking for someone? Was he afraid of being seen way out here in the desert? Methra thought not. She began to get the impression that he was listening to something. Or someone." Something like that could really punch it up. After all, it's a big deal that Methra is making this connection and even bigger that the reader is connecting the dots. The escape scene needs suspense. It lacks a bit of reality. Paul is gone, the ropes are untied and they are in the car, speeding toward safety before I've realized that they are no longer in the cave. Really, that should have been drawn out. Sounds resonating through the cave making the girls jump. The sound of returning footsteps; getting lost in the dark cave, something to make the reader take that walk with you. With them. You really had me ready for action when they pocketed the spikes and hammer but you never used them. That would have been really exciting. The explanation to Paige is really good. Except that too, needs to be drawn out a bit. Paige has no clue about Father Preston. Methra could fill in a lot of gaps here, by way of explanation, to the reader. Like how she came to know these things. It's perfect timing really. The idea is fantastic. Actually the entire chapter is a fantastic idea. Elaborate everything, add action and suspense, and maybe a bit of a cliff hanger ending, or a good last line and this chapter would absolutely seal the deal for me. All in all I really am happy with your direction. Nicely done. Foo :)

Hey I can't see how I could do better on this and you gave us all more to work with.

I like that Methra was actually able to get to Paige and that there were no dreams in this chapter, so we feel that something actually happens! However, I felt like Methra is way too calm given the situation she's in. I questioned how she would know that Paul's mind was being controlled — and if she does know that Jimmy Garcia is controlling him, would she so flippantly just question Paul about being controlled? I also wondered why, if Jimmy is so skilled at controlling people, would he not have Paul stay in the cave with Paige and Methra? I think some of these loose ends need to be fleshed out and tied up a bit more to logically push the story forward.

I love the suspense you build by not using too much dialogue. I was a little worried when the last chapter introduced new characters, but your did a great job of showing us why they were neccessary. Watch your typos. Methra became Mertha a few times. I do agree that "Paul" added a bit of confusion but I can also see where he came from. I also really like the fact that Methra knows what's going on; about the agent being controlled and so on and so forth. I'm glad you "saved" Paige. I'm one of the people that really like her as a part of the story line. Overall, great chapter.
4.5
EA

This is so tough! This is really well written and in and of itself, I loved it. Along with the rest of the story though, I’m not sure. First though, I thought you did a great job of expanding Methra and Paige’s characters. I love the part about Paige being so scared she’s bumping into Methra as they leave the cave. And at the end, she’s pragmatic instead of hysterical, that’s interesting, and I liked it. Paul is Paul Barton??? I’m guessing… but for the sake of continuity it would have been helpful to keep calling him Barton. The escape is too convenient for me. Why did Barton just leave? I can’t see Jimmy slipping up like that. And I thought the end of the chapter was a little too anti-climactic. Methra and Paige appear to be safe, Jimmy realizes he can’t control them, Paige/Methra/Adara may all be happily back together in no time… I think not showing us Methra and Paige getting the car would have left the reader with a more of a feeling of tension and suspense. Overall, though, I think you did a great job:)

While I appreciated and enjoyed the escape, I had difficulty swallowing the dialog. It didn’t sound natural – too much tell, not enough speak. It’s a difficult balancing act, especially explaining supernatural power that controls minds, but it all felt On The Money. Strangely, my favorite spoken part of yours was “Fo oo ell.” Nice detail, pulled me into the story.

If Silent (why everyone refers to him as Silent Jimmy when his nickname is “Silent,” I don’t know) is such a criminal mastermind, he sure doesn’t pay attention to the little things. The escape seemed easy. Paul ties them up, but not seriously, then he leaves and isn’t seen again. (He didn’t even bother disabling Methra’s car, just in case.) Methra frees Paige and they have a considerable window for exposition. It lacked suspense. Even the hanger – telling Paige to sleep and wishing she didn’t lose her cell phone – doesn’t rattle me.

All in all, I like the direction/idea of getting free, but the execution didn’t fulfill the potential. (3)

Nash, you humble me as a judge. I may not be so nice with my scores next round, you show that I have something to learn about looking deeper. Sharp eye and wit, but you do get a little sarcastic here and there, maybe you're like Simon on American Idol, and maybe every judging panel needs one. :) Don't take it personal fellow writers, its just his style!

Cornelius~ you gettin' Corny bro. lol Just kidding-but kinda not.;) Your suck up factor is like at...127665 right now. Off the charts. I like you, so knock it off. lol (seriously I'm just busting your chops...all in good fun)but I've read a few of your comments this afternoon and ummmm....

It's all right. I know, I know, Nash is a bit like a SM celebrity...he's all brass and balls and it gets people excited. ;O I think he just calls it like he sees it and in my past experience with him, I know that he reserves those high marks (5's) for when he really means it; when they really earn it. You will know when it happens--he'll be barefoot. ;)

You're a hoot cornelius (and a good writer), and I'm glad you're here to mash with. Don't be mad that I said you were being corny- I'm only kiddin'! Foo

Hell, Foo, I think I've sucked up to you a couple times too! Glad to be here and no offense, though I might be a tad bit flush at the moment. I guess I tend to call it like I see it, in my own way.

To my credit I call him (and others) out when I think he's wrong, never meaning offense.

Glad to be here and thanks for checking in.

ahhh and I thought those were well deserved compliments from you! lol I hope you know I'm just messing with you~ I know that you speak your mind. I just couldn't help myself after those last few comments! You had me chuckling, that's for sure. I've got a bad case of the blah's tonight- you perked me up with all that smooching. hee hee. Glad you're here. I'm working on a project so I'm always checking in, at least it seems so lately. ;)

I know my story is the top ranked, but still there are things I wish I'd done differently now and danged if I don't feel like I did a crappy job after reading Nash's blurb up there=( But I guess that is how we learn....

ireland_faerie, your ranking is not undeserved, but it does not always mean you will win! I was ranked 3rd at the end of round six and I still won. Think of the judges as Superdelegates, they can override the popular vote. Not trying to rain on your parade, just keeping the suspense alive, that's part of the fun (you can kick me later).

Thanks for the encouragement and the rain Cornelius=) I have read other chapters and there are parts in them I absolutely love and wish I'd have thought of. At the same time, there were things that I wanted to lead into hoping someone else would pick up on it (like Adara possibly have the ability to use mind control also). And I don't think that just because mine is ranked as it is, that I would win. I've seen others get bent over ratings and what they might think is a conspiracy. But to me, it's a learning process. Heck, I had an awesome chapter for round six, but was in the process of moving and couldn't post it in time. At least if I don't win, I will get to try again=) (And I will kick you later... lol)

I'm a little confused regarding how Methra knows that the man is being controlled--I'd like to hear exactly how she has this knowledge.

Who's Paul? This name and person seemed to pop from out of nowhere.

Your writing is easy to read, but the dialogue seeems a little unnatural...slightly over the top.

While I was intrigued by some of your ideas, I felt like you were rushing through the chapter, and this caused your chapter to seem slightly disjointed, overall. In the future, take your time! :)

In my opinion, it's a little far-fetched and convenient that Methra gets out of her predicament so quickly and then goes on to save Paige. And where's Adara during all of this?

Good effort!