All Comments by honeygloom

Very well written, I wonder where the story can go though. It seems like the letter shut out some of the most interesting parts with the war and the revolt. Dane had such a fascinating life I would have liked to hear some of it. I guess that's not a bad thing though, you wrote the letter so well all I'm upset about is that you didn't write more:)

Very tense! The first part was a little more tell than show and slowed the pacing up though. You probably could have skipped it all together. A snide comment like, "This is what I left Texas for?" when the sedan pulls up and then on with the rest of the story would have improved the pacing. Then the back story can be woven in throughout the rest of the story so you don't have that long exposition right up front. Otherwise, I loved it, nice premise, very creepy, and very tense. Great job!

Fantastic!!! Loved it, very nice work:)

What a sad and sweet little story! What a great protagonist. He’s very perceptive, but can’t get escape his daily function. I get the sense he would take the old lady to get coffee or take her grocery shopping if he were allowed to just jump over the counter. I really enjoyed this, great job!

Very interesting:) This is very methodically paced. I like it. You always have the greatest ideas!
Just for reference, a semicolon should join complete sentences (that mean, of course, containing a subject and verb) and not fragments.

Very interesting:) This is very methodically

I was in Naked Space Magazine once...

You've already done a spectacular job, just sit back and relax... I'll take care of the updating:)

We already have 4 authors plus 2 alternates, but you can be a 3rd alternate if you want. You might be perfect for the Medias Saga on the Projects Page. One of the story lines is a long poem. Check it out:)

Absolutely!! send me an email:)

Congratulations!!! on a well deserved win:)

Yikes! We are a little behind there aren't we. I'll get that fixed. And now, I'm off to read your new chapter:)

Hey Ladies;) A separate poetry section is certainly a great idea. I for one can’t write it to save my life, but I wish I could. I’ll bring it up to the rest of the team and thanks for posting such a gem!

Hi Rian- I commented on this last night with all the other stories but I don’t know what happened to the comment. Very strange… But on to the story. I love the chapter as it is all by its self. It’s well written, I love the sheriff, your descriptions are wonderful, and it’s a very intriguing story. However, I, as a reader, invested time reading and thinking about Ms. B… and now she’s dead. Her story won’t be told (I’m betting anyway since this is only a 5 chapter story) and I spent all that time with her for nothing. Now I have a whole different story with a protagonist who’s afraid to name who done it. It struck me as cheating in a way, but that’s just me. But I do want to reiterate that the writing is great and I really enjoyed reading the chapter. It’s just the direction that made me furrow my brow:)

This seems thrown together and didn’t advance the plot really at all. We knew something was going on with Amy, but we still aren’t any closer to the ‘what’. You skip past a huge revelation too. She says Jake is right, she knows she’ll be dead by Monday. And she’s grading papers? I think you’re on to a good idea, I like the image of Amy’s name scratched in the paper… but I think you should have spent more time with this. Oh and watch your past perfect tense: “Parent teacher conferences were one week earlier.” Should be: ‘parent teacher conferences had been one week earlier’. Past perfect indicates something that has been completed before a certain point in the past.

This chapter didn’t move the plot along at all really, just a hiss at the end which might not even be sinister. Ms.B is very nervous and distracted for an FBI agent. You should watch your descriptions too, “Several familiar faces waved” for example. Faces don’t wave of course. Take a little extra time to proofread. I like the connection between Jake and Amy. And I like how you described Jake as ‘haunted’, very creepy. Overall, I think this needs some work but I applaud your effort. Nice job!

A little odd, but I like it;) I like the concept, Blue Chalk Ladies… maybe they’re the other teachers and Ms. B is too curious for her own good? Don’t know but I love the name and I love the direction. I think you were a little short on atmosphere. Ms.B muses about loving the conversations in the grocery store, but doesn’t have any. Which I thought especially odd since she could have asked someone about the Blue Chalk Ladies and maybe pushed us more forward plot-wise. All the while you could have given us more of a sense of the town. So over all, I love the creativity, but I wish you would have developed this chapter a little more. Given Ms. B more direction maybe?

Interesting... Wonderfully written, you set a great scene with great characters. With that said, yeah, I’m slightly confused. Jake is an Osgood? Something is going on with the Osgoods and Shelby Osgood stole Ms. B’s credit card which the FBI neglected to put in her undercover name? Silly FBI. Silly agent who puts it in her purse too. Seemed like an amateurish move for a 14yr veteran and the Bureau combined. Overall though, I really liked the tone and where you’re headed, just that one little thing bugged me.

I love the internal turmoil of Ms. B! She’s suicidal, but she can’t abandon the kids, loved it;) You did a great job with her back story and giving her and odd strength and motivation as well. Amy is a great character too. She seems to know her life will be horrible no matter what so she might as well try and do something good despite the consequences. She seems wise beyond her years and I think you wrote her well. You kind of foreshadowed Pete’s compliance in the mysterious evil of the town which leaves Ms. B and Amy and Jake to save the town… a very interesting possibility:) The FBI stuff jarred me, but I don’t know that much about the Bureau or being deep undercover so it could be very plausible, who knows. I wish you had written more actually. Maybe extended to the scene with Pete and left us hanging there instead. But overall I really liked this, great job!

Wow! Very creepy;) And you totally smacked me over the head with it too. Very nice twist! You opened up a ton of questions: some inbred congenital disease? town made a deal with the devil? are aliens involved? scientific experiments? I honestly wish it had been a little longer and that you would have moved the plot along just a bit more. You kind of glossed over Jake and his jaw dropping statement and Ms. B’s original reason for going to the cemetery seemed to be dropped as well. Overall I loved the twist but I would have liked more advancement.

Ms. B should be more confident with Jake at first. She’s been a Fed for a while, I imagine she’s had death threats before and has her poker face at the ready. I thought the way you described Jake going from sad to excited about spies was great. It seemed like a perfect kid reaction to the situation to sort of fictionalize it. And a kiddie porn website? Yuck!! OK so when I first read this I thought for sure child porn sites would be on the government’s ‘top priority’ list and would be fairly easy to target. Uh, yeah, I was wrong. I did a little research and it turns out the government doesn’t do that much about it. So I applaud you for picking not only a serious topic but one that clearly doesn’t get the attention it deserves. And now back to the story… I thought Ms. B’s (and John’s while we’re at it) leap to the conclusion of child porn was kind of abrupt. There are more illegal kinds of porn than just child porn. I thought the chapter lacked suspense in that respect. Not bad though, ya done good;)

Whew! A twist within a twist! Very nice detail. I like that you included a little bit of Ms. B’s background and I thought the detail of the bar and the townspeople set the scene nicely. I like how confident Ms. B is; she certainly isn’t afraid to do her job. My only nit pic is that the conversation between her and Jake was confusing at times. Not to the point where I didn’t understand it, but I had to re-read a couple parts. Overall very nice job!!

I’m a little confused about the kids at the bus stop, are they supernatural in some way? Do they want to help Ms. B? Or was she just having a premonition? I think I’m unclear because the image seemed so sinister, but including Jake, who earlier had wanted to help her, made me unsure of the children’s motives. You did a good job building up suspense. I really like the Mayor at the end. You gave me a good mental picture of him and I’m totally creeped out. The only other thing that really stuck out was Marcus and Irene. They seemed way too convenient. I’m not sure what is going on, but I get the impression that it’s organized (Ms. B’s been there for a while without even a hint of it), and their move seem very amateur. But really, overall I enjoyed it. Nice job!

Welcome LadyLuck!! The projects aren't judged, they're just a place to stand out from the crowd a little. The projects are my inventions. I asked Nash to guest host the Red Brockton one because he's a great writer and I knew he could give everyone a good chuckle. Whereas I am spectacularly un-funny...
I love to hear ideas from our writers though so if you have an idea email me at melissa@storymash.com and maybe you can be our next guest host!

Looks like I'm on standby too... sorry about the delay:( Just keep checking the Projects Page. HAC should disappear and Spinning Redemption should take its place.

Sounds like you got it:) djinndarme can post the first letter as soon as the intro is posted on the projects page (which will hopefully be soon). And then the deadlines are loose. Nash just has to have his letter written one week after djinndarme posts his, etc.

Fantastic! What kind of a play has fog and strobe lights?! I love it, chloe, really nice job!

Whew! Sorry, I guess I should have been clearer. It's probably easiest to go like this: 1-djinndarme=Johanna, 2-Nash=Thane, 3-Ladyvike=Calla, 4-dkk=Aidan. To start off with, djinndarme will write one letter to any one of the other characters. Nash is next, he also will write one letter to whomever he choses, etc. But the trick is that somehow via the lettesr all the characters have to intertwine. You'll all write three letters, but they won't be back to back. I hope this makes sense.
-As for where you post, once the opener is moved to the projects page, you'll post your letters under that just like you would any other chapter.
-And, the blackhand, thanks for the offer:) I would love to have you as an alternate.
-There was something else... OH! Aidan is a male's name, but it certainly doesn't matter what gender you make him/her.
I hope I cleared it up, let me know if I didn't:)
-Honey

Welcome back!! Can't wait to read your chapter:)

Wow! I'm very happy about the response:) So it looks like we have (1)-djinndarme, (2)-Nash, (3)-ladyvike15, (4)-dkk4510 with ocmusicman as an alternate in case someone can't make a deadline. Since it's not up on the projects page yet, I'll cut/paste the details below so you can get started. Thanks so much for joining up everyone:)

Want to write for love not money?

Sign up for the love letter project ‘Spinning Redemption’ on the Projects Page. There are four characters, Johanna, Calla, Aidan, and Thane. I need four authors committed to following this through to the end. Each of you will pick a character and write a chapter/letter in following order: Johanna, Thane, Calla, Aidan. You have three letters each to tell the intertwining story of these four characters. Your only guidelines are that you have to keep the title in mind, write love letters (anguished, cute, passionate, dirty, etc.), tell a story, and publish your letter within a week of the letter before you.

XOXOX
-Honey

I need four authors to write love letters for four different characters. Sign up here if you're interested and check out the details on the Projects Page.

Very sweet! Seems like a classic setting for a really nasty fairy tale... I can't wait:)

I just want my writers back;) But my goodness do I admire your drive. Good luck!

I have an English degree and inside my head sounds like a sailor...
As for the story, some of the thoughts near the end started to not make sense and get a little jumbled. Also, there are maybe some plot holes. With a masters he could plenty of things besides teach, why doesn't he? And the profanity will lose its effect if you use it too much. Soon your readers will gloss right over it. Try to use it in places where it will really add emphasis and not in places where it's meaningless.

Definitely needs some editing, the mistakes were a little distracting in places. Overall though, good descriptions and really tense.

I liked the concept, but it was a little preachy. Try stretching it out a bit. Maybe it takes a few days for the protagonist to realize what's happening. Maybe some people do die as machines start to malfunction. Give us a little tension, make your protagonist work for his resolution. Overall, good concept though, I think it has potential:)

Good premise, but what makes this different from other 'end of the world' stories. So far not much. Right now I feel like I'm reading a news report. Try showing me all of the destruction. Show me father turning on son. Don't tell me it's like 'Outbreak', show me. You're narrator is really distant, but if you put him in the action as he remembers, I think this story has potential to be really good. Overall not bad though;)

Pesky Novel Writing Month... Piffle;(

Ah, where is the girlie? Nash, this is sort of your baby, shall I see if Wolf can switch with Chloe?

-Hey Cheese, how about another chapter on the Saga Project??? You rocked the first one you did...

For the record, I like being randomized...

So anxious... You're worse than Nash;)Chloe should be back soon. It's been about ten days right? Lets give her until Wednesday and see if she's back with us.

Well, as for me, you (or anyone) can always email me at melissa@storymash.com. As for everyone else, authors have the option to make their email address visible in their profiles I think. Katrina will probably pop in with the correct answer to that... she's better at the nuts & bolts than I am;)

I just tried a re-read to alieviate my confusion. Did he kill his sister-in-law? Piffle.

I would have liked to see more of your own writing and less quoting(ah-hem) of Nash's. Also, you didn't move the plot along at all. In the last chapter the protagonist's sister-in-law is standing in the kitchen with no pants! You skipped right over that juicy little tid-bit and seeminly re-wrote the first chapter. I'm confused, to say the least...

Wow HFW! You've really improved since you've been gone. Still a few mispellings, but much cleaner than usuall. I have to say this is a very powerful piece, I really enjoyed the harsh beauty you portrayed. Very nice work and welcome back;)
-Honey

Aw nuts! You stole my chapter;) Glad you did though, because this is NOT what I had in mind. No, this is much better. Nice work, you kept the voice up really well and I LOVE the twist. Really no need to apologize, you write very well out of your comfort zone:)

Awesome job OS. Kareening toward a giant ball of gas... that's funny;)

Shite! I was gonna join the I.A.P.H.:( I didn't know about the whole jello thing though. What's their stance on sheep by the way?

Beanpole communicates by a secret message bearing dove given him by the Illuminati;) And I honeygloom have chosen to accept his secret message give him the spot. Providing the dove stops pooping on my kitchen table.

Oh my god. THAT was awesome:)

I checked your profile and since January you've only left 4 comments. I've seen your complaint often and the best remedy is to read and leave thoughtful comments on other stories. This is a community and the best way to be a part of it and to get to know other writers is to comment. Most writers will reciprocate and before you know it you'll have tons of people reading your stuff.
-Honeygloom

Ah so that's why Momma said never to pick your nose.

Congratz Lady!! Nice job:)

Three cheers for VOTING. Polls aren't closed here in Cali yet so get out there;)

Oddly, I score a lot like Wolfram. I figure commenting is more helpful than voting so I worry about that more. Honestly, if you're here and I can tell you put effort into it and want to network and learn, I'll go with a 3. If I feel like I'm going to have to score below 3, I don't vote, I just comment. 5s I save for REALLY impressive stuff so I don't give them out too often. Generally I stick to the 3 – 4.5 range.
And yeah, if it looks like you copied it verbatim from your journal or it has zero elements of a story, I don’t rate or comment because it ain’t fiction.

Where would the fun be otherwise;)

Amazing!! I loved it! Such great detail and vivid imagery. The pacing was excellent and I love that you gave Arnon a vice. It's a perfect leaping off point for the rest of the tale in Medias. Really great job;)

Cool beans! I'm loving this story too so I'm glad to have some Arnon Loyalists! Now I have to go read so excuse me;)

Don’t get me wrong, I love your take no prisoners style. But I personally am not easily offended. Since I feel like comments are part of the content on the site, my role as Content Director includes mediator. I wouldn’t want you to change your style or change your personality for the site, that would be an absurd thing for me to suggest. All I’m saying is change the microscope for a magnifying glass maybe. Step back a smidge and consider a few things before you comment. Your first example is perfect to illustrate what I’m saying.
“Sarah stared at her mother as she lie on the couch. She unintentionally woke her as she leaned in closer and breathed near her face. Mother opened her eyes.”
In a piece that’s really well written and consistent, I read that and said to meself, “oops, typo! She must have meant ‘her mother…’” And since there were hardly any in that story and I could see that the author knew what she was doing, and since it didn’t ruin my reading, I moved on. And that’s exactly what I mean stepping back and considering all angles before commenting. I know I’ve made stupid comments before that probably left people wondering at my intelligence/sanity. But the repercussions of making comments like those made me realize that I need to chill, look for all possible reasons the writer could be doing what they’ve done and then comment. Like I said before, writing my comments in word and copying them into SM helps immensely. Not only can I copy and paste examples, but the actual act of flipping back and forth usually tempers my response.
I’m all for discussion, but you’re right, no one, not you, not anyone here should be attacked for voicing an opinion. When you post on this site you are opening your work yourself, you soul, or what have you to the public. If you can’t take it, don’t post here. But personal attacks are not warranted. It’s just hard sometimes to separate yourself from your writing and I think that’s where people get their feelings hurt.
I hope you don’t feel like I’m trying to attack you. What I really want is for you to keep commenting because I do feel like your opinions are valid and your comments valuable. I’ve said it before, I love your presence and personality on the site. You certainly liven things up:) I only hoped to help with a little diplomacy I guess. You can tell me to go to hell if you want. I probably won’t take it personally though:P.
-Honey

Without a doubt, the best way to get your stuff read is to read and comment on other stuff. I've seen many methods, but that one works the best. Everyone here wants and appreciates feedback so give a little and you’ll get some in return. Don’t feel like you have to be an expert, just be honest and fair; most everyone will appreciate the time you took and reciprocate. And just for the record, the method that seems to irritate other writers the most is to promote your story in the comment section of theirs.Good luck to all:)
-Honey

I love the premise. I always hated physics growing up, but recently my opinion has changed so your title hooked me;) I wasn't confused at all about your characters' ages or the scene, but maybe that's because I've read a little about string theory so it was easy to fit the pieces together. You're in a tricky spot since you're writing about something that not everyone will immediately recognize. But I thought you did a really good job and I always appreciate writing that makes me think. The only criticism I have is totally nit-picky and it's adverbs. I think it was the second sentence that had 'slightly' twice. If you can find the right verb, you won't need the little buggers and your writing will be much stronger.

This seems like a modern setting, but what does her husband do for only fifty bucks a week? Also, there are some awkward sentences:
“We’d spent many afternoons together before she passed only four years earlier, sharing stories and family secrets…we bonded over the fact that she understood me….she and my grandfather having been ostracized by his family for their marriage, as well; having to do it all alone.” Ellipses are generally used to indicate an interruption that isn’t picked back up immediately, sort of a trailing off effect, not to break up a sentence. That makes the example above a run on so you should probably break it up into two sentences. I spotted a couple of other run ons too, so watch for that.
Could be rearranged to read:
“Before she’d passed four years earlier we had spent many afternoons together sharing stories and family secrets. We bonded over our forbidden marriages and having to do it all alone”
The timeline is a little screwy at the point where the kids are sleeping in the tent and then suddenly gathered around the campfire a few lines of dialogue later. I got the impression that it was night time, but then one of the kids asked to go to bed and another one asked for breakfast so that part needs to be clearer. Overall this is a good premise, but the same story is basically told twice. Once being the actual story and the other the story the narrator tells around the campfire. Give your readers a little credit and allow them to piece the story together for themselves as opposed to banging us over the head with it. The bodies in sheets hanging in the trees though, very creepy image. You did a good job with the setting too and over all the story had a pretty sinister feel to it.

Very well written. You have a very precise and succinct style. I can tell that you take a lot of time choosing the right words, sentences, paragraphs, etc to build your story. What a sad commentary as well on the mistrust in our society. And with the twist at the end, there are many places this could go. Nice work:)

Needs some proofreading. It’s an interesting and creative scene with good detail, that’s for sure. Very twisted and leaves the reader with the obvious question, “who are these wackos?” I’m not sure where the story could go from here. Unless an outside force acts upon the community I don’t see where any conflict to build a story on will come from. Maybe one of the community members rebels? But I’m intrigued.

Despite the grammar mistakes and the somewhat confusing time line, I enjoyed this. I think you did a good job with your narrator. He’s like his father in that he’s pragmatic and deliberate. He knows his father is wrong, but loves him and wants to protect him, so not knowing what else to do, he runs away. I would have liked more clarification of the narrator’s age, unless I missed it. At first I thought he was younger, like ten. But by the end I thought maybe sixteen or seventeen. Definitely interesting and intense, but your execution needs some work.

Pretty well written, but with some mistakes that a quick proof read could have caught. I like your description of Peter’s habits. It’s very thorough and gives me a good idea of his personality. Trust in your details, “It wasn’t that Peter was a boring man, he just found it easier to stick to a routine.” I didn’t need this sentence because you had already done a good job of showing me what Peter was like. And the part about not keeping track of his keys later, shows me that there is maybe some spontaneity to Peter, so I know he’s not boring. You have all the elements there, trust them and trust your writing. I’m not sure what to make of the plot. It does seem a little formulaic. A very careful and deliberate person is sent off his normal course and presented with an unlikely set of choices. Will he choose any of them, if so which one. It has potential to be interesting, but I don’t think it’s there yet. Good start though.

Persephonie, I’m sure everyone appreciates that you take the time to read their stories. And it’s sweet of you to apologize, but it doesn’t seem like you know what you’re apologizing for. One thing upsets people I think is that you question their artistic style and dock points when it doesn’t suit your taste. I for one, hate writing in 1st person. And, unless the narrator is a very unique character whose voice is pivotal to the story, I don’t really like reading it either. But that’s the POV you choose to write in and I wouldn’t dock you points for that. In your critique of Nash’s Rainy Days and Mondays, for example, Nash wrote the following:
“My beloved wife, Martha, took the kids to Gramma’s for the week, to let them play on that rickety jungle gym or build birdhouses with Uncle Paul.”

You suggested the following change:
“My beloved wife, Martha, has taken the kids to Gramma’s for the week, to let them play on that rickety jungle gym or build birdhouses with Uncle Paul.”

Neither form is wrong, but given the overall casual tone of the narrator in the piece, ‘has taken’ sounds too stuffy and too formal. The atmosphere that tone and mood create are important to a story and word choice is what helps to create that atmosphere. The atmosphere Nash created may not have been to your liking, but it’s consistent and pivotal to his narrator.

The other issue I think people take with you is that you aren’t correct a lot of the time. In hebe’s Ban of Beef story you say she switches from 3rd to 1st person POV, but I read it twice and she doesn’t. It’s consistently in 3rd person omniscient through the entire piece. I read a comment where you said ‘a lot’ had been changed (by whom I don’t know) to be ‘alot’. I looked it up in every dictionary I could find and, just as I suspected, there was no such word as ‘alot’. I saw a story where you said the word directly after quotations needs to be capitalized. That’s also not correct.

I love that you take time to critically look at people’s stories, but make sure you’re being careful and fair and that you take into account not only style, but mood, tone, and all of the other elements of writing. And make sure you’re taking into account personal choices made by other authors. I doubt other authors mind you being harsh, but make sure you are correct when you critique. One thing I like to do when I comment is write my comment in word so I can go back and reference the story while commenting. That way I know what I’m saying is accurate.

Amen Aggeloi;) I'm sure someone out there wants to know which direction every blade of grass on the grassy knoll was facing when Kennedy got shot; when it was last watered, what variety it was, what kind of fertalizer was used on it and all that very interesting stuff. Me, I like to know where the blood spatter went. I've always been a less is more kind of writer as well. I like to give my readers some credit and let them have some of the fun in creating the story.
Thanks for the comment;)
-Honey

Ditto... Great voice, honest, funny, innocent but not. Very nicely done, but if I were a guy I'd totally have blue balls;)

And to Hebe- I love this. It's really funny, very well thought out, and well written. And my favorite part... it made me stop and think. That, is always a good thing;)

Persephonie, I love ya, but you're driving me crazy with this first person POV thing. I didn't notice a switch at all. And an omniscient narrator knows all and is allowed to tell all: emotions, actions, silent prayers to god, even bowel movements if necessary. It's been done by many a famous author. And the story is satire. Did George Orwell's animals really revolt and take over the farm? No, but it gave us all something to think about. Relax a little babe, I like having you around. I don't want you to have a stroke because you're taking this all TOO seriously.
-Peace, Honey

So intense! I was with wolfram, I had so many questions. But I decided near the end just to hold them and enjoy. With any luck you, or someone, will answer them! Very nice, very descriptive, loved it;)

I like the detached POV you use in this piece. I can imagine how Amanda feels, given her situation it isn’t hard, but her actions show a very deliberate and resilient little girl. For example, she doesn’t have clean socks, so she goes without. She could have worn dirty ones, or gone without shoes entirely, but choosing to wear shoes without socks (thereby keeping her feet clean) shows that she has some sense of dignity. You definitely crafted a well written piece, but it was so short. I wanted to see what happened when her mother woke up. You loaded the gun and didn’t shoot it... shame on you;) I really enjoyed this and I hope to read more!

You are absolutely right! I have been meaning to point this out too. Both omniscient and limited narrators are valid. What a boring place the world of fiction would be with only first person POV:) I for one can’t really write in first person, it just feels awkward. Omniscient narrators are not really popular with modern writers since using the limited narrator to craft a well written story takes more finesse. But that view doesn’t make the third person omniscient any less valid. And for the record, I didn’t think this story had an omniscient narrator…

We do need you actually. Can you go after wolfram? I emailed JTW and he didn't respond so I do need to fill a spot;)

There is a lot going on here! The FBI angle may be a little far fetched in the real world, but within the scope of the story, I think it fits very well. Your teacher seems to have a checkered past so I can totally believe the FBI blackmailing her into working for them. I gather that it wasn’t intentional, but wow do I love how creepy she is with the kids. It’s a great angle and adds to the mystery of her work with the Bureau. It seems like all the nit picks have been picked out so I’ll leave them be and just say overall you did a great job:)

Go Philies!

Watch clichés like horns popping out of David’s head. It’s a really cartoonish image and does not fit with the very serious tone of the piece. This is totally my opinion, but I felt like you chickened out by having David all of the sudden change his tune mid fight. Nothing happened to cause him to do so, so I felt like maybe you weren’t comfortable with the violence that might have ensued. But to me, and like I said this is just my opinion, it gave the piece less impact and less honesty. Overall though, I think you do did a good job with Natalie’s voice and I compliment you for tackling such a tough subject matter.
-Also, Persephonie, I’m sorry, but CeeCee’s quotes are fine. I even checked my Strunk & White’s Elements of Style (which every writer should have BTW) to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. “I can’t do this,” she said, is correct. Besides a proper noun (“I can’t do this,” Natalie said.), nothing after quotation marks should be capitalized (“Can I do this?” asked a slightly intoxicated Honeygloom).

We for sure have one cancellation so wolfram you are up after Chloe:) Good luck with the shrink...

Right from the beginning the Prince/King ‘requesting’ his sword to be brought bothered me. A prince gives orders no? Watch your word choice. The first sentence of the second paragraph does not require a coma. The sentence directly after that contains two different tenses. Also, why does the narrator call him Prince if he’s a King? It’s spelled K.E.P.T. not K.E.M.P.T. again, watch your word choice. There’s another tense shift in that paragraph as well. It’s ‘rest assured’, but it’s also a cliché and clichés should be avoided at all costs. The second paragraph from the end is confusing. Are elves bringing diamonds or swords? And you can find irony in the D.I.C.T.I.O.N.A.R.Y. It seems like the premise is sound. A Prince whose family has been killed over a magic diamond seeks revenge. Sounds interesting, spend more time proofing and developing and I think you could have something really solid and entertaining.
-If you think I’m being unfair, go back and read your own comments. Constructive criticism is absolutely welcome, but you don’t have to be mean.
-Honey

Sorry, I'm at work and I got interrupted. I think on this site not all readers are willing to jump off the tourbus for you. That makes it hard to edit because you can't always trust your reader to really think about what you're writing. So maybe this tip can serve to enlighten readers as well as writers and we can all make more of an effort when we read to really experience the text.

Excellent example Wolfram! I loved that line from Nash's Chapter 10:)
As far as spurting blood, of course blood spurts from a severed head. And there are only so many ways to describe it right? So why bother stating the obvious when the reader can probably do a great job of imagining it. As far as Muriel's emotions in the above chapter. Consider this, she doesn't touch the head with her hand, she touches it with her knife which shows a certain level of emotional detachment. But she does stop to touch it, so there is some feeling there. Using the word beloved helps too, I could have just said "man" and then the whole meaing is changed.
I might be wrong, but I think it's Roland Barthes who talks about "readerly" and "writerly" texts. Readerly being akin to seeing Rome from a tourbus window while the tour guide drones on about the obvious things everyone knows about Rome. Yawn. While Writerly on the other hand is jumping off the tourbus and really exploring the unknown. A Writerly text is one you'd want to delve into, ask questions about and really experience.

In response to the trauma of editing that HAC is causing, consider “Crowding and Leaping” as detailed by the marvelous author Ursula K. Le Guin in her book “Steering the Craft”. Crowding does not mean cramming every synonym of the word blood into your vampire story. It means writing this:
Muriel touched the head of her beloved with her blade. Severed by her own hand, the head was a trifle now and she needed to move on.
And not writing this: Muriel lobbed the growling head of her estranged beloved off with a deft swing of her ever-sharp Japanese Katana blade. Staring at the bloody, pale head she let exhausted tears roll down her emaciated cheeks and thought of her next move.
Crowding means packing the most meaning into your writing by using the best words and not the most words.
Leaping means what it sounds like, skipping what isn’t relevant. Leaping involves a trajectory, to get there you’ll need focus. Is it important that Muriel hacks at vampires with a Katana blade? Not in the sentence above it isn’t. It’s a distracting bit of information that pulls the reader away from the emotion of the scene. Growling, estranged heads and planning moves with sleep-deprived tears running into hollow cheeks; it’s a very confusing moment and easily cleaned up by keeping the mood and the emotion of the protagonist in mind.
-Happy Tuesday- Honey

Bleeding foreheads and prerequisite vices? I know you hate gushing, but you leave so little room for anything else. You even used the semi colon correctly.

Hi djinndarme & Lady A! I read that you each wanted to contribute another chapter. I'd say if no one else jumps in by Wednesday, go for it. I've enjoyed your contributions so far and would love to see more;)

Hmmm... I went for the nebula effect. Totally backfired and won't stop creating new, um, features.
~Beanpole, you have created something beautiful!

I hear most furry things have sharp claws, but that's just hear on Earth...
Great job Cheese:)

Oh for Pete's sake! Smashing job RYN, Billy goat dragons and roided up gnats! Very funny:)

Oh my god you guys are the best silly sci-fi-ests in the whole friggin universe. Wolfram, I'm infinitely happy you joined the force and gave us an update on the fantastically frustrated Spindle;)

I know you love nit-picking, but you never leave any nits to pick. Smashing job, mate:)

Is vomiting in space-time a crime? Fantastic!

Great continuation Nash! And who thought that contraption would work? Not I...

Again, seriously funny:)

Spectacular! Absolutely charming. I usually try not to read comments before I comment, but I have to echo Foo; you treat the subject matter so seriously, that none of it seems ridiculous:)I loved it!

This didn't seem to be as carefully written as some of your other pieces I've read, but I love premise. I also love that, while it is a "I hate my normal, boring, 9 to 5 life so I'm gonna go postal", story, those words are never uttered. It's very character driven which is one thing I really liked about it. Nice work!

Defintely a well written chapter. However, I didn't feel like it moved the plot along at all. The scene with the bloody water was cool, I liked it, but is it just foreshadowing? Did he really drink blood and now he's going to turn into the bloodseeker? What's the deal? I guess what I'm trying to say, in my own rambling sort of way, is that I liked this and you should have written more:) I think this chapter could have moved us much closer to our destination with the ominous bloody water scene to create just the right mood. Overall, very nice job though:)

Sounds like the cat's pajamas. I love this storyline so far, I'm itchy for the next act:)

Cheese! This is great:) Medieval weapons and Joe the Plumber. I love the last line too, I love that he's so non committal. Great job!

-Hey Chloe, I saw your post, but I didn't think Cheese would be so quick! I'll see if some one wants to swap with you.

Definitely start with Juan on the corner and pepper in the rest. I'm pretty sure most people know what R&R means so that's probably not necessary to explain. Plus, you want the exposition to reflect your protagonist. He doesn't seem like the type who likes long explainations;) I remember from Dillon and Kerouac (and the Grateful Dead too right? Mexicali Blues...) that 14 year old whores and pot are the only good reasons to go to Mexico. You said the girls were very young, are they THAT young? Overall I like the premise, I'm definitely wanting more, and can't wait to see what Jeb has in store for his three amigas.

Great detail, I like how you described the ferris wheel instead of just telling us it was a ferris wheel. Sounds more ominous... I really liked this.

Beautiful little piece. It could definitely go in a lot of directions. Nice job.

Hi there! That is an Internet Explorer issue. You can see it if you use Firefox. Kinda silly, but it is being worked on.

You could always write a different story though, if you don't want to chop up the one you have. There's still plenty of time to whip up something new... just a thought, I know editing can be painful;)

Interesting continuation, definitely creative. Scary though? Not really, I think you should have invested more time into it to give us a better idea of what the being in the well was and what he might do to his captors.

Yeah! That's the spirit. I'm so excited to read your story abundantwater;)

Cheese! Please jump in, I think we'd all love to reas your contribution;) Have at it!

Hmmm… not really an ending, but not much on SM ever ends;) I’m not really into all the lovey-dovey stuff, I think it tends to ring melodramatic. However, I think you did a really good job with it and in the end stripped the story down to its simplest theme: good vs. evil. Whatever Jimmy’s motives were, however he found Adara in this chapter none of that matters as much as good triumphing over evil. It’s an interesting take on a pretty plot driven story and in the end the core, the family, is what survives. And the family has been a predominant theme throughout so, mushiness aside, I liked this and I think you did a great job.

Very nice! I loved that you brought Dr. Lipscomb in, even if only for a brief moment. I love that you made Paige a killer all over again. And killing Methra!! So good;) I thought the explanation of how Jimmy found Adara was cleverly simple; the obvious coincidence helped to illustrate just how weak and psychotic his motives really were. I wasn’t sure who Brandon was? I thought that was a misspelling of Barton (who is dead already) somewhere along the line. However, I loved the dynamic of Adara with Franco in the bad-guy’s body… very creepy image. Your writing seemed a little more rushed and less thought out in this chapter, but overall, I thought you did a good job of tying up loose ends and banging out an interesting read;)

Neat and tidy;) I think you covered every little nook and cranny of the story. Nicely written and nice intensity throughout. And teleportation? How cool is that! One thing bothered me though. If the restaurant was swarming with cops, how did no one notice Bohac dead or see Franco kill Jimmy? And I think you pussed out not having Paige shoot him, but that’s totally my opinion;) I wasn’t as fond of the very last part as I was of the rest of the story. It felt much less deliberate and very rushed. I think some conversation between Franco and Adara was warranted. OVER all I loved what you did. It’s obvious that you put a lot of time and effort into getting the details right- Nice job!

Intense! Whew! Loved the battle scene, very surreal, but not over the top. Paige’s dreams are fantastic and I loved that you didn’t let her wake up. It’s completely feasible (well, at least within this particular realm) that Paige’s young psyche is just too damaged to function. You didn’t address the connection between Jimmy and Adara. I have a hard time believing YOU of all people couldn’t think of something… maybe you rushed it? Over all, awesome conclusion, a pleasure to read:)
P.S. you killed Franco! Good move I thought, Adara needed to battle Jimmy on her own. A living guardian would have muddled the story.

You shifted POV in the beginning part, Adara’s scenes are usually in 1st person. Your dialogue in that scene seems melodramatic and Adara’s responses inconsistent with her personality. Spitting sarcasm after just finding out that her husband isn’t even human, for example, just didn’t work for me. Jimmy’s motives and connection to Adara were not addressed which was to me is a huge oversight. However, you gave us one hell of a psychic battle. You gave Adara and Paige real power and I thought it was great that you did it so creatively.

Jimmy Silent stutters-awesome! I enjoyed the back story of how Jimmy and Adara met. Having Jimmy stutter was pretty clever, but he didn’t stutter in the end, which I thought would have been important for continuity. I liked how you wrote Jimmy’s jail break… no wild shoot outs, just Jimmy being clever and taking advantage of his “gift”. However, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering why, if it was so easy, Jimmy had stayed in jail at all. Also, I didn’t buy that Jimmy couldn’t tell Adara was lying in the end. The race for the old ghost town and the classically tragic setting in the end led me to want a bigger fight than you delivered. Overall though, I thought this was well written and brought great closure to some major issues.

Oh yippy! The protagonist didn’t win;) Kudos for having the guts to turn Adara into a vegetable. I love it when the mold is broken. Thematically it works with the story, Adara couldn’t save anyone with her gift, and in the end, not even herself. I liked the background you gave Jimmy. Parts of the Jimmy/Adara scenes were confusing though. Was it Jimmy who pulled Adara to the warehouse, why? Jimmy could have killed her even after Franco turned up, even in Sunny Dale he could have killed her, but he didn’t. There really wasn’t any closure with Jimmy. Is he still out there killing? Did driving Adara insane end his spree? I LOVED the scenes with Adara and her grandparents, I thought they were really well written and really tense. But they confused me also. Did Jimmy know about the fire before he targeted Adara? I wasn’t clear on that part. Overall, great chapter though:)