All Comments by dogdeity11

If anyone hates this...blame it on Nash. haha.
Seriously though, this was such a fun chapter to write. I admitted in a previous comment that I was skeptical at first however I was obviously looking at this the wrong way. The project idea was awesome. Honey’s kick-off chapter provided the perfect amount of details…and the two chapters before me were fantastic. I tried to draw up an adequate character sketch while also playing into some of the hints left by others. I laid a deeper foundation for a plot line while still leaving it open for the next two writers interpretations. There are still some mysteries to be solved. And I left it with a twist I felt was almost begging to be made. WWB gave us Miriam and even portrayed her as being a little on edge with the Priest. (remember their exchange when the Priest was trying to abort the ceremony?) So I figured, why not include her further in this mess. After all, it is law that there needs to be at least one witness to the ceremony other than the priest…so she would have to be present anyway. .
The sad part is that I did cut a few paragraphs out. One entire scene actually, where it showed more of a developing relationship between Lacey and Todd. I write my chapters in MS Word and from past experience, I know that when I reach page 5 I have usually exceeded the SM limit in terms of chapter length. So I edited the crap out of this before posting it. Only after did I re-read WWBs chapter again and it dawned on me how much longer it was. I compared word count. SM must have extended its limits? Anyway, as a reader, I would knock my chapter for the same reason that some folks knocked hebe’s: there is no courtship or relationship development between Lacey and Todd. That was the scene I cut. It was just romantic goo anyway. haha
So I hope this is as well received as the other two. I look forward to reading the remaining chapters!

Okay, so here is my effort. It was quick and dirty. Because of the awesomeness of the first two chapters I wanted to put this out there and absorb any feedback before publishing. I’m fresh and new to this project and don’t want to step on any toes. If you think I missed the pulse on this one let me know and I’ll rework it. Thanks!

Oh, as a side note, I found the whole earring bit comical…in both this chapter and WWBs. It may in fact be a location taboo, (I am originally from the Mid-West), however, as far as I’ve always known in popular American culture, (at least in the 80’s and early 90’s), a single earring in the right ear was an indication of homosexuality. The left ear meant straight. However, prior to the ‘glam’ days of the 80’s I believe a guy with either ear pierced was consider to be ‘gay.’
Fast forward to the late 90s and beyond, (Beyond is where I’m assuming this story takes place), and neither ear means a thing…although you typically don’t find many guys who only have the right ear pierced, unless in fact they are gay. Most guys that choose to pierce their ears nowadays get them both done. Right?

hebe6405 – Another spell binding addition, I thought. I wont belabor the previously mentioned points of the Tony/Todd name change and the lack of courtship; I’ll just say that I too was mildly distracted. Beyond that, wow…I loved it. I think you added some great depth to it by dropping tasty little hints and clues. I echo the above sentiments that your dialogue was terrific. I wanted to call out a particular exchange because I found it masterful:
** The blink was slow, “Only losers say they’re close to winning. You can’t come to Vegas and think you’re going to leave rich. Oh, by the way, I’m getting married.”
“Really? That’s great.” Tricia took the bill and left. **
I read that bit several times. I just thought it was so awesome.
WWB set the bar really super high however I think you definitely held your own. Great job!

Holy shizzit WWB. I had no idea what I was getting myself into with this. I found your chapter disturbing and positively riveting. I was breathless man. I thought you went beyond the call of the project by providing such a terrific character sketch. I admit, I was mildly skeptical of this after reading the intro. (No offense to HoneyG…but I was just sort of like, ‘ehh…okay. Decent idea but I don’t see it blossoming into anything too entertaining.’) Boy was I wrong. (just goes to show how important it is to always keep the creative juices flowing). This chapter really set the whole project ablaze. You added some wonderful clues and some even better mysteries. I find myself intimidated at the prospect of trying to create a chapter worthy of being in the same storyline as this one. Really, really great job man!

Thanks for the welcoming enthusiasm guys! I’d be happy to take both on. I’ll get to work this evening and fill both slots by the end of the weekend. Is that sufficient?

Honey, would be happy to fill in wherever needed if you havent found a replacement yet. Let me know...here or via email.
11

A well deserved selection! I thought this was a smooth, seamless transition from chapter two and along with eternal_flame, had it in my personal top two favorites. Congratulations my friend. The only bummer is now I wont be able to read entries from you for the up-coming chapters.

Here’s an uplifting little holiday tale. Ho-ho-ho. I’ve had this scene in my head for a while. It is actually a smaller chapter of a much larger piece…so if you feel disconnected from the main character, that’s why. Your only getting a taste of who he is here and why he does the things he does. Even so, I thought it was mildly chilling and entertaining enough to share.

Thanks again to all the judges for such well thought out critiques. It’s like having your own built in proof-readers! Naturally I don’t agree with everything that was said, ‘Clichéd,’ ‘Cheesy,’ ‘Comic-bookish’, (okay, well maybe the comic-bookish), but you gotta love the in-depth coverage!
I had a lot of fun in this round seeing all the different directions people took this. Can’t wait for ROUND 4!

Wow...now here are some quality critiques for you! BOO-YAA!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment judges.

Very well written and ‘entertaining’chapter. Caused me to go back and read your entire catalogue here. Then just for good measure I read a few of them again.
I’m leaving comments on this one as it was probably my favorite. While I unquestionably love quick little bits of erotic fiction…I love them even more when they are written so well. And the imagery in this was steamy. It also struck me as being pretty absurd, but not in an unbelievable way. Absurd that someone would be so overcome with desire that they would allow themselves to be emotionally reduced to a piece of art. Of course it happens and therefore I wasn’t left feeling cheated. Not at all. Even so, I just couldn’t convince myself that she was completely clueless. Surely she sniffed the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow…whether she wanted to admit it to herself or not.
But what really left me gasping was the unknown of the moment that would have followed your last sentence. What would her reaction be? I bet she squirms a bit. Half heartedly begs and pleads. Maybe even casts a few empty threats. But inside she’s on fire. And that’s just absurd. Absurdly hot in fact.

shadinah~ Bravo! Once again you skillfully dovetailed every day commonalities with the uncommon mystery at hand. Example, the interrogation: “Uh, baf’room!” He replied, flinging his arm in the general direction. I cringed at how close it came to upsetting the water bottle on the stand beside him.” Mom can play Agatha Christie all she wants, but she’s still Mom.
I am really into this storyline…its simplicity is absorbing. Mostly because I know that underneath, the answers most likely are anything but simple. And once again, you leave us with a cliffhanger…which again is not so far fetched (teenage girl sneaks out of house at night). Only, because of the lingering mystery, we can only imagine where she has gone and what she is doing. Vampire? Gang? Female teenage fight club? Animal experimentations in the neighbors shed? Or is she innocent of the bloody shirt, (yet still guilty of sneaking out)? Maybe it’s the coach potato husband. What is going on in that basement anyway?
I see that this is the last of the three chapters. Don’t leave us hanging!!!!

shadinah~ absolute delight! I was irked that the first chapter wasn’t longer, however this one made up for it. You probably could have meshed them together for one big chapter? Whatever…I loved it. You have taken an everyday situation, Laundry, and created an absolutely realistic mystery around it. Something that anyone of us could potentially be faced with one day. You’ve infused common emotions with uncommon ones brilliantly. The little jabs at the husband are perfect. And you’ve managed to develop a likeable heroine character right under our noses.
I love that this could go so many places too. Could be a murder mystery. Could be a childish prank. Could be Mom’s slipping off the deep end and has developed multiple personalities. ‘Now where is that baby again? Come to think of it….haven’t seen him in a while….’ (queue eerie music)
I especially enjoyed the following as it kept the mystery honest by using common Momisims:
“I immediately ran though all the boo-boos I had kissed and band-aided, but I couldn't imagine any that would have produced this. Frankly, an owie that could soak a shirt would have warranted a quick trip to the ER.”

Hi shadinah ~ terrific little gripper here. you obviously have a gift. creative, suspenseful, and well written. It’s just a personal issue for me…to see something well written yet so almost painfully short. Selfishly, I wanted more. But I see you have a chapter two…so hopefully that will satisfy my dirty laundry craving.
I really liked this line:
“My stubborn, iron-willed little man, who was sure he was Spiderman?”

Thanks theblackhand and shadinah~
I am really excited you guys liked my chapter. Especially you shadinah seeing as how it is an extension of your winning first chapter! I honestly expected this entry to get beat down worse than my first attempt…so it’s really great to see that some folks enjoy it. I did feel like that’s where you were heading with the kids. However based on some of the comments I’ve seen in this round I get the sense that there are a number of folks out there that would prefer to keep this out of the realm of supernatural horror. To me it just seemed to fit, but my mind usually goes there anyway.
Thanks again for the comments/constructive criticisms. (weak = weak…agreed)
I really appreciate it.

Thank you kindly for taking the time to...eh, 'review' my chapter. And I appreciate the comments. You’re absolutely right too. This short work was actually part of a larger project that a bunch of us here on SM worked on several months ago. That’s why it is unclear and carries little to no plot. I should have pointed that out in my original comment. I only posted it because I enjoyed some of the imagery and emotion it contained. As far as the flow being choppy and distracting…well, that’s just sort of how I write. I know it’s not for everyone. Thanks again for reading and commenting!

THANKS!

thanks HuntsFamousWolf! great to hear from you. Appreciate you reading and commenting!

Hey theblackhand! great to hear from you my friend. thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I'm trying to make the rounds and catch up on all my favorite writers on SM. Cant wait to see what you have posted since I last checked!

Hey Cheeseliker! Been a while. Thanks for reading and commenting. Your right, I'm pretty sure the judges will hate this...haha! Truthfully, I'm not at all concerned with 'winning' a contest. Sure, it’s always great to be rewarded for hard work, but my writing never translates well to contests on SM. I figure the majority of people just don’t like my particular style of writing, which I understand and have come to accept. I’m not very polished or professional. I use improper grammar and punctuation and sentence structure. And my stuff usually reads more like someone’s drunken journal than an actual story. Thankfully, I don’t do this for a living…I just do it for fun. The real reward for me comes when someone actually does like it and expresses so. Like you. Thanks man…I really appreciate it!

Thanks wolfram!

this was a small pieace of '#*@^' that never made it into the 'October Chill/Evil Preacher' mashes that many of us on SM worked so hard at for soooo long. Did we ever finish that project?

Thanks wolfram...yea, this chapter seems to be quite a pile. cant recall exactly why I added the 'sixth sense' to be truthful. it really doesnt come into play much. this turned out to be more of a charachter sketch for me with Largent than it did a decent chapter for this storyline. Appreciate you taking the time to read!

Hi annalia~
I failed to mention previously, (While commenting on your touching and poetic fairy tale, ‘When it reins It pours’), that I adore your moniker. It rolls off the tongue with magical breath.
I thought this was a wonderful continuation chapter three. It’s not as sincere as the original piece I read from you, but that’s understandable. Storymash by nature is a ‘mashing site’ that allows all of us to step outside our comfort zone and try new styles and genres. (Im personally still learning this lesson). I felt like I could sense a mild apprehension from you here, as if you had a destination, yet were hesitant to fully realize it? (could be the whiskey) Although sometimes writing within the confines of contest restrictions can stunt your creativity.
Even so, I really loved your chapter. It maintained the flow of the storyline for me. I followed it easily. I thought it was well written and I could tell it was your voice, (again from reading your previous chapter).
My only criticism is that your dialogue could use some workshopping.
It’s advice I’ve been given plenty of times before, yet still sometimes take for granite… “Read your dialogue back.”
And read it out loud. Listen to your characters as they verbalize your words. Visualize the scene. Then…Can you really imagine them saying what you wrote?
Great read. I loved it.

I really liked this jakestar. many interesting word choices. I like how you experiment with writing and ideas here. very creative.

Eternal_Flame- so far this is totally my favorite entry for chapter 3. I thought your dialogue was spot on. I loved the interactions. My only gripe was that they knew she was working for the FBI yet they failed to frisk her for weapons or phones. But then you took care of it by showing the Mayor as ‘dim-witted.’ Awesome! Really well paced and well written. Great job.

politeditor- terrific addition to this series. I liked your pacing. Throwing Irene out there at the end was nice too, although I admit…I had to go back and find out who she was. Nice work and great ending.

thanks Foo. Always great to hear from you. I'm sure your scenarios were tons more entertainng than the truth. :-)

Okay, since my last chapter seemed to fall short of the mark as it relates to this storyline, I wanted to give it another go. The feedback I received was that my addition didn’t seem to mesh well with the others. (Which I agree with) I assume that was because I went too ‘HORROR SHOW’ with it. So, I thought…okay, I can do this. ( I think I can I think I can)
Alas, after starting out on what I felt was the right track…I inadvertently sank back into the depths of horror and gore. Haha. I surrender then. I guess that’s just who I am. Try as I might I couldn’t conjure up a direction that would make this some sort of James Bondish type tale…or some ode to Sydney Briscoe. (Alias) To me personally, it just reeks of a horror conspiracy. Scary kids. The lying parents. Questionable call to the Agency.
So, here is my second effort…a little less bloody and gory than the first perhaps, but still securely in the realm of horror I suspect. And I had just as much fun putting it down on paper…er, word document. Hope someone enjoys it.
Oh, and I did manage to continue it this time from Ms. Bs POV!

thanks politeditor! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

This was so much fun to read. So many awesome authors mentioned. And so many that I now need to go check out. I think most of my personal favorites were mentioned at one point or another.
I own everything and frequently reread the works of:
Edgar Allen Poe
Ray Bradbury
Chuck Palahniuk.
I suppose my all time favorite genre would be horror. Like many of you I was a huge King fan growing up, however I’ve found it increasingly difficult to make it through any of his new stuff without taking some serious naps. I was at one time obsessed with Roland the Gunslinger and the ‘Dark Tower series…although admittedly, I have yet to finish it.
I was also addicted to the Anne Rice vampire novels way back in the day before Tom Cruise ruined Lestats for me. I also used to love those kooky ‘Flowers in the attic’ books by…eh…the name escapes me now. (V.C.Andrews) My girlfriends mother owned them all and I read them all. Petals in the wind and something about thorns and seeds and etc…etc. I remember being thoroughly inspired to create my own demented family after reading them.
I absolutely love the work of Clive Barker. ‘Books of Blood’, ‘The Great and Secret Show’, ‘Everville’. So creative. I think I would include him along with Bradbury and Palahniuk as my biggest influences. (oh, and as Chloe pointed out…Dr. Seus!)
There is a not so well known author by the name: D.A. Fowler, (she also goes by Debra Fowler), who has one of the most gloriously demented imaginations ever. If you can track down a copy of ‘What’s wrong with Valerie?’ or ‘What’s wrong with Tamara’ or any of her other twisted works I highly recommend them.
Some of my all time favorite reads:
Pillars of the Earth – Ken Follett
River God – Wilbur Smith
The Beach – Alex Garland (possibly my all time favorite book…depending on the day)
Battlefield Earth – L. Ron Hubbard. Yea, the guy could write some pretty awesome Sci-Fi. This book translated terribly into a motion pictures…but the book is epic.
Great Expectations - Dickens (duh)
The Giver – Lois Lowry (magnificent…so easy and so deep)
The Fountainhead – Ayn Rand
The Drowning People – Richard Mason
Since joining SM I have also become a huge fan of Honeygloom.
I have no doubt we will all be including her name on this list one day.

Dr. Suess is genius!!!

chloe- terrific chapter. I really like how you handled the situation at the bus stop…very creative. The second part of your chapter I was glued to the screen. Captivating. Really terrific angle you created. Nice work!

Thanks Nash and WWB! I appreciate you guys taking the time to write and comment. I didnt read the rules for this contest so I guess I totally missed the mark. DOH!
Great submission from both of you! GL-

I really enjoyed your work! Fairies and the like are not necessarily my favorite read, but you certainly put a different spin on things. Your tale is poetic and creative and well written. (dont sweat the small typos, they are inescapable and always fixable) And the impact, (no pun intended), at the end was a terrific slap in the face. Great read. Very entertaining.

Another really entertaining and well written read Nash. very creative!

Wow, WWB- There’s a whole lot going on here…and I love it. Nice character builds and writing. Really creative direction too. Nice work my friend!

Been a while since I’ve contributed anything. I thought this story was a lot of fun and had so much potential. I decided to take it in a sort of ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ direction. Or not…it’s still pretty open. I know some may be thrown because I changed POV, but I thought it was a good time to introduce a new character and look at the story from a different perspective. Might not work for everyone. I totally understand.
Can’t wait to read some of the other entries.
I had a fun time putting it together. Hope some if you enjoy it.
DD11

It’s all so perfect. Grammar and punctuation and wit, oh my! Man, I really encourage you to make a mistake sometime…ya know, just for the hay of it. You may find that it’s just what you…er, your character needs to break out of the kiddie story mold and write a ‘real mans’ book. Ya know, with blood and sex and stuff. Like, maybe the intruder turns out to be the oversexed and under dressed slutty neighbor. Or better yet…how about an Evil preacher! (How awesome would that be!)
Oh, Piffle!
Nash, you are so disgustingly gifted my friend. As Honey said, I know you shun the gushing…but seriously dude, your work never fails to entertain at the highest level. This is no exception. Loved it.

Thanks Honey and Nash! I tried to have a little fun with it. Re-reading it now, several weeks after publication, I would probably do things totally different…but I suppose that’s part of the beauty of this MASH. (and many others) with so many different voices, there’s always a fresh direction one can take something.
I guess I’m a bit confused on Wrights appearance as well. I knew he was killed and then I thought he was brought back to life (?)…I don’t recall him being killed again? He appears in a later chapter on the airplane with the rest of the crew. I probably just missed a chapter someplace. Who knows…just add it to the long list of inconsistencies related to the grand Toby storyline.
Wright and Shirley’s relationship can be whatever one desires it to be. I don’t know that it was ever clearly defined and I don’t know that it really needs to be. At least for me it doesn’t. I like it left as a bit of a perplexing mystery. If it’s ever continued, maybe it can be addressed.
Agreed…the convoluted storyline surrounding the folders left too many loose ends to try and tie up in a nice little x-mas package. So I decided to make them unimportant. I thought it lent an air of hilarity to the production as throughout they seemed to be so urgent to the plot.
Thanks for taking the time to read guys.

You created a real somber mood for me. Introspection and depression. A slightly over mid-life crisis. Made me stop and contemplate where I will be at 50. Will I have 2.5 kids in college on their way to being doctors? If so…chances are I too will be working as a ‘fry guy.’ Mmm, I love fries.
Well written with emotion. I rejoiced at the end. Or, (because you indicate this is chapter one), the beginning of the end.

Good comments hebe6405.

DDDeloris~
Very entertaining! I think the previous comments summed up most of my thoughts. A few typos, nothing too distracting though, just something to be aware of. The plot was delightful and I loved the twist. Totally didn’t see it coming. I also thought the ending could have been designed slightly better, in order to create a more dramatic impact.
Even so, it was a very nice, creative piece of fiction. Great job.

Hola Senor WWB~
I was hooked and engrossed from the first sentence. While I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter, (which set my mind racing with so many different scenarios…ranging from blood thirsty like killers ala ‘From Dusk til’ Dawn’ to a simmering love story between two unlikely characters…one carrying the baggage of a deep family secret that could potentially cripple the others life)…what the hell was my point?? ...oh yea, I was saying that even though I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter what impressed me the most was your writing style. I’ve always loved your work, but admittedly, it was more for your creativity and storyline ideas than for your writing itself. However, you have obviously worked on your talent and it shows. The first time I really noticed was ‘Bikers Haunt,’ which I thought was awesome.
I really liked this chapter and hope to see it continued. It’s so wide open…it would be really cool to see it continued from multiple perspectives and different voices. But also, I personally would love to see it continued from your perspective as well.
Bravo!

great job WWB!!
was this a song you wrote for your band? I found myself singing it as I read!

Um, yea, okay…so I couldn’t resist right? I figured why not keep the door open…just in case. You never know when someone is gonna get a wild hair up their arse and decide to launch into another season of ‘Toby.’
I used a tasty little tidbit crystalfoo dropped in one of her terrific chapters. Shirley had a husband. Living in Australia. Well, now he’s baaaack!

Okay, so after months of tossing and turning, sweating with indecision, stressed about what might happen to our boy Toby and the merry gang of misfits we created…I finally decided to put a lid on this one. I read back through all the chapters and was really amazed at how well we all did. Sure, there are forgotten plot lines and unbelievable mishaps and numerous inconsistencies…but hey, what do you expect when so many awesome writers collaborate on a project that they never discussed in advance! I think we did great with this one and I was damn proud of us all!
I tried to finish it up by staying true to the characters. I hope ya’all enjoy.

tomcat~ thought this was a pretty good beginning. I think your ending would have had more impact had you not titled the chapter, ‘Mother.’ Even so, I really like the eerie feel. There are a few things you should focus on. Another commenter mentioned it…you start a paragraph with ‘But wait!’ Another time you start with ‘anyhow…’ My suggestion is to read it back to yourself after you write it. Try and keep it as a story rather than a conversation you’re having. Does that make sense?
Nice work!

good action. I really liked your dedication at the beginning and the 'chapter 0.'

Damn. Whew.
This was something. Like the first chapter, terrific descriptions. I felt like a voyeur fly on the brick wall. And the end was certainly a jolt. Not sure I really want to read more. But if you write it, I will.
Suggestion: At the bottom of each chapter there is a box that indicates, ‘Write next chapter.’ Chapter twos should be continued on chapter ones.

nicely written! I especially enjoyed this:
For tho we know the hour of the setting Sun
Dying awaits tomorrow or beyond
For our bodies
for the garden
for the old tree
And in this fleeting flash of light we call life,
I must truly live.

No, you did a fine descriptive job. I can see it! There are tons of those tiny little dark alleys in big cities. It just struck me that she wasn’t fighting or screaming, when people were so close by. If she screamed, certainly a crowd would gather in the alley way?
But don’t sweat it…just my opinion. I thought the chapter was very well written and it gave me the shivers

Brutal. Nice descriptive language.
I’m confused though as to how this is happening on “a busy street in the middle of the day?”

Good start! Nice character development.

Smashing!
Only…I’m reading this from my cubicle as my boss walks by and I randomly punch keys in an effort to appear busy. And man, a little jack sounds pretty good about now…

Great read. Loved the identity and voice you gave the main character. This has some decent potential for varied mashable storylines. Nice work!

I thought this was one of the most interesting chapters I’ve come across on SM. I was so drawn into it. Your word usage and descriptions are terrific. I had to read it a few times as there were some confusing parts…but overall I was positively blown away.
Really great read. I hope that you contribute more in the future.

for is ignored.
I wanted to comment that I think this is a great chapter. I think you did an expert job expressing certain aspects of your character. As with the other commenter I too felt like 'his' walk held a deeper significance that was unexplained. But I was okay with a lack of explanation. It is just physically who he is. However mentally…it seems he is still trying to find his identity. What does he really believe in?
Rather than using this comments section to explain to us who your character is…what he is thinking and feeling, why not show it with your writing skill in a follow up chapter?
Another good read.

Painfully delightful. Terrific writing Nash.

Hi mybeautifuldaydream~
I enjoyed this piece because you created a couple of characters and a storyline that I’m interested in. It was a bit choppy for me to read though. Meaning, I felt like you propelled forward too abruptly. You are telling the story in the present tense yet you jump forward weeks at a time, from sentence to sentence. I do think it’s a really interesting story and I liked the main character. I would like to learn more about her and her position. I think if you spent a little more time developing it it would be more effective.
Nice work.

Some good character development and plot outline. I really liked the main characters voice. Nice work.

Super Serial! haha
you are awesome. thanks for the great comments!

Handwriting~ really terrific continuation. I like that you calmed the ‘action’ back down and spent some time focusing back on the character. I also really like the memory ailment factor. Lends a ‘memento’ feel. (If you’ve seen that classic film)
I may jump back in unless someone else beats me to the punch.

Great job carrying on the theme Cheese! You guys, (all writers included), have managed to bring this character to life with a brutality I’m not sure I am capable of creating. I’m enjoying it!

mybeautifuldaydream~ another nicely written and powerful chapter.

Gripping first chapter Vari~ I like how you let the mystery build. Nice and suspenseful.
As far as the formatting issue: I have found that if you are using Firefox browser than when you paste a chapter in from MS WORD, it automatically puts the spaces in-between. When you try to delete them it clumps the sentences together. I’ve yet to find a way around this. If you use IE browser you shouldn’t have this problem…although for some reason you can fit more words in when you’re using Firefox.
Hope this helps.
Great chapter-

mybeautifuldaydream~ terrific chapter. I was on the edge of my seat the entire read. Great use of dialogue. You’ve created a mystery and defined some main characters. I cant wait to see where this goes.

I thoroughly enjoyed this! I ran through it once with a ‘Les Mis’ tune. Then after reading the comments I tried the Gilligan theme. Funny!
Creative and interesting. Would love to see more.

Great chapter Cheese! Way to build up a scene and then smack us in the face. Brutal. It will be interesting to see how the boys deal with this situation in the coming chapters. I loved the opening line, referring to ‘her’ as ‘it.’ Something that the reader doesn’t comprehend until later. This orchard is at the local college so this could be a student. I felt it was clear that the apple in her hand was not the one the boy had thrown. However it was difficult for me to imagine the poor woman holding on to the apple while being brutally stabbed and possibly raped. (based on the description of her clothes.)
She would have to really LOVE apples! Ha-ha.
Its possible that the killer left the apple in her hand as his trademark?
Excellent chapter. This has a ton of potential.

Awesome, another finsihed storyline! Way to go theblackhand and Cheese.
Due up:
WSells - two.
theblackhand - one
honeygloom - one
phsycho - one

HA! 'This was so not good', as I bust a gut laughing.
Just a little different than the last piece I read from you,'gone but not forgotten.'
nice change of pace.

Thanks for the visual. It was very interesting to go the webpage. Graveyards have always sort of creeped me out...but in a good way. if that makes sense.
Again, this piece was really good.

Zelikman~ This is absolutely brilliant. I love your word usage and sentence structure.

Eh, we’ve had our ‘difference of opinions.’ Such is life. I get that you don’t appreciate my particular brand of fiction. I’m cool with that. But it doesn’t change the fact that I enjoy yours. I read all your stuff. I just opt to not comment seeing as how you also don’t appreciate my brand of critiquing. However occasionally something touches me and despite whatever else is going on, I feel compelled to share a positive word. This was one such piece.

Greetings theblackhand~ I thoroughly enjoyed your piece. I admit, I was skimming a little toward the top, just because all the suicide-speak seemed a little cliché. Then I was blown away by the second half. I love that you took it where you did. It has a real Palahniuk feel. Going to rehab or self help meetings, meeting others contemplating suicide, getting to know them and then helping them die. You could turn your character into a modern day Kevorkian type. He has this startling realization that he does have a purpose in life after all…to help others end theirs. Each chapter he meets someone new…gets to know them, earns their trust, then watches as they die by his hand!
As always my friend, creative and engaging. Terrific work.

Exactly! or entirely not at all. You be the judge.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
I’d like to see a character sketch of quetzacoatl

Terrific chapter. You effectively created a melancholy mood with some well written and descriptive sentences.

Much enjoyed. As always, your unique blend of creativity and vision is engaging, entertaining and poignant.

Really good piece UnknownEntity.

Excellent job Cheese. Sorry it took me so long to get to reading it.
You set the stage perfectly or the final battle.

The guy was delusional the entire time! Fitting ending Psycho. Nice work.

Does anyone still check this?
I would really love to finish this project. We all worked so hard on it for so long, and there are some truly interesting and creative mashs here. I encourage everyone to give those that are up a really hard time until they write their next chapters. (haha)
We now have THREE completed storylines. Thanks to Nash, Cheese, and Psycho.
For those of you with Chapters due, if you are certain that you are not going to finish then post the message here. Someone else will pick it up for you.
********
Still on the hook:
WSells for two endings. (since one is a dropout with an X) ((check the graph))
Theblackhand for two chapters. (one is an ending)
Cheese for one.
Psycho for one.

Seems like eternity, (and a few extra days), since I’ve read a new honeygloom piece. This was very exciting! Now, I have to admit, because I adore you so, it would be terribly difficult to be unbiased when commenting and voting. Thankfully you’re so damn good I don’t have to worry about that!
I loved this chapter. It’s very moody and emotional. And there are some sensational lines.
As always your imagination fascinates me. The bones of a fairy stuck in a rock on the beach. “But I’m drawn to bones.” Awesome.
I try to avoid commenting on others comments however someone mentioned a lack of details surrounding the setting and I disagreed. I think you provided enough details regarding the setting for the reader to fill in the blanks on their own. You have to give your reader some credit right? It’s cold. It’s a beach. There are rocks. Its night time. I would feel like additional descriptions of the setting may in fact detract from the overall mood of the piece. Anyhow, my opinion. I was able to envision the scene clearly.
I also wanted to call out a particular bit because it really moved me. (see below)
Great writing honey!
“With unkissed lips I stumbled along the dark and moody beach. Against all the dark and grey the fragile white ossa beamed. I wiped my tears away and cursed Seamus for the chill against my skin. He used to love me, now he’s used to me. Don’t think that each kiss might be his last. Might be though.”

Hi ya rocklee11416~ Thanks for continuing on with this mash!
What I really liked about your chapter was your ending. While writing the first chapter I considered all the alternative universes that this storyline could exist in. One of them was in fact killing off the main character every few chapters and having the mash continue with a fresh personality. Not sure if we will go there, guess that depends on the next artist who follows. At any rate, I thought you did a great job surprising the reader with the twist. Very creative.
What concerned me was that the tone of the entire chapter was pretty one dimensional. While I like the pace that has developed, nice and slow, (we are certainly going nowhere fast and that’s perfect), I would have liked to have seen more depth. You pointed out yourself your over usage of the word ‘queer’ and I agree to a point. You can use it as much as the character sees fit, as long as it’s in the right context. I sort of got the impression that our guy doesn’t really give a **** about anyone’s sexual preference. He knew what this guy was about when he got in the car…yet he was unconcerned with it. He’s got his own agenda. Safety. Hideout. Food. Clothes. Murder. See what I mean? The whole chapter sort of revolves around his anxiety over the ‘queer’ making a pass at him.
Anyway, these are just observations on my part and not science or law. The great part about MASHing is that each new artist can explore their own creativity and mold the storyline any way they see fit. With that in mind, I really enjoyed your chapter and your writing style. I hope it continues to get mashed and I look forward to seeing you contribute to it again.

Hey FOO~ YEA! This was so perfect. I absolutely loved it. I actually liked that it didn’t advance the plot too significantly. This whole experience just seems like it should fester along slowly. Like even though there is this world of **** happening all around our character, all these crimes and people searching for him…he just sort of plods along at his own pace. I thought the cigarette bit was genius. I hope the character continues to just let it hang from his mouth and never smoke it.
I also agree with one of the previous posters, this had a real good rhythm and flow to it. Reading mine back now sort of feels like a rough draft character sketch compared to yours. I really love the way you craft a chapter!
This was just one of the many sentences that made me cheer:
“ The stuff that stains is up in the attic, in my belfry and God be damned if there aren’t bats. Bats **** everywhere.”

Would you stop leaving me these terrible comments. haha--

Thanks Foo! This was a lot of fun to write. I'm so excited you mashed it. I can't freakin' wait to read it!

Wow...thanks for the really terrific compliment theblackhand!

Kingdom1990~ This is the third chapter of yours I’ve come across and the third really, really terrific read. You have a wonderful sense of imagination. This was very uncomfortable and horrific. Loved the emotion. Bravo.

Kingdom1990~ Wow…this was pretty gripping. Nice social commentary and great descriptions. I loved how you bounded from character to character and created scenes.
Really fascinating and well written. Loved it.

Kingdom1990~ Whenever I read something I really like I feel compelled to offer some suggestions. Take them for what they are…just my opinions.
I was left feeling at times like it was more of an outline for a much grander story.
Maybe you could space it out a bit more. Say, have the time on the ship be its own chapter. You did a great job describing the layout of the ship and the sea, but you didn’t detail very much action. Introduce some of the other characters. Dialogue about their travels: Does everyone consider it a failed mission because they didn’t discover any non Nation territory? Is everyone ready to call it quits and go home?
Maybe detail a bit more about where they picked up the mysterious man. Character build and elaborate more on him so when he commits the deed it is more effective. Have some of the crew attempt to engage him in conversation maybe. Give a glimpse of his nature. Something of an ominous foreshadowing.
Chapter two could be the ship finally arriving home. Show how the men are so excited to finally be back. They take to the streets with wild abandon searching for lost friends and lovers. Show how some of them are disappointed to find their home has changed. Really express how the main character feels to be back in his parents house. In his own bed. Totally build up the giddy happiness, only to blow it up when he discovers his parents are gone. Then the contrast of the parade and the assassinations in the next chapter would work so much better in terms of emotion.
You have created a terrific back story with emotion, and a terrific front story with the mysterious character and the assassination. And there must have been some HUGE announcement because of the parade?
I hope you take my suggestions as a compliment. I really enjoyed your writing. I think you have a great idea here. I think it has real potential to be a certified page turner if you decided to invest the time into it.
Nice work.

Garbage 80~ Good start. I really liked the very beginning. So direct and matter of fact about something so dramatic. Ouch.
This is an interesting topic and I’m anxious to see where it goes from here. Nice writing.

Pittymenot,
Creepy and disgusting. Loved it. You’ve created quite a scene here. I’m a bit confused as to exactly what is going on, but that’s good. Leaves the next chapter open to many interpretations. Nice description language too.

Hi moonglow,
Terrific start for a MASH. You managed to build a solid character, provide conflict, a plot basis, and some mystery. I really liked how you used the 'dear Fran' letter to set the stage. Nicely done.

Thanks WWB. I appreciate you taking the time to read.

Terrific chapter. Interesting and thought provoking. I enjoyed the comments as well.

you could serve me better by not wasting my time with your comments. kind of like I dont waste my time with yours anymore

Congras foo. I loved your contribution!

Thanks theblackhand. I am a long time Prince fan and love the 'Under the Cherry Moon' album. That is exactly where that particular phrase came from too. :-)

I appreciate you taking the time to read quetzacoatl. In fact, writing a 'fantasy' type story was sort of 'out of the box' for me. However I believe I know what your saying. Perhaps something a little less marketable and a little more intellectual. Good comment, thanks!

I love how disgusted this made me. I hate Leroy and yet I can’t wait to find out what he does next.
I found it interesting the story is ‘Leroy’s head’ and not ‘Leroy’s heart.’ ?
As always honeygloom, the writing is terrific. Gripping and emotional.
I can’t wait for more demented chapters.

This was so entertaining. I admit I had this image of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama as Bolt. Something about Sci-fi yarns always lead me to cartoon visuals.
Anyhow, really fun read and well written. I hope to see you continue this one.

This is really cool. I don’t think I completely understand what is happening...and I'm not sure if I am supposed to or not? Either way, I really enjoyed it. Nice bit of writing.

crystalfoo~ Finally found the time to read and absorb this and I’ve got a few things to say:
I agree with some of the others that this chapter seems a bit overloaded. I also agree that the shifting scenes were mildly distracting. (Not very much…just mildly)
However the negatives were far outweighed by the positives. For beginners, this was terrifically written. I loved your word usage and your creativity in adding some definition to this storyline. I agree completely that the storyline, while really good…was running slow. This chapter certainly brought it up to speed. I like the Paige kidnapping. I love the inclusion of past characters. The suspense, the thrills, the twist, the leave. Excellent.
I haven’t read the rest of the entries for this round yet, however this is definitely one of the more entertaining chapters I’ve read in this entire series…which doesn’t necessarily always translate to ‘best fit.’ Although, in this case it very well could.

crystalfoo is back in da house ya'all.
I haven't read this yet foo, I will do so very soon. I just wanted to give you a quick 'welcome back!'
we've missed you. :-)

I just noticed you posted these chapters prior to the project launch date. I apologize for thinking you were designing them with the project in mind. This explains your short chapter and slow progression in the storyline.

sidscifi~ I just figured out that this was a continuation of the previous chapter. Nice job. What you want to do next time is click ‘write next chapter’ at the bottom of the storyline you are continuing. I like how you handled the situation though. You answered a few questions I had from the previous chapter. Keep in mind for the sake of this project that this will only end up being six chapters though. I think we need to move forward at a quicker pace.

mcrum24~ Here’s what I don’t get…Ashley indicates in chapter one that she knows what town she is in. So is Salem the name of a different town, or is it just the name of this ‘remember the alamo’ type fortress in the middle of the woods? And why isn’t she more concerned with asking questions like, “Do you have a phone, or a car, or any other way for me to get back to real society.”
They are telling her they can protect her, and she has to pitch in. I would be like… ‘Ah, I don’t intend to stay here forever folks…but thanks.’
It may be admirable for this group of people to set up camp in the woods and fight these creatures…but isn’t there still a real world out there? With police and militaries?
Okay, maybe being too critical as this is only a chapter two. I just personally don’t get this angle. Sorry.

nash~ As always your trademark writing skills are on display here. The comic touches. The terrific little details…The flying cow-Mrs. Oleary, etc.
I do however agree with the last comment, you seemed bored. While it was well written it wasn’t very crafty. For starters, these creatures don’t just come out at night. Unless I misread, I believe it was indicated in the first chapter that this ordeal began during the day. Beyond that, I got turned around with your haystack, ring of fire scene. I wasn’t able to get a good visual. Too confusing. Maybe it was just me?
I was also thrown by this: “Obviously, I made it out, or else I wouldn’t be able to retell the story now.” Doesn’t that sort of take away the suspense? I guess I was following the narrative assuming it was not a ‘retelling’ but that I was in her head.

sidscifi~ Damn! Really cool creepy beginning. I had a difficult time visualizing the character as female. Hard to say why really…I went back over the story and nothing really jumped out indicating man or woman. Although, the name ‘Ashley’ and the dilapidated cabin scene sort of gave me an ‘Evil Dead’ vision.
The situation doesn’t look good for our Ashley. Look forward to finding out how this goes.

nobodysgoddess~ I really enjoyed your chapter. I actually think it would have worked much better if it instead of being a new chapter it was an extension of chapter one. We only have six chapters for this storyline and I’m not sure how much development this one provided. It could still work…depends on how the next chapter it handled.
Good writing though! Frightening scene.

I do still contribute thanks for asking. Click into my moniker and you will find I’ve posted several new chapters over the past few weeks.
Recently however I've been focused more on the development of the projects. I'm really excited about getting some of these terrific stories published!

hologram~ I too liked your direction with the storyline, however I felt like the short chapters within the chapter changed the tone of the story and created a real broken feel for me as a reader. I think you could have accomplished the same progression in the storyline without them.
All the same, I enjoyed it and loved your leave.
I voted a four.

ksweaver~
I really enjoyed this chapter. Great character builds and drama. I was surprised to see his mother treat him like that! I’m anxious to find out what happened to DA3.
Really good writing.

You managed to give a sufficient amount of details in a very short chapter to kick start a potentially cool storyline. I definitely think you could have made it longer though.
Very cool closing sentence.

Yep, everyone’s got advice on writers block.
So here is mine: Keep writing.
I always imagine myself faced with a deadline and I have no choice but to push through and write or I’ll lose the big book deal.
I personally keep a daily journal. It