Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill (3)" by curly_stare

In chapter two Adara (not Aldra) was leaving her office at the end of the chapter as if headed out on a mission. To find her daughter presumably.
The beginning of your chapter 3 has her leaving home, headed BACK to her office as if in the midst of starting a new day.
Where is the in between? What happened from the end of chpt 2 to your beginning chpt 3?
You failed to make that connection, thus losing the storyline's continuation altogether.....

This critique crept onto the page, scraping unintelligible marks into cohesive signs, a road map to Storyville. Nothing like an abstract metaphor to open a story. Me likey. Hard boiled-like. It took me a second read to realize it was indeed Adara you were referring to. I couldn’t decide if it was the killer (also a woman?) or someone else. I was also confused how Adara moved from her front porch into her car. In contrast to your articulated, lush imagery, the shift was harsh.

Speaking of harsh shifts... what happened to Paige? She was completely disregarded, as was any indication that chapter 2 happened. The time shift was weird; ignoring the significant event and worry about her daughter was unforgivable.

Sigmund the GPS? Well done. Loved the “Route not recognized” and the double meaning. Shocked at the sudden appearance of Nona in the backseat.

Enjoyed Detective “Guy” Olwen. Whether or not it’s intentional (considering the multiple incarnations of Adara’s name last round), I like how he botched her name. Great play between the dick and the doctor and their mutual disrespect for one another. Fantastic cliffhanger.

I enjoyed your descriptive images and wordplay. (Like everyone else so far, you muddled your verb tense too.)

Here’s the suck part: this would’ve been a great entry for round 2. A day late and a round short. It doesn’t fit at all here. As much as I enjoyed your style, it doesn’t work at all at this stage of the story.

My vote: 2

I think we lost a day in there, somewhere. And we missed the whole story about Paige. I think it would have worked better if the detective showed up prior to Adara driving to Paige's rescue. It would have been the perfect opportunity for her to tell him what she had dreamt the night before and what was going on with her daughter. I DID really like the detective character. Bold. No B.S. We still have no murder and no leads.

I’m, confused. Does the first paragraph just gloss over Paige’s rescue??? That’s sort of anti-climactic. I do like the opening though, it just doesn’t seem to fit here plot-wise. You have a number of great lines actually, “My very own sea urchant of discomfort chartering waters of my abdomen.” It’s ‘urchin’ but this a really good, concrete visual image for something more emotional. I did find myself a little jarred by the sudden shifts in scenery, even a little asterisk would help visually let the reader know that scenery is changing. I like the creepy detective, but I don’t see what’s so bad about the doctor’s card being on her patient’s person. Is he just trying to intimidate her into helping him? He’s definitely a strange detective.