Discussion of "TSNK-5: Crux Commissa" by crystalfoo

Well! I've missed SM! I've been gone awhile and I come back and BAM! Smack in the middle of a really cool little contest! So...this is my two cents. Hope it doesn't open tooooo many cans of worms...:) I was attempting to move the plot along a bit and close some open windows, seeing as how it's a 10 chapter contest. But I'm not so sure I succeeded. lol. And I am under the impression that we can revise now...after it's published...? Great. Give me yo' feedback people and I will gladly take advantage of that. What a cool story line to mash on! Look forward to hearing from you all!

Phenominal! I'd comment more but want to read it again!
Chloe

Pretty good. Great writing..everything was great...BUT it was extremely extremely confusing. I guess it was too many POV shifts and too many murders going on at once. I know driving the plot forward....but all this seemed to go down too quickly..the characters are disappearing and I don't even know which ones. Well great job either way. I'm probably the only one that will be confused so nvm...

The pov shifts, I hoped, were clear. From the 1st person (Adara) to the theives in the warehouse. Those were the only two. (And I know, I wacked Miguel, but I couldn't make sense of him and his role in this. He has to be a pawn, or he just becomes another suspect. and an obvious one at that.) I know that killing characters is a slippery slope, but it's also just as confusing to create and explore so many,(with limited chapters left) or worse, leave them hanging. And the ten deaths were coming few and far between... Father Preston and his role as Prime Suspect No. 1 was taking a while to unfold, and it's always fun to take the obvious villian and make him a victim. wa ha ha. :) Like I said, critique is welcome! Thanks for reading. Foo

wwwwoooooowwwwww!!!
I really really liked this chapter. I think killing that many people was kind of overkill (pun haha). It was alot to absorb and I just think it was too fast. Other than that I feel this was a very strong chapter. Good Job!

I know. I know. eek! I'm not defending my actions, but I really, 'technically' only killed 4. (And if there wasn't a 10 chapter limit to this story I would NEVER have killed so many so fast...not to say it wasn't fun but...) The two for adultery happened in the 1st chapter (actually only one did, but hell, when you've got one nailed up it's soooo easy to add another00:) I just couldn't stop wondering what happened with that. Did it happen already, or was it yet to come...there was never an answer to that 1st dream. Someone bigger than the 'evil' priest is out there...da da dummmm. lol
This stuff is so much fun.
Foo

I haven't read your story. I will.

You've been sorely missed, Foo. Welcome back. Hope it lasts this time.

-- Nash

Awwww! Shucks! I missed you guys too! I've been getting D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D, and had to take a little break. A little 'me' time...ha ha ha. It's good to be back:)
Foo

damn! i don't want to compete against this! lol

cystalfoo:

First of all, welcome back. Second, thanks for not coming back when I was still competing! Just kidding! This is absolutely phenomenal! I think at this point in the story, it was definitely necessary for a huge break either in the police case or in Adara's case. And I'm really glad you gave the upper hand to Adara. I loved the last line! Oh my God! I never pictured anyone making Fr. Preston a victim. Great job! I don't think the multiple splits in your chapter are confusing, they all flow very well, however it almost seems as you're trying to create two or three chapters and that somewhat threw me out. I loved the zinger in the very beginning about Paige and am very interested to find out what happened to her.

Also, big bravo on the Mithras role! What research that must have took! I love it. Methra is now even more important than before. I kinda thought we were dropping the ball with her, but you picked it up and are heading straight for a touchdown!

As I've stated on the other chapters I've read, I'm not voting at this time, but once the top ten are decided, my votes will be posted as a comment! Once again, welcome back and absolutely amazing job!!! Keep it up!

Thanks ex.arch. I appreciate the kind words! I liked the idea of Father Preston becoming a victim...he was too obvious and it makes for a nice little twist. And who knows who the real villian is...Methra could be just a pawn...:) The Methra/Mithras thing was a fluke. When I googled cults and cult charms, Mithras popped up and gave me an 'alternative' God for Methra. The name thing was just too cool to pass up. :) Foo

I thought that the chapter was too much. It felt all over the place, and doesn't fit to the rest of the story.

I wanted to add to my last comment. I am not trying to knock your writing. I just don't feel the events that take place in this chapter were earned. To randomly have Paige kidnapped, or to have sanchez killed, and then have the mom identify Mertha as the "sun god" -- was just too much for the story all at once.

Walking: Hey! Thanks for the comments; I appreciate honest feedback and welcome your opinion. Just to make a point; Paige's kidnapping wasn't random (I don't believe). Since chapter 2, the story has been leading up to something happening to her. Methra isn't THE god Mithras: the connection justs eludes to an alternative religion that she is involved with. A cult, etc. I'm a junkie for plot-twists and unexpected revelations...lol. Thanks tho, I look forward to reading some of your work soon!

You are welcome. I should have my chapter posted today or tomorrow. I commend your creativity, because I am personally having a little trouble coming up with what happens next.
I don't think Paige should be kidnapped by the killer. I think that it is becoming too expected, so it wouldn't be that great of a shock if it does happen. My train of thought has been that Paige might become the unexpected hero in the story, and that her kidnapping would be more of a constant nagging paranoia for Adara.
Anyways... I look forward to reading more of your work.

Noooo! Please, would everyone stop making paige the frickin hero! Think of it this way... most books where the protagonist is fourteen have a genre all to their own- Children's fiction! And I don't feel that a story filled with crucified, cut up victims, sliced off body parts, etc. is a children's book.

I agree ShadowedPen, completely. She can't be the hero, and might very well be a victim, and that suits the story just fine. LOL.

Welcome back to SM, Crystalfoo....you were missed! Your hiatus certainly didn't degrade your story telling talents! Although I'm not really excited about some of the directions you've gone in this chapter - that's only my personal opinion and you've fulfilled all of the "rules"..lol. I liked whacking Miguel. I've always thought he was muddling things up and wasn't in a position to "do" anything. Paige being kidnapped is very interesting, especially as she knows that she's got her mother's gift. This event could lead to some very interesting dreams between mother and daughter, perhaps. My jury is still out on Methra's newly appointed place in the story...hmmm, not sure how the sun god, Mithra could tie into the christian ten commandments. Finally, even though Fr. Preston was the obvious villain or, at least somehow involved; I'm not happy about killing him off..you did so quite well, however...lol. His absence leaves a hole that will be hard to fill in the five remaining chapters. Anyway....great writing, great imagination and I'm truly happy to see you back!

This was superbly crafted! I thought the addition of Methra's association with paganism was quite a twist- is she a counterpat to the Christian fanatcism, or using religious propaganda as a cover to send police in the wrong direction? Hmmm... I have to admit i will miss Father Preston (sniffle, sniffle) although I had hoped no one would make him the chief villain - far too easy- I hoped someone could take advantage of his history with Adara and inside connection to the church to build a meaty character. maybe even have him not a evil as first implied. His murder scene was spine tingling! maybe if it had been more toward the end of the story so we could have gotten to know him a little better. Anyway it was a fabulous roller coaster of a read!
Chloe

Thank you both for your nice words! Chloe: in my chapter, I have Adara realize that she was 'seeing' the mass crucifixtion of all of the victims, as a whole. That means that many of them are not dead yet. I absolutely want to see Adara racing the clock to save her daughter, and having a moral obligation to save the priest as well,if it worked out that way. Killing the Priest in this way is like having a cliff hanger without strings... Or maybe he's already dead...who knows? lol

crystalfoo,
Ooooh! (slaps self on forhead)It was written so vividly I guess I forget about the intuition part(lol)I love the idea of Adara coming to father Preston's rescue, delicious irony! Can't wait to read more from you!
Chloe

Lol chloe...you're a hoot! No slapping necessary...it wasn't so 'vivid' was it...? lol! I see that now. :)

crystalfoo is back in da house ya'all.
I haven't read this yet foo, I will do so very soon. I just wanted to give you a quick 'welcome back!'
we've missed you. :-)

Well hello Dog! Missed ya'll too! Funny how this little community of writers can be such a wonderful escape, and become such a personal thing! I've thought about my lil writer-homies (did I just say homies?) many-a-times this summer. I'm excited to get back into the swing of things and start mashing again. Oh, and hope you like my chapter...I pissed some folks off by killing half a dozen people but, what the hell...! lol. Look forward to your critique. Thanks for the welcome...:) Foo.

I thought it was great. I guess I was a little confused too, but I came away seeing how you set up so many interesting ideas for other writers to expound upon. Good work, I look forward to reading more!

paganism fits into christianity just fine if you need it to. i mean, christmas, halloween, easter, all originally pagan. Some documentaries like zeitgeist have already created a... a theory that christianity was originally a sun-religion and laid a semi-plausible scientific basis. So the idea of a cult with a blend of paganistic and christian ideas is more than fine. It probably exists in reality.
So I say, roll with it.

crystalfoo~ Finally found the time to read and absorb this and I’ve got a few things to say:
I agree with some of the others that this chapter seems a bit overloaded. I also agree that the shifting scenes were mildly distracting. (Not very much…just mildly)
However the negatives were far outweighed by the positives. For beginners, this was terrifically written. I loved your word usage and your creativity in adding some definition to this storyline. I agree completely that the storyline, while really good…was running slow. This chapter certainly brought it up to speed. I like the Paige kidnapping. I love the inclusion of past characters. The suspense, the thrills, the twist, the leave. Excellent.
I haven’t read the rest of the entries for this round yet, however this is definitely one of the more entertaining chapters I’ve read in this entire series…which doesn’t necessarily always translate to ‘best fit.’ Although, in this case it very well could.

Thank you, D.

Let the bodies hit the floor, baby;) Glad to have you back FOO!! First off, I thought this was a very tense and well written chapter. I didn't really get distracted or confused or anything. I also didn't have a problem with the body count, there was some catching up to do, and Miguel really served no purpose. The only part I wasn't sure was a good fit was the bit with Methra. I can see it working but I can see it muddling things too, kinda depends on what happens next I guess.
Honey-

As I stated before, I am posting my vote. This knocked it out of the park! My vote: 5

Sweet. Thank you much!

Ahhh Honey I missed mashing with you! Thank you for the comments; indeed the body count needing vamping and some characters weren't meant to cut it...lol. You know I was hopped up on coffee when I was banging out that bit about Methra/Mithras...:) If it had been the night before, I would've been hooched on vino and WHO KNOWS what would've happened with her! She's damn lucky. ha! Thanks for reading/posting your thoughts. I'll find ya over on the dark side...(I've seen what you have going over there in PROJECTS.)
Foo

Hi crystalfoo. I'm fairly new on this site, but can already tell that you are a community favorite, which makes for good (but maybe not fair) competition. Although I think your chapter is good, I don't really like it. I didn't think it was confusing like some of the other readers have commented, I just don't feel that it fits within the current story. I'm a huge fan of high body counts (I would seriously kill off one person per paragraph if I felt it would benefit the story) but the murders in your chapter really didn't benefit anything other than knocking off 2 more commandments. I do like that you killed off Miguel, which was something I tried to do in Chapter 4 but no one was buying it then. He's a dead character to me anyway. I personally think that the commandment breakers/victims should connect with one of the already existing characters, considering there are only 4 chapters left after this. Adara's not going to care about 4 murdered strangers now that her daughter is missing (which I do like all the directions that can go). Anyway, your writing is good and your creativity and description is great, I just think this would've fit better as a Chapter 2. Na'mean?!

Well I'm not sure about chapter 2...killing off so many people in chapter 2 wouldn't fit. The thing is that by killing off so many people in just one chapter takes away the suspects. Now that their are only a few characters left the suspects have been narrowed down. The next writer will probably have to introduce a whole new character so late in the story. The mystery would be slightly gone. Also I'm not sure many of these stories actually advanced the plot. I'm not sure if I myself am right but still most people here find that action needs to take place in order for a story to move forward. Adara should have a lead by now...any clue...anything. She doesn't. All she has is Methra and Mithra.....not much help. And also I was kinda thinking that Methra would be killed for another God....cause of the sun god.....since we are talking about the Ten Commandments. Father Preston dying may have been a thrill..but it drives off the chance of him being the killer (though I know he couldn't of been the killer the reader still needs to keep guessing)...
Well great writing. You are probably going to win anyway (well if you don't sorry for doubting all the other writers lol)since most people here loved the story.

Killing off so many "main characters" in chapter 2 wouldn't fit...but killing nobodies would, so that there could be 8 more chapters to tie them all together with the still existing main characters, while still knocking off suspects along the way.

This is definitely one of the best chapters I have read thus far. Your writing is strong and clear (aside from a few minor typos), the plot definitely gets pushed forward (in several directions) and you leave the reader wanting more. I love the back and forth of Adara snooping around Paige's room mixed in with the other scenes — I think it's the first evidence of suspense being carried out WITHIN a chapter, rather than between them. I do agree that all of this might be a bit much for one chapter and there are some huge leaps that need some work (like even between the opening and the part where we learn Paige is missing — might be smoother to just start with Paige being missing and not worry about so directly following the previous chapter.) But overall, very nice effort!

Holly,Thank you for your kind comments.

Xvoor- I don't think that, by any stretch, I'm a fave of anyone...this site hadn't been up long when I popped in and after you mash your tail off with a good group of writers...well you kind of recognize each other. I am damn near heart broken that you seem to think that my chapter couldn't be rated fairly. I don't think that says much about me, but does say much about the writers doing the judging. I'd be willing to bet they don't take into consideration such things. And ya know, my chapter is chock full of crap that doesn't quite fly, or connect and might not go in the direction readers want it to go. That's ok. That's the point. I do think I did a good job. Certainly not my best, but I gave it a fair shot. I can't defend what I've written in this chapter...it's just a story, and I think it's pretty good, but I get that you don't...and that is okay with me. Seriously. That's what we are here for. And I'm not really 'heart broken', but that was a pretty good sucker punch, if you ask me. You're kinda fiesty; makes for intersting mashing...:)

I was definitely in my "breaking heart" phase yesterday apparently, since someone in real life told me the same thing! I've had a chance to read a couple of your other chapters and I really do like your writing. I was not meaning to talk **** about you as a writer or the judges motives behind judging a chapter (they have judged fairly so far). I guess its because I saw some of the same things in your chapter that people raved over, that I saw criticized in previous chapter submissions by some other writers. If you do win this chapter, it will be because you deserve it (fair and square) and I will mash the **** out of it for Chapter 6! You did leave some really interesting places for the story to go. Good luck to you! And yeah...I can get feisty! :)

I certainly don't think you were talking ****. I just thought it was somewhat of a low blow to say that maybe this thing couldn't be fair. It's not over yet, anyway. We could both be mashing for chapter 6. Isn't it funny how recognition is such a powerful motivator? They give away cash, but I would write for little silk ribbons that say "Way to Go!" lol

True that! And I'm very competitive with everything I do, so that motivates me as well. You make for some really good competition and that's really what I thrive for! The main reason I brought up the fairness issue was because during the community voting, my chapter, along with about four other chapters, all went from a 3.1-3.5 ranking to 2.8 overnight. I commented on my own chapter about a conspiracy (purely in a joking matter), only hoping to get an explanation as to why so many chapters fell so quickly. I didn't mean to take it out on your chapter with a low blow as I know that you had nothing to do with that.

Yea, I saw it too. It happened to me as well; mine dropped from 4 to 3 the same day. The whole board slipped down. And yes, I know how frustrating that is. Alot of SM mashers have complained in the past because the same thing would happen to us in the regular rankings of new/continued chapters. I have gone to bed with a 4.8 and woken up to a 2 or 3 knowing that someone was...what's the word...vote slamming? Hence the whole 'if you vote, comment please!' request. Your SM compadres know that it happens. it's nothing to worry about.

Ahh...okay. What a bunch of **** they are! Haha!
Anyway...I'd love to get your thoughts on my chapter if you have the time. And please...don't hold back! ;)

Okay, I just re-read your ch. and left you my thoughts. Sorry that you had to ask me to do so, I really thought I had already commented on your chapter.

Apologies for the quick comments rather than my standard novella...

Hit 'em hard, hit 'em fast, get out and leave 'em hungry. Yep, yep, yep and yep. Busy? Absolutely. But maintained the intensity.

The deaths of Miguel and Preston were sharp but limited, almost afterthoughts. No problem with them being offed, but might've liked less brevity - a peek into their demise. We're halfway through the story now and the killer hasn't manifested a face yet. Hmm.

All in all, loved it. Started strong, left stronger. 4.5

WOW. This chapter is awesome.

Great opening paragraphs--your descriptive writing is great and pulled me in right away.

I love the tone in the line "It's been three days since." This added oomph that was needed.

Watch your grammar--especially it's/its. This was distracting.

I loved the connection between Mithras and Methra--very cool!

Nice! I like that Adara was thinking things out and decided not to go to the police about her suspicions.

Very, very creepy ending.

Overall, a stellar chapter! Great job!

What a return! Congratz Foo!

Congrats, Foo, on an awesome chapter!!! And a triumphant return!
EA

Congratulations, Foo! Well written, well deserved and well-come back...lol.

Thank you guys! Glad to be back!

Hi! I just stopped in for a moment to catch up on the momentum and see which story won...CONGRATS!!!! I am particulary proud of your figuring out the Methra symbolism!!!! First one to do it, and it plays a big part in my continuing chapters!!!! Bravo!!!! I read through this quickly, but loved everything....from Paige missing, to the self- hypnosis, to Methra's possible involvement, to the gang, to the new murder and glimpses into the old ones....just fantastic! I want to re-read it later when I have more time! Thanks for contirbuting! I didn't vote the last 2 rounds, but I give you a 4.

Congrats Foo....

Nurse Kelly? Seriously? Makes sense why we used to mash so enjoyably. I played Dr. Sanderson. Twelve years ago, but still...

-- Nash

Nash~ What a wild coincidence! You were Dr. Sanderson!? Yep, I was Nurse Kelly. It was kind of funny anyway, because Harvey was one of my all time favorite movies and my maiden name is Kelly. Seemed fitting! I had to audition! lol Well I guess that does explain a thing or two...
I loved the play and the role, but my fave was playing Kris Gorman in Rumours. I love to get the crowd laughing. Ahhh, those were the days. Makes me want to audition for something again. ;) Foo