Discussion of "TSNK 10: Retribution" by crystalfoo

I'm sorry about the formatting-not sure how that happened, oh, and the length..lol Not sure how anyone can wrap this story up with anything less than a maxed out chapter. So, I gave a shot...tell me what you think. ;)Foo

Yeah, there was a lot to wrap up in this last chapter! I thought you did a great job of it. We saw how Jimmy chose his targets, and why he was after Adara, which were two of the biggies. Adara's memories of the fire were a great twist - and speaking of twists, man, those grandparents were twisted! Must have come from one of those self-flagellation sects... Anyway, great writing, and great ideas, too. Good luck!

Thanks. Yes, um actually it was a bit of V.C. Andrews fueling the idea behind the Grandparents. When I went back and re-read all the chapters (1-9) what stuck out most to me was the fire and the death of the grandparents (in ch 1). Just wanted to add some funk to all ready funked up story...lol. My brain hurts from this--spent most of the day jamming this one out. I will catch up and read/vote/comment on your chap tomorrow. Thanks for the comment (and Welcome to SM-Congrats on ch 9) Foo

This was so fascinating! I really liked how you humanized Silent Jimmy - gave him a truely understandable reason for becoming such a monster. I was initially hung up on the part about him having a wife and kid because I had been under the impression that he had been in jail since his youth. But then I re-read that chapter and realized it could go a couple different ways. :) One thing I really had trouble with, though, was the line, "The first few he killed by his own hand, applying sins to their faces, mentally avenging the arbitrary deaths of his wife and child..." It had been mentioned in a previous chapter that "Jimmy had blood on his hands, lots of it. The secret was that he had never raised a hand in violence to another person in his entire life." So that threw me a bit.
However, the rest was really good. I especially liked the ending - nice to see that twist with Adara!
All in all, you have an awesome writing style. Good work, and good luck!

Hey shad! Thanks for the comments and nice words. I spent the day muddling thru the issues that were unresolved. This story has a lot of that! One point: - if jimmy didn't kill anyone, then why is he in prison? I guess it could be for grand theft, or robbing a bank, but that just didn't seem his style. I just interpreted it how I needed to. ;) thanks again and welcome to storymash! Foo

FYI - the same chapter that states he never killed anyone by his own hand also stated that he had returned to a murder scene and took a bloody pair of panties as a 'souvenir' (I totally misspelled that, huh?), which was why he landed in jail. However, I think the piece is strong regardless, and you took it in a really great direction, so, you know, details... no big :-)

Yeah, it was a hard chapter to tackle, and I can't imagine anyone will get every thing resolved 100%. :) Especially with a character limit! I see Aggeloi has already answered the prison issue... Thanks for the welcome, I'm enjoying all the amazing writers around here!

Does anyone know why the formatting gets so messed up when we publish a chapter? Or does this only happen to me? lol I went through the entire piece, corrected all the places where the program itallicized entire passages and when I published, it must have reverted back...? idk, but if anyone does, let me know please? It drives me nuts because I use itallics for very specific reasons, places, voices etc. Now I have entire passages in itallics. Uggh. Foo

I don't know why, but I had the same thing happen to me. It may be copying from word? That's what I wound up doing with the chapter 10 I did, and it got SO messed up. I thought I had it all fixed, but missed one. Weird that it reverted for you. I just did a chapter on word pad, and the copy and paste didn't seem to effect it. Maybe try that?

Ah, thanks shad! Word pad next time then.

Hi Crystalfoo....I really enjoyed the play between Adara and Jimmy. Gave us some insight as to why h is the way he is. I am still unsure as to why he wanted her, though. Why the elaborate scheme to get to her through all of the Dr's other patients. The ending just didn't do it for me though...(sorry!!! not trying to be mean!) Adara in the hospital, never seeing Paige or Franco again...no mention of Methra....I think I was hoping for Adara to really understand why she had the gifts she had and be able to put them to use....whether by the end of the story or later...but she's kinda usless now....I think I don't feel very resolved....it feels more like hoplessness. All the build up in everyone finding out who was behind the murders, people becoming guardians who could not help in the end, finding new powers....just seems lost now.

great story!

Oh yippy! The protagonist didn’t win;) Kudos for having the guts to turn Adara into a vegetable. I love it when the mold is broken. Thematically it works with the story, Adara couldn’t save anyone with her gift, and in the end, not even herself. I liked the background you gave Jimmy. Parts of the Jimmy/Adara scenes were confusing though. Was it Jimmy who pulled Adara to the warehouse, why? Jimmy could have killed her even after Franco turned up, even in Sunny Dale he could have killed her, but he didn’t. There really wasn’t any closure with Jimmy. Is he still out there killing? Did driving Adara insane end his spree? I LOVED the scenes with Adara and her grandparents, I thought they were really well written and really tense. But they confused me also. Did Jimmy know about the fire before he targeted Adara? I wasn’t clear on that part. Overall, great chapter though:)

Yes, Jimmy knew about Adara's original 'sin' before hand-a passage in which he tells Adara that through Lipscomb, and the sessions with Paige, he was able to see what she did-because of course Paige saw it on some unconscious level. She's gifted, but young, so it's an unconscious acknowledgement of her mother-she would eventually see this truth. Jimmy saw this through Paige. But if it wasn't clear-then I didn't do it well, (and was probably one of the passages that I hacked to pieces for character limitation reasons.) Adara went to the warehouses on her own-a gut instinct to find clues to her daughter's whereabouts. Her location didn't matter to Jimmy. And no, there is no resolve with Jimmy. He's in prison, he's powerful. Adara couldn't stop him-I couldn't stop him. The gaps I left were impossible for me to overcome without any more space to write. I like my background story/grandparents passages too much to cut them for a lame death of Silent Jimmy. lol Thanks honey for the comment. Foo

I started reading TSNK after you won the contest for Chapter 5, and I identified yours as the game-changer. It was, and still is, my favorite chapter in this story. I knew you'd have a strong contender for chapter 10, so I was unsurprised when you published this excellent work.
Humanizing Jimmy. "The first few he killed by his own hand, applying sins to their faces, mentally avenging the arbitrary deaths of his wife and child."
You summed up his path to evil so eloquently. Then, like me, you tried to tick off the remaining commandment killings. And like me, you saw the Lipscomb connection. (I tried to force someone to pick up that leave after Chapter 7, but nobody bit.) You made all the victims - patients. I made all the patients - victims. I relied on some of your double-murders in Chapter 5 that although all 11 patients died at Jimmy's hands it was for less than 10 commandments. Your way gave us the interesting facts that Amelia, Miguel and even Paige were patients too. First nitpick - you don't explain how the files get transferred - and if it was a coincidental transfer from one therapist's office to another - would they transfer the file of a therapist's daughter to that therapist? Would violate state and federal laws, and ethics.) Second nitpick - the numbers still don't add up. And who was the Lord's Name in Vain victim? Was that supposed to be Paige?

Then you did something that blew my mind - you made Adara a killer - one that Jimmy could target for his psychotic need for vengeance for his family - an arsonist, and you did it using the dream from a prior chapter. A brilliant twist.
I was a little disappointed with the ending, not because it wasn't a happy one, but because it didn't give me the closure I was looking for. We don't see Franco and Paige again until the epilogue. We don't see Methra at all. Jimmy continues his evil ways, or does he? Paige lives a normal life but how does she deal with her powers? I know it was the space limitations, and you chose to spend the time on the Jimmy/Adara scenes then on these other issues, so I get that.
All in all, a great job, and an enjoyable read!

Hey Foo,

I finally got a chance to read your chapter.
First, I'd like to say: nice touch with the quote at the beginning. I've seen it done in real novels and it sets the tone for the story.
Ok, so, you're writing on StoryMash is the closest thing to how I have seen novels actually written. It's the way you write in general that has that booky feel. It sets your writing apart, and I could probably pick your writing out of a hat. Very cool.
I like how you gave a lot of background information and explained why Jimmy targeted Adara.
I've also noticed, after reading several of these chapter 10's that all of us chapter 10 authors seem to share various random elements between our stories. Maybe it's some of you folks that have...the "the gift"...stay out of my mind! JK. :)
Of course, there were the minor typos; then you used smote where I think it should have been smite; and then for "I couldn't wash him out of my mind, yet I felt dirty and violated"...I think "and" would have been a better connector than "yet"...or simply a sentence break in the middle.
There's one thing I didn't like. It was unsavory to me that so many people had the power, and that so many of these gifted folks were Lipscomb's patients. As more and more characters throughout these 10 chapters kept popping up as "gifted" folks...I kept getting little heart attacks. I guess I felt it took away from Adara's uniqueness. I'm getting off point...sorry. This isn't a free-association/meditation session on TSNK...it's my praise of your writing.
Ok, so the grandparents thing was great. Twisted folks like that give me the creeps...I totally loved them as part of the story. I kept wanting to punch them in the face or maybe stab them in the neck with a kitchen knife, and then I said to myself: Bravo, Foo...you definitely raised my blood pressure. lol.
The ending was a bit disappointing, and it's not because of the route you chose to take. It's because not a lot was cleared up. I know exactly who to blame...the godless, despicable, revolting...character limit. There I said it.
Ok, enough of my crap. Final thought: Good stuff, Foo. I look forward to reading more from you.

-Handwriting.

Thank you wolf and handwriting. I had holes in my chapter that I couldn't fill and I know both of you understand the character limit. Even so, I should have chopped, chopped, chopped away until I could fit in a plausible ending for Jimmy. Adara would've been vegetable-ized regardless; I don't enjoy writing disney endings. I forgot (duh!) to explain how/why the files were tranferred. The 'Lord's Name in Vain' victim was Charlie; the railroad tracks, the feeling of Jimmy in his head...he yells Goddammit. It was the best I could do to off the little prick. And I agree entirely with you handwriting; in this story everyone is gifted. I, however, did not give them those abilities...by the time we got to chapter ten-everyone had 'the power'. ;) Thank you for the compliments. Foo

Of course, Charlie and his foul mouth. :)

It's eerie how you and I went to so many of the same places in our respective chapters. We clearly think alike in a lot of ways. I'd love to tackle a project with you, if you're ever game.

Absolutely! Currently, we are doing a project together-Giant Rock...? lol I thought that the number of patient files and the murders were coincidental and therefore fodder for my manipulation. You, like me, probably saw this as a way to tie things together. I made notes the morning I wrote this chapter and literally drew lines across to points of the plot that I could make connections to. It was like match this word to it's corresponding phrase-worksheets. lol Good luck to ya--check out tbh's final draft (posted here on SM) of chapter one of Project Giant Rock. Or just check the chapt one draft folder of pgr wiki. It's pretty solid. Foo

I think you have some of the strongest writing I've seen so far in this contest — you sound professional, have a good sense of pacing and action and know how to keep suspense going, while at the same time making it seem realistic, even given the surrealism of these chapters. I very much appreciated the humanizing of Jimmy and also the fleshing out of Adara through her childhood vignettes. However, I wondered about why Franco would be able to block Adara's memory of the fire and not Paige's of killing the man with the razor? And, I think someone else pointed this out, too, but I'm pretty sure Jimmy never killed anyone with his own hands, so that part didn't quite ring true (tho it definitely makes sense). I'd love to see more of your writing — keep up the fantastic work!

The opening quote you supply is really nice and relevant, but it is inconsistent with the styling of the earlier chapters, so it stuck out to me.

You give some great background into Jimmy's past.

I like seeing Charlie have a "human" side (I'm referring to when he wants out of his deal with Jimmy). The other authors have enjoyed painting him as a villain. I have to admit that I was very happy with his demise, however.

Watch your grammar--especially its/it's (its is possessive, it's is a conjunction for it is).

"I was eight years old. Only eight..." This paragraph is really well written.

Finally! We're exploring the files that Lipscomb send to Adara! Love it.

I like that all of Lipscomb's referral were masked as PSIs.

"I felt the urge to vomit. When he pulled out of me, it resonated with the sickening vacuum of emptiness"--disturbing. I like.

Watch you verb tense--you switch between past and present tense a few times throughout the chapter.

I am SO HAPPY that you've given Adara a dirty, dark little secret. Great touch. I also really liked the parallel between the fire at Jimmy's family's home and the fire at Adara's grandparents' house.

FANTASTIC ending. I am so impressed.

Thanks Katrina~ I had originally wrote the story in present tense-trying to give it that 'in the moment' momentum but I chickened out. I went thru and changed the tense to past, and obviously missed a few. I noticed them too. I'm a nit-pick for those little things (like formatting) but somethings just escaped me. ;)

Ah--gotcha. Well, you are only human ;)