All Comments by crystalfoo

How's this for crazy? My paypal shows funds being deposited (one of which I did receive) but paypal kicked the payment back (reversed the funds) to SM because SM made the payment from a different location that usual. Sent up red flags, etc. Then, SM didn't go into their paypal to rectify or answer the issues, so they just reversed the deposits back to them. Not a big deal with the piddly stuff, but if we ever get paid for winning last summers contest(s), it might be! lol

Thanks Shad. I thought the pov was 1st person for Maribel, and I wanted Robert to have a few scenes. Thinking about it, Robert probably wouldn't have left her in that situation. Might've been smarter to leave out that he saw the second agent crouching in the corner, and just assumed Maribel (with a gun whereas he didn't have one) could handle Pete on her own. idk. Don't you love hindsight? Thanks for the comment and the vote!

Ha. Thanks Agg-knew we could count on you!
lol
Foo

Busted! Me too. Hate that delete button. Hate it. It's like taking all the delicious extras out of a gourmet pizza and leaving only a crust. But then again, how exhausted would we all be had we NO character limit? You know that we are all long-winded, verb-bending, ego-pleasing, narcissists. We're writers, duh. ;) And writers, in my experience do well with deadlines and character limits. It's the only way to keep us on track. lol
When I say I wanted 'more' from your chapter, I mean that each step was a good one, each plot advance was fun and well written, but I wanted more 'internal' dialogue or feel for those sections. It's either total brevity (much like Nash often writes) or it's rich with elaboration and texture and taste. The in-between area always fall just a little flat, a little grey. You seem like a word guy (e.g. versimilitude/multifarious chicanery)...you could really vamp some of your writing with 'choice' words. Not long words. Rich words. You know the ones. When you read them, you want to say them outloud. You can taste them. IDK. I'm good at giving unsolicited advice as opposed to applying it to my own sometimes. What can say? Writer! lol

YOU'RE, I mean. Where IS that Grammer Nazi? lol

Your crazy. I always like your stuff. Yea, there is some really unique talent here, but you certainly hold your own.

You know what you should do? Write an independent chapter titled Verisimilitude. Let the chapter write itself, as the word defines itself. Could be really interesting. You could even pick characters out of a hat. I have been thinking for a while now, that it would be fun to scribble some odd characters and their descriptions on small post its and just pull a few from a hat and bam! There's my protagonist and my antagonist. 'Long skinny legs, always wear a fedora, name is Hugo, has two gold front teeth.' That sort of thing. He already sounds interesting. Let it write itself so to speak. lol Do I seem like I'm huntin' for a good, new idea? I am. ugggh. ;)

lol wwb! I think you just like the word 'verisimilitude'. It just rolls off the tongue huh? ;)
When I write something I'm invested in, I definetely research. In this case, the contest is purely fun and when I re-read the previous chapters, the words just started hitting the screen, the action just sort of...developed, and I did a once-over sort of edit. I always wish I'd done something different when I bang out a chapter this fast. That's thing with those 'publish' buttons...can't go back. ha. Thanks for the critique tho. I mean it. It always helps.

Ok, so I took some 'liberties'. ;) I know nothing about gassing someone. I haven't looked back to check, but Robert was not supposed to have a pistol. I had written it to say that when he was shot in the shoulder, he fell, grabbed the rifle laying next to the dead man (and himself) and shot the agent. Maybe I was typing fast and said pistol? not sure. I did omit any hardcore explainations of The Society and why's, how's, and when's. Not enough room It was action or exposition-couldn't have both. I chose action. lol.
Though I may not have explained it as thoroughly as I should have, Robert could see the Agent in the corner for several reasons. It's dark outside, the door opens wide, the well-lit entry is visable. Maribel sees Pete, directly in front of her, and Robert, from his angle of approach, has a view of the corner just inside the open door. Maribel would pass right by him, focused on Pete. Least that's my take on it! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment and discuss. Makes us all better writers in the end, for sure.
;)

Good entry wwb! I like the tense action you build and continue all the way through. I do wish you'd lengthened it some, elaborated here and there. (I know how it is, tho, praying you're not over character limit and not up to the job at the chopping block it takes to get it down again. lol) I also really loved the dialogue from Maribel in this chapter.
I gassed the kids (God that sounds bad!)in my chapter also, but I swear I never read yours! Must be something that makes an obvious connection to mass murder, quick, clean endings and corrupt governments trying to erradicate what they deem as 'undesirable'. hmmm. Wonder what that could be? uggh.
Great job, tho. Strong chapter.
My vote: a 3.5

Whew! That was good. That was more than good. Best I've read so far. Maybe best in the contest so far. I am stunned. Your sense of direction and tone and eloquence is natural and satisfying. I wasn't checking (or concerned with) any technical, grammatical errors. I was wholly wrapped in your story and couldn't stop until it was done. Sometimes it's the way in which one writes, the words he choses, the punctuation and imagery he creates that makes a story read effortlessly. You did that, easily. And, for the ending, my opinion is that it was perfectly executed, well written, and ultimately the only end for the story that you wrote. I love that you ended with the image of her placing the muzzle of the gun under his chin and relied on your readers to create the bang, rather than write it yourself. I would've ended it differently,tho not necessarily a happily ever after either. (I'm not big on Disneyland endings.) But I did almost want to see them blaze their way out of there, and at least die fighting, in a haze of bullets and explosions. Nevermind that. It was fantastic. I voted you a 5 and I haven't done that in a looong time.
You got my attention.
Foo

Nice job, nash. As always, I like your tone. Your...brevity. It's as if you realize that less is more and get right to the point without spouting a lot of verbage. It seems to me that defines your writing and I love it. That said, to wrap up this story, I think it needed more. More action, more emotion, more bang. But other than that, it was Nash quality writing. I give it a 3.5, only for want of more. ;)

Last minute pot shot at the finale. Nothing like this rush...hours to deadline, the clock is ticking and I'm at the very, very bottom of this tree with a long way to climb. ;)

Thanks. Looking back, I needed more show, less tell. At least for Roberts monologue. And apparently no one likes that he held Danya over her head the whole time...kinda funny. Actually the very last line (right before I published it) said 'prep Danya for phase ten...' I wanted Maribel to think she'd been somewhat responsible for killing her, holding on to the files etc...and I thought it would be neat to bring her back,in the end. Ah well. Thanks for taking the time to give a thorough comment!

It was terribly difficult to cut out the long, monologue-ish speech. I tried, but ultimately, after I'd chopped through it for my entire morning-I didn't have the heart to cut it. (and I KNEW I should've cut it-or condensed it). lol It wasn't until later that I had a light bulb moment when I realized how I might've done it differently. I was hopped up on coffee...can't you tell? ;) I didn't do much painstaking line-drawing, really. I just jotted down some names, notes and details and worked 'em in as they popped in my head. Hence the exposition. And p.s. I liked dangling the possiblity of Danya-I thought that might be the only way a woman in her situation would sit long enough to hear (and the reader to hear) the back story. Uggg, I'll give it a better shot next time.

Yikes, yea-that was supposed to say 'brother to our founder...Haskell Polansky. uggh.
Thanks for the comments!

Whew, really long, isn't it? Sorry for that. I guess I just couldn't find a better way to 'splain it. ;) I tried to catch as much grammatical errors and mistakes as possible, but I've been working on this for what...4 hours now? That's all I can give it. So, errors included, this is my take on it.

That's hilarious~'eh oh'= 'AHH HA!'

You da man. 5.
Foo

Well, well, well...'Bout time you made it back...;) I think I actually had a conversation with Nash contemplating some possible reasons for your disapearance...came out with a few funny scenarios. lol You're style and imagination are untouched, in my opinion, by the vast majority of contributors on this site. I do agree that it's a bit disjointed from the current storyline. But I loved it! With you, I am never disappointed. So glad you're back- ;) Foo

Not really a stretch, Wolfram. I happen to have a precocious 9 year old! "Like, Mom! I can't take it anymore, like, I just wanna, like, strangle my little brother!" lol (arrgggh)

Thanks-I don't know jack about the FBI either-just making it up as I go...lol!

Ahh wolf--lol! Try to cut him some slack...;) It's really quite brilliant to skip all the b.s. and do what the first chapter led up to...all before the first words of chapter two are read. Brevity is key in a five round contest. (we've done one of these before-remember? who knows how much unnecessary crapola would've slunk it's way into this storyline via a predictable, plodding chapter-lol) Not only that, but I wasn't all that invested in that character-she wasn't fleshed out and with limited chapters she might never have been. ;) Lol...just gotta razz ya a little bit-wolf,and remark that I think this is my fave in this round.

Yes, thank you agg. I thought it was okay to do so, and I rather like the storyteller pov sometimes. It seemed to fit what I wanted to do anyway.

Wooo hoo Wolf!~nice chapter! I always like the way to pace yourself to your cliff hanger. It's clear and definitive and steady.
I think Jake's dialogue was well written, very well written, but it is about 2 or 3 years older than he should be. (but that's not a deal breaker-just a minor age discrepancy) I like the history of our protagonist, but I wanted history into her family's death and how she came to be a stooge of the FBI. That doesn't detract, however. You write so strongly that it's just an alternative. Good stuff Wolfram-like usual!

Thanks hebe-;) I know the rule-don't know why I do that sometimes. It's a blind spot for me, when I'm grammer checking my work. ;)
Thanks wolf, for the kind words. I wish I'd made it longer-could've done more with plot. I was afraid it would be too long, though. Hindsight-gotta love it. ;)

I think suicidal people often toy with the notion of death but are essentially afraid of doing so. It's more comforting to talk themselves into it, to use it as a threat on themselves and when push comes to shove, they find an exuse not to do it. Ten years of self loathing is understandable for a woman who lost her child and husband, and blames herself. I don't know if it's believable or not, that the FBI would send someone deep under cover and drop contact for safety reasons...I thought it was. ;) Not much about this storyline is believable anyway...lol. I wouldn't be surprised if the sinister plot was a basement full of rogue dwarves. (ohhh, that might not be too bad...! LOL)
Foo

Welcome to SM! Your chapter is nicely written, and you had a unique idea with the graveyard of youth. That brings up interesting questions. There are some filler passages like the shower scene, the mother coming for her child, the flashback to Lucy, that weren't necessary. Or I should say, in the right place. You want to grab the reader right away, so shower scenes and flashbacks are not the best place to start. Dialogue, and/or action is the place to start. The chapter would have been stronger had you opened with the graveyard scene (early Sat. morn?). After her sudden realization that all the dead in the cemetary are young, it would have been more profound to hear Amy telling Ms. B that she no longer sleeps, that something is wrong with her. Ms. B and the reader would suddenly begin to see little Amy headed for the cemetary and it would have been an easier connection to make. Overall, you did a fine job of mashing chapter one! I give it a 3 and I'm looking forward to reading more from you in the future! Foo

Agg-Good story. I appreciate that your chapter had clear direction and plodded to it's cliff hanger with steady pacing. It was somewhat predictable; a quarter of the way in I had an idea where you were headed with this. (except for the children appearing on the street-out of the dark. That was a chilling little visual!) But being predictable isn't always a bad thing ;) I just like a few surprises now and again. I liked the cliffhanger last line-always strong to end with dialogue. There was the use of words like "about", "just", and "like" etc that give some of your passages the feel of a magazine article. (that can happen easily when writing in 1st pov). It wasn't too often, but an example would be, "...I just wanted to get into comfy clothes..." and "...about as flimsy as a paper nail." Those words really only work in diaglogue-By ommiting them entirely (except from dialogue) it tightens the writing and makes the narrative voice more certain and clear. What you do very well is pace yourself-I enjoy that and readers enjoy that. Good job and good luck! 4 from me, Foo.

Don't throw in the towel yet, WR. ;)

Fantastic! Your concept was clever, nicely executed and perfect for a 5 round mash. (That alone is a big hurdle for chapters-to stick to the point, show-don't tell, and keep interest tight without adding too much unneccesary information. There are no fillers in your chapter-) This was, in my opinion, the perfect direction; kill her, move on, another character inherits the first pov-now the focus of the story is on the mystery of who, and why. I can't find much to criticize, but if I had to dig I would say watch the over-use of 'she' and 'she had'. Those only detract from sentence structure. Your dialogue was authentic and easy. I'm thoroughly impressed with your chapter. My vote-solid 5-and the easy winner in this round. ;)

Thanks for the comments. I hate to defend, but I wrote the paragraph about Ms. B's past with the intention and understanding that this is only a five round contest-there isn't enough time or space to flesh everything out. It's the writers decision to pick and choose what portions get the meat and which ones do not. In fact, I rather like it that way-sometimes too much is too much. It fits the mystery of the woman herself.
As far as the foreshadowing of Pete; I intentionally did so because surprises can happen and suspense can build when the reader watches a character headed blindly off of a cliff. I'm sure you are right about the tense, but I'd like to check that for sure-It's first pov but in the past tense. As in "I had watched, The wind had blown," as if she were telling a story. I think (?) I can foreshadow that way. Could be wrong.
Thanks again for the comments and votes.

You direction was solid, and you advanced the plot through the dialogue well. As a matter of fact, your dialogue propelled your chapter. You write well, clean, without glaring mistakes and without awkward sentence structure, both of which are refreshing and admirable. My only two concerns (which are no more than opinion) are that your direction for the chapter was predictable. I wanted to see something off the wall and surprising in the chapter. It was very good, but nothing shocked me. Also, chapter one seemed to be set in this strange, eerie, lonely town. I got the sense of something wicked going on behind the scenes, and the idea of politically motivated revenge seems too present-day for me. Overall, you did a fine job, style-wise and in pacing! I give it a 3.5.

Well, I managed to dig out an hour or so this morning to toss my hat into round two. However, I didn't have a chance to say 'congratulations!' to Shad for winning with a strong, mashable entry. Great job-you made up the beginnings of an eerie and compelling story. I've got a kid-free weekend (eek!) so I can squeeze out some time to catch up on all the great entries for this round! This is shaping up to be a really interesting contest!

I guess I hoped that her [Evelyn] character would be what defines her reactions. She's not going to do anything like you or I. She is an older woman from old money; think deep South, refined, charming, and yet scathing and manipulating. You know the type; she walks around with a tinkling high ball in her hand every evening after seven...? This is not to say she isn't emotional; she just wouldn't dare lose her composure. She shows complete bafflement (and anger and pain) that Hale shows up on her doorstep; but she is not the lady to start a jerry springer screaming match on the doorstep. It's just not done. She references control several times; her own and that over others.
This was NOT meant to be a deep, soul searching chapter; it was meant to define a good charcter or two, add a mystery, set up a problem-for the chance that it may be mashed. ;) Thanks for reading it guys-I'm still lagging behind on my own reading here...Foo

I disagree, wendy. I don't think there are alot of writers that can sustain the voice and tone that nash is seemingly comletely comfortable writing in, but I do think it would beneficial for everyone to have to think outside of their own writers-box, find another voice for the talents and essentially spike the punch here, if you know what I mean. Raise the bar. Exercise those latent muscles and really encourage the contributors to work for it. ;) I'm all for a challenging contest-

Done commenting-but not done reading them right?
I can't say my two cents will be much different from the rest of the gang, but jeez, Nash, you really know how to paint a picture. Tell me you agonize over these characters you come up with? Tell me you struggled to find your way into this guys mind? It all comes off so effortless.
For the first minute or so after I read this, I thought it was more charcter driven, less plot to build on for a contest like this. Then, (epiphany!) I realized that it's exactly the right chapter for a five round slamma-jamma. You nailed it. It's got the tense, quick, curious feel of a modern 'The Outer Limits'-(or something Hitchcock-y). Damn you. ;)
4.5 (deduction for all those well pointed out punctuation/tense errors- ha ha)
Foo

Thanks everyone! The dialogue was intended to convey the details (though somewhat vague to maintain suspense)that her son and his father (Hale) disappeared nearly twenty years ago. He believed he was protecting their son, she believed he couldn't protect him adequately. The mystery is in the question, 'protect him from whom or what?' I had attempted to keep some cards in the deck, to build questions and suspense.

If another chapter opens up, I could fill in. Maybe a fifth or sixth chapter-to give me a bit to bone up on my comedy...? ;) Let me know if you need me.

Kudos Wolf~great job!

Thanks Katrina~ I had originally wrote the story in present tense-trying to give it that 'in the moment' momentum but I chickened out. I went thru and changed the tense to past, and obviously missed a few. I noticed them too. I'm a nit-pick for those little things (like formatting) but somethings just escaped me. ;)

You are a charming writer-completely fresh and silly, yet wonderfully well written. It's all so very serious-which makes anything ridiculous sound plausible. I enjoyed this a great deal!

thank you~I still think there is room in this story for some of these coc guys to do some solid dirty work. I like the idea of making her do the heavy stuff.

Absolutely! Currently, we are doing a project together-Giant Rock...? lol I thought that the number of patient files and the murders were coincidental and therefore fodder for my manipulation. You, like me, probably saw this as a way to tie things together. I made notes the morning I wrote this chapter and literally drew lines across to points of the plot that I could make connections to. It was like match this word to it's corresponding phrase-worksheets. lol Good luck to ya--check out tbh's final draft (posted here on SM) of chapter one of Project Giant Rock. Or just check the chapt one draft folder of pgr wiki. It's pretty solid. Foo

Thank you wolf and handwriting. I had holes in my chapter that I couldn't fill and I know both of you understand the character limit. Even so, I should have chopped, chopped, chopped away until I could fit in a plausible ending for Jimmy. Adara would've been vegetable-ized regardless; I don't enjoy writing disney endings. I forgot (duh!) to explain how/why the files were tranferred. The 'Lord's Name in Vain' victim was Charlie; the railroad tracks, the feeling of Jimmy in his head...he yells Goddammit. It was the best I could do to off the little prick. And I agree entirely with you handwriting; in this story everyone is gifted. I, however, did not give them those abilities...by the time we got to chapter ten-everyone had 'the power'. ;) Thank you for the compliments. Foo

My, my, my - sounds like we have a little mystery on our hands. ;) I love the clues, the idea that the reader not know everything...just yet. I am thrilled with the first passage as a memory. And you went thru and added accent-less contractions-so now VT has found his voice. Very good job, tbh. It's really a great beginning.
Foo
oh, yes, 4 vote from me, and you are very welcome.

Yes, Jimmy knew about Adara's original 'sin' before hand-a passage in which he tells Adara that through Lipscomb, and the sessions with Paige, he was able to see what she did-because of course Paige saw it on some unconscious level. She's gifted, but young, so it's an unconscious acknowledgement of her mother-she would eventually see this truth. Jimmy saw this through Paige. But if it wasn't clear-then I didn't do it well, (and was probably one of the passages that I hacked to pieces for character limitation reasons.) Adara went to the warehouses on her own-a gut instinct to find clues to her daughter's whereabouts. Her location didn't matter to Jimmy. And no, there is no resolve with Jimmy. He's in prison, he's powerful. Adara couldn't stop him-I couldn't stop him. The gaps I left were impossible for me to overcome without any more space to write. I like my background story/grandparents passages too much to cut them for a lame death of Silent Jimmy. lol Thanks honey for the comment. Foo

fyi-in case you wander in and see the ranting comment of mine above--note the hidden comment from imposter crystaIfoo. This comment was directed toward that spaz, not the writer of this chapter. But now that the comment is gone and the account closed (nice) it looks like I've gone off my rocker..lol.

Good stuff Nash- I like the humor, but mostly I like the combination/idea of the high-tech security compromising lap-top and the box of matches. The possiblilities for a royal screw up are stacking up. So who's the closet pyro here on SM? Any takers?

I added a chapter to CoC--Seek and Destroy. Foo

All right- I'm hooked! ;) Foo

Who the hell is this? Are you just bored? Get your own identity on SM and stop hiding your lame comments behind someone else's name. Ummm, and what is the truth? That you attempt to snake someone else's handle and comment rudely to our peers pretending to be us, yet you submit nothing of your own to be critiqued? Yep, that about sums it up. Try again. And again if you like. If you're looking for some verbal action-well, we have better things to do here.
FOO (watermarked, 100%, and Certified.)

Welcome! I recognize your sm handle-you've been around here a while. What an impressive list of accomplishments-(I'm a musician as well (violin/piano)-as a career I teach piano lessons.) On a rather odd note; my father built LeeAnn Rhimes first tour bus. (the inside-i guess they have them tweaked and customized..?) here in Houston. Guess you were on that bus...lol! Anyway, glad to meet you,
Foo

I absolutely agree and I know exactly what I would cut from my chapter 5. lol I bet you all know too...;) Well, I'm glad it's over. It was fun but maybe we will all have a better understanding of how we should approach chapters in the next contest; knowing now that hard left turns are not easy to take back-take them with care. I'd be very excited to see an edited,completed TSNK posted-some small changes could really redeem the storyline.

ha ha! me too, wolf. I went thru and deleted the double spacing between sentences too! All of that editing for space completely ruined the format of my chapter; I now have entire passages in itallics and some sentences mashed together. You know, I was told that editors/publishers/agents prefer now that writers submit work without the double space after punctuation. It, apparently, itn't necessary anymore. It was done because of the font of typewriters but word programs and processors have so many fonts that the letters allocate themselves after puncuation to fit properly. Seriously. And yet, I still do it...lol Foo

Good story wolfram~ though I'm surprised you didn't take the battle to a more haunting, religious field. You were setting a really nice tone with the recounting of F.Preston and the scroll. I was expecting more of that candlelit, ominous feeling; maybe an underground occult meeting room, or an abandoned church on the edge of town. I did enjoy that you brought Bohac back, to do do some dirty work for Jimmy. Overall, nice job and good luck! Foo

handwriting~ you make me smile! I'm reading your comments and thinking, THIS is how you should write...like you think, like you talk. The voice that I hear when you comment is your perfect narrator. I'm so glad that you take the critique as constructive. When we write something, and read it ourselves, we automatically read the tone, or understand the level of panic or get the dialogue. The key is if the reader (other readers) get the same feelings, ideas, and shivers.
I need an editor myself. lol And I'm not a 100% sure about the layed/lied thing. I wish I could see my own writing with an observant and detached eye.
Still, 'you done good, handwritin', you done good.' ;) Foo

Hi handwriting! Glad to see there is still interest in this cocntest-and to see some familiar 'faces' chiming in! Ok, my two cents:
You have some odd verbage here and there..'one swift stroke' to take the key out of the engine (that's usually a one stroke move anyway), spooked, scared stiff, sweat accumulating on her cheeks. Those stood out to me, and in places had a hokey feeling. I think your direction was good, and I could see that you were putting your characters in place to create some action. But the dialogue threw it for me. Most of it was unrealistic, or un-like the characters (as we've come to know them). The first quarter of the story, the only dialogue is them repeating Adara! over and over, or yelling Mom! etc. Dialogue should only move the story forward. If it doesn't help anything, chop it. In that same vein, you used dialogue to have Franco tell Adara what she doesn't know (but the reader does) and I find that all a bit stilted and awkward. The interaction and wording just aren't emotional enough. Be careful with sentences that don't read well or make your point. "...what her ears were letting her hear..." I know what you meant, but the sentence is off because it is as if you are saying her ears could decide or not decide to let her hear something...see what I mean? Watch your tense...and it would be lay or layed, I think, instead of lied or lie.
The sherrif...oh, the sherrif. Ok, I really thought that entire scene did not fit with what you were trying to do, where you were trying to go. It wasn't necessary. First, this is Las Vegas-not Woodville, Texas. (sorry if there are any Woodville folks out there...lol) He came across really small town, red neck. He's just an out of place character. You skip the entire dialogue between he and Methra, and just 'tell' us that she did a good job, so the sherrif believes her. Next, I did have a bit of issue (ok, a lot of issue) with the idea that if Jimmy were tossed in the solitary hole with thick concrete walls, he might be less potent, or something. Prison is pretty much one big concrete walled, windowless, fortress to begin with.
There still isn't a good motive for Jimmy, and more often than not, you told the reader the facts of the story instead of showing us what was unfolding. What I did love is the fact that you weren't afraid to have Methra drive pencils through the eyes of the Sherif (absolutely creepy). I love the essence/idea of the final scene. That works..just a bit of rewording here and there. I know what it's like to take the scalpel to your chapter. And I imagine a lot of great stuff was thrown to the floor in an effort to fit it all in. I've read much of your submissions here before, and I know what a talented writer you are. I think this story is pretty overwhelming, mainly because there are so many loose ends to tie, and I applaud your effort to brave it out. (I know it gave me a major headache) You gave a good effort in doing so! All in all, good job handwriting! Foo

Hi Aggeloi~ just read your chapter, and I have some comments.
First, you did a fantastic job of pulling in all of the characters, giving them certain plot-advancing chores (so to speak) and carried them out. There are a few places that your wording/sentence structure is awkward. Example: ...'making me gasp...'-probably would sound better as 'winded me', or something similar. I'm not really fond of the passage (or the idea) that Adara comes to the realization that Charlie knows where Paige is, and she is off to find him. We already had that scene, it seems, in the last chapter (your chapter, actually) and Adara pummels him with questions, briefly fights him mentally and he turns tail. It just seems redundant. I know that you needed to get Adara out of the office and into the parking lot to meet Lipscomb, but another way would have made more sense.
It seems I'm always wanting more 'show' and less 'tell'. I just think that, as a rule of fiction, it's critical. There are passages in your chapter that skip all the action (ex: the mercedes in the parking lot). To build tension, the reader should hear the footsteps approaching, feel the hammering of Adara's heart, her caution, his shifty eyes-something to build it up. I'm also surprised that Lipscomb is a practicing, rosary counting, catholic-uncommon for a psycologist. I do like that he's the key to Adara's answers. The dialogue here is odd; Adara's surprised he violated dr/patient confidentialty, but less surprised that he has been mind-controlled like she and Esperanza Flores. When he (Lipscomb) turns on her, to attack, you skip all of the drama. She runs, and instantly is in her car, safe. I think, again, to build tension you might have shown that sequence...he racing her down the stairs, she tripping, he gaining ground, her narrow escape. etc. etc.
Barton is already dead. Barton was Brandon. I don't like that the ultimate hand that carries out the climatic murder attempts is this guy. It should have been one of our key characters. (I do understand however, how the Barton and Brandon thing came to be misunderstood-so actually it isn't that big of a deal that you assume they are two people.) I love that you have Paige wreck the car, and create a stall. Killing Methra was awesome. Creepy.
I like that Charlie, through his stupidity, is inadvertently helping Adara fight Jimmy...that was clever.
No one hears the pounding of a stake in the ceiling of a hotel room...?
When Franco talks about deciding to leave Paige awake to avoid visions over the more plausible chance she would be controlled by Jimmy--well, I just don't buy it. I like the interaction between Adara and Brandon-as-Franco. I can visualize her holding him, this red-haired 'bad' guy but knowing it's her husband. An awkward but chilling sight.
All in all, you did a nice job, and really seemed to put some thought into pulling the majority of loose ends together. I still didn't find a 'real' motive for Jimmy, but I understand that limitations in length make that difficult. You write well, and my only major complaint...show don't tell. You did a great job! Foo

Ah, thanks shad! Word pad next time then.

No, he never had a first name, but I named him Vincent in my chapter 10 submission. lol

Does anyone know why the formatting gets so messed up when we publish a chapter? Or does this only happen to me? lol I went through the entire piece, corrected all the places where the program itallicized entire passages and when I published, it must have reverted back...? idk, but if anyone does, let me know please? It drives me nuts because I use itallics for very specific reasons, places, voices etc. Now I have entire passages in itallics. Uggh. Foo

Hey Nash- caught up on my reading and I have some comments. First, I have to say that when it comes to crafting a sentence, to feeding images to the reader, you are fantastic. Your words are always necessary words, not fillers.;)
Your first line is absolute and perfect. Great line with 'Destination?...Hell." It tells the reader Adara's exact mood, maybe even her expression without actually describing it. I don't really feel the horror, the misery when Adara thinks about her daughter, and the possibility she's dead. To me, that's her motivation for any will she can muster.
Is 'Quietness' a word?
Love that you kill off Franco. Good characters have to die in stories all the time. It's written somewhere. It's a rule. I do it all the time. lol
Who carries smelling salts? That reference threw me. But I love that she's comatose in the end. It's not the perfect ending, the perfect bow with hugs and kisses all around. The reader assumes that Paige may come out of the coma someday, but who knows...I love ending in which the reader yells out "NO! You didn't!" This wasn't quite that dramatic, but definetely no disney princess ending. Good.
When you stage the battle, in the church and use the imagery of beasts and minions and horns, in my mind I see something like the mental landscapes that are in the movie "Cell". I thought you pulled that off really well.
All in all, Nash, I think you cut the sub-chapters too short and chopped the whole thing up. Every passage you did was fantastic, but seemed surgical-(does that make sense?)
Still it's really good-as usual with you. ;) Foo

Forgive my poor grammer in the above...haven't had enough coffee yet. ;)

Well I'm a dummy...first of all- I didn't know how or where to find 'drafts'...I didn't have a draft option (at least I didn't see one) when I submitted. I found your draft by re-reading agg's chapter 9.
so here are my thoughts: I am really impressed with the clear direction you walk in the story-you are methodically tying in loose ends and that is essential for the last chapter. I plotted my story in that step-by-step manner, as well. It keeps things orderly. For the record, no one, I think will be able to tie every loose end in a bow. There are too many and not enough time and character space...lol.
I love that you saw the perfect connection of the eleven transferred patient files to that of the killers victims. It was too obvious...But you don't give me a motive for why he chose the 11 patients-other than they were sinners and it was laziness to use the doctor to find his victims. There is a thread missing there. (I think the thread is that the victims MUST be Gifted-that was my take on it.)
I don't like the scene with Paige, Methra and Franco coming to Adara's office...the big hugs and hokey feeling are too much. What propels a story (even in the end) is the unknown..the reader's clinging on the edge of his seat because he AND the protagonist don't know what is going to happen. And Paige's life hanging in the balance is one of the biggest nail biters in the story. It's the motivation for whatever Adara does from that point on...You sort of strip that away too fast and too neatly.
Why are they going to a resteraunt to eat...? That seems very anti-climatic. Like a character taking a bathroom break in the middle of a battle. (lol)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the tie in with F.Preston, the scroll, the details of the order and it's initiates etc. Very Dan Brown-ish. It's a way to advance plot AND wrap up questions simultaneously.
What I don't love? The line "Let's go kick some comm killer ****." Sorry, but that has got to hit the choppin' block. No need to explain-it's obvious why. ;)
All in all, you really are working up to something pretty good here, Wolf. Can't wait to see where you take it.

Hey shad! Thanks for the comments and nice words. I spent the day muddling thru the issues that were unresolved. This story has a lot of that! One point: - if jimmy didn't kill anyone, then why is he in prison? I guess it could be for grand theft, or robbing a bank, but that just didn't seem his style. I just interpreted it how I needed to. ;) thanks again and welcome to storymash! Foo

Thanks. Yes, um actually it was a bit of V.C. Andrews fueling the idea behind the Grandparents. When I went back and re-read all the chapters (1-9) what stuck out most to me was the fire and the death of the grandparents (in ch 1). Just wanted to add some funk to all ready funked up story...lol. My brain hurts from this--spent most of the day jamming this one out. I will catch up and read/vote/comment on your chap tomorrow. Thanks for the comment (and Welcome to SM-Congrats on ch 9) Foo

I like your chapter-the direction and clarity. You make it easy to understand the motives behind the characters and their actions in this chapter. Great job, and welcome! foo

I'm sorry about the formatting-not sure how that happened, oh, and the length..lol Not sure how anyone can wrap this story up with anything less than a maxed out chapter. So, I gave a shot...tell me what you think. ;)Foo

Hey! Welcome, Aggeloi! I've read your winning chpater for TSNK and your current chapter for the last round. (sorry I couldn't be a part of that-hurricane left me in the dark ages without internet for the past few weeks.) You write well and seem to have a clear outline of thoughts and plot advances. That is certainly a plus...anyone can drone on and on without doing much. You take the rules to heart (as do I) and apply them. That difference can make an average writer really good. Oh, and guess what...I found SM a long time ago on Craig's list myself. ;) Foo

What the hell? I'm doing double takes all over the place here...So Agg and Shad are sisters (or seesters-lol) and HONEYGIOOM is an SM detective who doesn't buy it yet has signed up with what is essentially the original (and never duplicated) Honey's handle? hmm, ok. I'm not sure if I should chuckle or what.
Or what, is my guess.

On another note, I'm online again! The hurricane ripped out some serious internet cables I guess, because as of 1 o'clock this afternoon, I was still checking email on the cell phone. So, now I've read all the submisions thus far, and I'll have time tomorrow to post a few comments and hopefully have something worked up for my own chapter 10. Good to see new faces around here, tho...Foo

Fantastic mash handwriting! It was the perfect time to come back to the character and back inside his head. I think you did a helluva job finding Eddie's voice. (That is perhaps the most daunting task in this little budding story.) And finally...a clue to eleven! Loved it! 5 from me. Foo

Hi! Just wanted to drop a line to all of you that I have read all of your submissions, and I think you have all done a great job. Though I have read them, I cannot comment in any depth on them, nor will I be able to vote this particular round. I live in Houston, which means that right now, Hurricane Ike is charging at us and ready to pound...! My hometown on the coast will likely be under water by the time the sun goes down, but I am up high and dry in a hotel in North Houston. So, we will get pounded, but we are in a safer spot than the coastal towns. I feel safe enough here. Well, sorry again for not being a part of this round of TSNK, but I will see you all next round. Foo

Hi! Just wanted to drop a line to all of you that I have read all of your submissions, and I think you have all done a great job. Though I have read them, I cannot comment in any depth on them, nor will I be able to vote this particular round. I live in Houston, which means that right now, Hurricane Ike is charging at us and ready to pound...! My hometown on the coast will likely be under water by the time the sun goes down, but I am up high and dry in a hotel in North Houston. So, we will get pounded, but we are in a safer spot than the coastal towns. I feel safe enough here. Well, sorry again for not being a part of this round of TSNK, but I will see you all next round. Foo

Hi! Just wanted to drop a line to all of you that I have read all of your submissions, and I think you have all done a great job. Though I have read them, I cannot comment in any depth on them, nor will I be able to vote this particular round. I live in Houston, which means that right now, Hurricane Ike is charging at us and ready to pound...! My hometown on the coast will likely be under water by the time the sun goes down, but I am up high and dry in a hotel in North Houston. So, we will get pounded, but we are in a safer spot than the coastal towns. I feel safe enough here. Well, sorry again for not being a part of this round of TSNK, but I will see you all next round. Foo

Hi! Just wanted to drop a line to all of you that I have read all of your submissions, and I think you have all done a great job. Though I have read them, I cannot comment in any depth on them, nor will I be able to vote this particular round. I live in Houston, which means that right now, Hurricane Ike is charging at us and ready to pound...! My hometown on the coast will likely be under water by the time the sun goes down, but I am up high and dry in a hotel in North Houston. So, we will get pounded, but we are in a safer spot than the coastal towns. I feel safe enough here. Well, sorry again for not being a part of this round of TSNK, but I will see you all next round. Foo

I am not one to whine (unless I can pop its cork) and I completely understand the word limit...but brevity isn't my strong suit. I've been struggling to find a way to write horror in 2000 words. Poignant character sketches, yep. Whimsical tales, probably. But horror in 2000 words...I think I have recipes longer. ;) lol I'll keep on trying...and deleting and deleting...and... Foo

Great thoughts Nash, and I agree. Everyone should enjoy the 'mashing' aspect of this site, not just the 'posting' aspect. Foo

so whaddya say? Another stab at Toby? That was really cruising along wasn't it? Wonder where it left off...I'll have to check that.

Hey rocklee...I am trying to see if everyonen is onboard to use the wiki page I created for our forum. Everyone needs to give their opinion on it. It's already set up, so if you'd like to take a look at it and email me (then check your email for instructions from me) and I can add you as a user. It's not a go, yet. Someone might have a better idea for our forum...missfoo@yahoo.com

Hey guys. I just created a wikipage for us for this project. We don't have to use it, if you guys don't like it, or think we need something different, but in my opinion, there is no other greater page to collaborate on our story than an ever evolving wiki. Just an idea. I could only add those whose emails are posted here, as writers (I know that honey is getting everyone's emails together) but for now, check you email box and follow my link/instructions to the wiki. Then tell me what you guys think. Email me at missfoo@yahoo.com if you need to. I'm out for the next couple of hours, but I will check in this afternoon. Foo

Fantastic ideas everyone. Collusion is the only way to create a cohesive story line. I'll send my email along to honey. I was wondering if a wikipage would work for a 'forum site.' I have a wiki page for my students and I know it's free to create a personal one...hmmm? It's an ever evolving webpage so it might just work. I'll check it out and get back to you all if you want me to. Foo

psst...Xvoor. You have until the end of today to revise...if you have time to review everyone's comments and focus on problem areas maybe you can get a revision done in time.

I'm hooked. Loved it! Great characters, great pacing, and a fresh idea. 5 from moi. Foo

Excellent, excellent, excellent! You played out and delivered a phenomenal 1st chapter. Your pacing was impeccable. Your sentence structure was solid and effortless. Five big ones from me! I'll keep my eye on this one...I'd like to mash it somewhere along the line...

Rocklee~ you gotta stop berating yourself. Even if your kidding...I think if you slow it down a bit, find and follow some of the hard and fast rules of fiction, and then let the writer in you roll with those rules in mind, well...you know how good your stuff can be. And I DID like this. Glad you joined the mash!

Hey dd11, where in the HELL have you been? You layed this baby out there like bait, and when the fishies started biting, you went awol. ha! You been out to sea or something? ;)
Glad you made it back to land. Now get to 'splaining some of this. Start with eleven. Foo

Ahh, thanks Dog, but seriously, it's your baby! I just wanted to rock it a little...lol! I too like that this guys just pokes along in his own little screwed up world.
He can't smoke the cigg. Not yet. Not until he earns it. ;)
Mash it again, Dog, for chapter four. Show us the way (and the signifigance of eleven.)

Ahh rocklee, you could be right. :)But the point is, reference it somehow. "Methra was grateful that her silent signal to her one chance at help worked...blah blah something or other..." A teeny tiny bit of reiterating for the sake of continuity is ok, in my opinion.

P.S. When writing 1st person pov, a writer is often granted an unspoken permission to not 'fondle' his sentences or craft them, but instead breathe life into them. Try writing Adara's scene with your eyes shut, and just type. Who cares (for the moment) what the sentence structure is or if there are tons of broken thoughts, or sentence fragments. Those are the 1st pov beauties... Watch the scene happen and just type everything you would feel if it were happening to you, everything you would here. Don't try to add something because it would sound nice. Then go back later and just edit the ridiculous grammatical mistakes and leave a lot of that chopped up, broken thought/sentence stuff alone. It can be powerful stuff. Just a thought, Xvor. ;)Foo

Here's what I'm thinking. First, I think that you have really REALLY made some great connections here along with a few very cool twists. Lipscomb~ he's the one, right? He's the one you are pegging to be the ultra-killer in this, the face behind the mask. It's easy for him, right? He's a psyciatrist so any patients that come to him and open up to him about thier dreams/visions/abilities/gifts suddenly become a part of his master plan. He has the inside track so to speak. Maybe he's got the gift. Maybe he has been planning this for years and only now, he's players are all coming to the casting call. Maybe he intentionally gave these patients to Adara because he knew she had the gift too. BUT, you didn't tell me this. I just sort of read between the lines. In addition, I may be wrong, and this further proves that you need to clarify (at this late stage) all the details you can. No skipping anymore. So, I think I get it, I like the idea, I just want a bit of background. Like maybe Silent could ponder on the doctor and divulge what HE knows about the plan/motive, whatever. This is a great way to lay some ground work without pulling the good doctor out of hiding...just yet.
Silent's escape was far too easy, BUT the entire scene with Silent was good, solid and well written. Find the holes in your story/passage and fill them.
The entire scene with Adara being attacked...You told me, you did not show it. That could have been one powerful, action-packed, nail biting sequence of events there. But you rattled it off like bullet points. Show it happening, man, cuz the idea is right, the moves are good, but you are just skipping all of the good stuff. Show us that Adara's heart is jack-hammering in her chest and that she could feel the rubber gloves (don't tell us he had them on...). You told me the guy slammed/shut the office door. Have Adara hearing it slam, and her sense of dread that comes with that sound. If you pretend to be her (and only her-not the attackers) while you are writing that scene, you can write that sequence of events from Adara's perspective with the passion it deserves. And with that, comes the intensity and suspense that you are striving for.
You often leave out very important clues, connections or knowledge for the reader, but I think it may be because you know these things already and forget that we don't. In your mind, the story is mostly written. Try jotting down a time line every time you do a chapter. Follow it. Find the holes, (like Methra being stranded in the desert. Why? Have her running like the damn wind. Why does she know Adara's been kidnapped? Show the reader Methra having the vision or the understanding.)
Charlie coming into this now is as odd as I've seen it here, on TSNK. First, how does he know? Second, why does he show up in the desert. If you know something we don't, then TELL us. lol. I know it's hard to listen to the ranting of everyone picking apart your chapter, but honestly...you always have the best ideas, the right tone, the definite direction...but you start telling the facts and forget to unfold the story for us. I've been a stickler for this. I know you can do it. You are like the guy on the cusp of his biggest light bulb moment. When you figure out your formula for unfolding the story and showing the action, you are going to be blowing your own mind. If you have time to revise with these thoughts in mind, Xvor, you could have the most exciting chapter thus far.

Seriously, make an outline of your ideas. then fill in the blanks between them to bring the reader to each point. Make sure it's all there, the connections the reader has to make. Leave only a sparingly few, delicious crumbs for others to nibble on, to wonder about.

Rocklee, you really do have great talent. I see the grammer errors (and even tho it's no so big a deal to some, it makes reading and your 'tone' easier to convey when you try harder to pay attention to those.) I agree with some of the lines being "recycled", as handwriting put it, but then again...this is a hard character to write and indeed, that IS his voice. So, I'm okay with that. What I would have like to see? One slightly different diminsion to Eddie. Like maybe a flashback to childhood, or something that makes him a bit more like human. Thus far, he is a cocky, bad-mouth, mental case. Now is a good time to start filling in the blanks; his age, his history (some), his motive...the actual murder that starts chapter one. LOVE the twist at the end. I wanted to see that coming and wrote chapter 2 with that in mind. Great job! Now, handwriting...I take it your up next? ;) Foo

Yeah, signs are like horiscopes...open-ended. ;)

I posted on the forum page-I'd like to take a crack at this, too! It looks like I'm number seven. Intriguing prompt, Honey!

I'm game~~~I believe that's seven...?

Yes, Chloe, that is true. I'm a bigg-o Lennon fan and I've seen that clip in several bios and docs. I can't remember if the entire art show or just the one wall was pure white (think it was the show) but it was indeed a huge canvas of white, a white ladder leaning up against a white wall and there was a magnifying glass through which you could see the word, 'yes'. Pretty cool. Lennon was looking for signs in his life, and I guess that was a big one for him. FOO

Rocklee~hey. I just realized you posted a chapter 3 to this...Gosh, I've been crazy busy and didn't even REALIZE. I'm rushing off to do something, but when I get back..I will read this! I'm excited the story is getting mashed...Dog has killer ideas doesn't he? Foo

thank thank you...;)

I just googled Earth and Sky~ found the Corpus link! Girl, you have talent and credit behind you in your little resume. I am not familiar with JDJ, however, as much as I love theatre and after what I've just read, I think maybe I should know about him. ;) And Magenta? In RHPS? Love it. "Dinnah is pre-paared!' ;)

Sounds like an apt story...I've got an ear tuned to CNN right now and suddenly overthrowing government and small scale anarchy doesn't sound so bad. lol Post your stuff; I'd love to take a look. Foo

ahhh, I knew I had a reason to like NaNo. ;) Sounds like a lot of fun-makes me wish I had kept at it.

NaNoWriMo..? Seriously? Me, too. Only once tho. (I want to try again) And I didn't finish well, but that's not the damn point. The point is, I thought (and think) it's such a good and theraputic idea for writers. I, too, finish nothing. One tiny reason why I love SM so much---I don't have to. lol I have that book, "No Plot, No Problem." I thought it would cure me of my writer's block. Then I ran around telling everyone I know that "I am going to write a novel in two months" blah blah blah. I was serious. I then became prego and spent the remaining month of my mission cramming cookies and marshmellow fluff into my mouth. Hey, don't judge--I had priorities. lol ;) Foo

What a small world~ No, I've never heard of it; I'll google it, tho. I wasn't in Port A in '95 (I'm 31-so I was graduating from H.S. ;) but I would be willing to bet I know and worked with some of the actors you performed with. :) Foo

Blackhand~Yes! I did get into Temple of the Dog. Another powerful supergroup. Please do check out Mad Season...one of the greatest I've heard. (you can thank me later...lol)
L. Staley was a tremendous loss for rock and roll. tremendous. On my short list of musicians I would bring back if I had such power; top two are Lennon and Staley.

I think I was twelve too, when I first discovered King. For me it was The Talisman. To date, he is my all time favorite writer. Sounds like you have an interesting job and great taste in music, as well. Did you ever get into Mad Season (Layne Staley from Alice and Chains-super group)? One helluva album. Staley's best in my opinion. Good to meet you! Foo

I think I was twelve too, when I first discovered King. For me it was The Talisman. To date, he is my all time favorite writer. Sounds like you have an interesting job and great taste in music, as well. Did you ever get into Mad Season (Layne Staley from Alice and Chains-super group)? One helluva album. Staley's best in my opinion. Good to meet you! Foo

Wolfram~Story Mash's newest comedic relief. lol Thanks for the chuckles~you have a bright future here; grab your shades. Now, when you shoot to the stars, don't forget I was your biggest fan last round. Right? Right. ;) Foo