Discussion of "Thou shall not kill- a voice in the darkness" by chloe

Ooops! I hit publish by mistake when my cat trotted over my keyboard! It was basically done but the name was going to be Thou shall not kill- a voice in the darkness.

Wow...I mean seriously, wow! Even though I'm not really sure where you're taking us with this, I love it! I almost wish I hadn't of wrote mine! Awesome chapter!

Hi expressionarchitect,
Thanks so much! To be honest, I wasn't really exactly sure where I was going either at times. lol! I hope it didn't seem too long winded. I can't wait to read the others-now that mine's out of the way. This is loads of fun- so glad I stumbled on the website.
Chloe

Well, I have to say that I enjoyed reading your entry! I believe you picked up on the last 2 chapters' themes and carried them through nicely. I love the your descriptive words...your hint of humor. Very expressive and well written.
The build in tension while getting to the school was never used, though. I felt like it should have exploded somewhere, with a death or abduction. Finding out an old principal was back at the school and was involved with Sanchez just wasn't edgy enough to release the pent up energy at the end of the story. I was wating for something breathtakinly phenominal to happen, and kind of felt a little let down at the end. Maybe some interaction at the jail to give us some clues as to their relationship or involvement with the murders would have helped?

Thanks Persephone,
I keep forgetting it's only ten chapters so it should move at a faster pace than a traditional novel. Good Point about the tension. I did want to stay away from the abduction idea, although I pondered it for a while, as I figured it might be a little expected, but something else equally explosive could have worked to resolve the tension from chapter two. Thanks again , your feedback is always insightful and appreciated.
Chloe

This is how it’s done, folks.

Keep the mood worrisome through transit, spicing the drive with the dregs of reality to establish a deeply dimensional setting. Provide viable reasons for concern – the phone line dying (due to Mrs. Wagner’s ineptitude?), the Biblical Armageddon-ists, the hooker-as-anyone’s child (or Nona). Great touch with the family counting thumpers.

Edgy conversation when Paige calls Mom back; cover the points in believable speech. My favorite lines: “No point troubling Mrs. Wagner. She would be useless and besides, she had a weak heart.” What an exquisitely underhanded approach to kindness.

Nice touch with the Catholic school. Makes sense, considering the religious overtone of the story. Father Preston impressed me as a little over-the-top, but for a primary suspect, it makes sense – there were times (when he interrupted the meeting with Margaret) when his sinister nature ran thicker. For some reason, I pictured Dennis Farina. Another great line: “If eyes were the window to the soul, Father Preston had little of either.” Considering the accusations of curtains of silence with the religious hierarchy in the 80s, Margaret’s sudden departure to an unnamed Carolina is feasible too.

Even so, Father Preston provided intrigue – he knows a little more about of her powers than he should, but why? Humor – the bumper sticker. And a strong hanger for the next author which encompassed Miguel Sanchez, lest we forget his importance to the storyline.

Nit: the typos became distracting. Spell check. Tsk-tsk.

I’m glad I didn’t have to run up against this chapter. It’s hard to run when I’m not wearing any socks. (5)

Nashvillebecker
I'm really flattered!!! So glad you enjoyed it- your chapter was a very tough act to try to follow!

Sorry about Father Preston being a little overdone- (Yes, I had to google Dennis Farina lol!) I wanted to give his character just enough edge but admittedly went too far with it- he was just so fun to write as menacing. I initially intended for him to be a little more ambiguous or subtle and shadowy- even the potential to be an unexpected antihero- but I should have reined him in.
Sorry about the typos too- I think my cat has literary ambitions(see comment 1) and in an effort to remove her from my keyboard- pushed "publish" a little too soon. But feline intervention aside, I still am a lousy typist and even worse proofreader! mea culpa.
You and Persephone put the wheels in motion for some really interesting possibilites. Thanks again for really taking the time to critique my work. This is my first storymash contest and I've gained so much from everyone's feedback already. I'm sure you'd do just fine without your socks!
Chloe

My goodness:) That was awesome! My only nit-pick was that the Father was over-written. But he makes sense as a villain so in the end it’s all good. I loved the spices of humor you added. You have a great touch for comic relief. Just great all throughout!

Hi Honeygloom,
Thanks so much. I tried to make the villain sinister but may have hammed him up a bit-I don't think I've written a villain before so that's good advice to watch out for- they're harder to portray believably than I thought. Thanks again, I try to put some bright spots in there to balance to doom and gloom.lol!
Chloe

Excellent work, I really liked it and don't worry to much about those typos, the hmuan mnid can raed aynhtnig as lnog as the frist and lsat lteter are in the rgiht palce....5 ***** stars from me.

mcrum24
Thnaks so mcuh! haha! I did click the publish button a little sooner than I'd meant- (my cats help me type-see comment 1) but even so I'm a lousy typist and proofeader. Thanks for understanding and so glad you enjoyed my work.
Chloe

Loved this chapter. You've written it very well. Though I did feel the story didnt move forward too much..we have a suspect! And that too a very interesting suspect with a connection to the first murder. Loved that little twist in the end.

Thanks Vinnie P,
So glad you liked it. I guess I did sort of slow things down a bit and with only ten chapters maybe I should put in more "action". I definately tried to plant a suspect- or is he? lol! Thanks so much for reading and commenting- feedback is really helpful as I'm new at this. Cheers!
Chloe

Excellent writing, cloe. Let me first echo both nashvillebecker's laudatory remarks and those of Persephonie. I particularily liked how went "off track" (I don't know the writer's term..lol) when Adara took a wrong turn...the scene with religious freaks. I was riding high until the end and, well, I have to say the ending was a bit of a let down. No biggie, though. Top three for this chapter in my book and 5 points.

Thanks so much! Sorry about the ending- I think it seemed eerier in my own mind than it may have read to others. Definately something I need to keep in mind. I really wanted to delve more into the psyche (I know pretentious word lol) of the characters- I guess it just fits my style better, but I need to get out of my comfort zone and start trying to write some real action. Thanks again for your feedback! Can't wait to finish reading the other entries!
Chloe

This was my favorite line: “…resembled an exotic glistening sea creature trapped in a net of tuna.”

Fantastic chapter. You have a real knack for storytelling and I found I was wide eyed throughout…even if the excitement level wasn’t what one might have been expected. That’s a testament to your skill. I don’t think that it was necessary for a large payoff with this chapter. (in terms of an abduction, etc). It is only chapter three and some additional plot was needed for this storyline. A new twist. A new sinister character. (Although I do agree that Father Preston felt a bit swelled up in the sinister guy department, still, not a major issue at all)
I really liked your chapter two and thought it had a great chance of winning. I recall comparing it to an episode of 24 with its ‘television’ sitcom like feel. I certainly hope you took that as a compliment. This one had a similar feel for me, although it was more down to earth. More NCIS than ‘24’. I think more than anything it’s the way you craft a tale that lends that feel to it for me. I can see how others may not get that. I just find your style translates into a good visual in my head. I really like it!
This is only the second chapter three I’ve read so far and I’m voting another five. Great job!

Thanks dogdeity11
Thanks so much! I'm really glad you related to my style of writing- I know some readers commented they would have liked to have seen more excitement- understandably considering the genre - I guess I need a class in "action writing 101"- but I do feel some of the most compelling parts of a story can be the "down time" to get inside the character's head or develop a sense of place- and in this case, Vegas is almost a character unto itself.
I get a real kick out of your TV associations-24 csi, because I'm a pretty devoted discovery, nova kind of girl (Ok and project runway!)- and I did take your comparison as a compliment lol- hey, those shows did pretty well for themselves, they must be doing something right. Thanks again for your positive feedback.
Chloe

I completely agree about 'downtime.' I dont think you have any issues wrting action. Your chapter two installment proved that. I think this chapter had exactly what was needed out of chapter 3.

Phenomenal! Brilliantly written, tying in the past couple of chapters smoothly and introducing an intriguing character! I really enjoyed this :)

Thanks so much Vivicaliqueur!

So glad you liked my chapter and thanks for sticking up for Father Preston (lol)- I definately was going for "ominous" with him and thought his connection to the church would up the ante.
Chloe

Also, I do not think the Father was over-written or over done at all!
He was perfect. I enjoyed the intensity of his character. It is what brought that eerie, ominous feeling back into the story.
The second chapter to me lacked the gritty macabre that was introduced in chapter one. This chapter started to bring that back, thank goodness ;)
Also, the ending was great. I loved how you left it with the Father visiting the prisoner.
Wonderful.
I'm rooting for you! :)

Beautifully done! This flows nicely with the first two chapters, and I especially liked the humor. Adding the backstory with the Priest also gave it a nice, three-dimensional aspect while introducing a villanous character. I thought it might have gone a bit long in a place or two, but not to the extent that it detracted from anything. This is a fantastic chapter.

This chapter was well written. It is my favorite one. I wish you well....

Many thanks theblackhand! I had fun getting in touch with my dark side(LOL) Best wishes to you too- I was a little hesitant putting stuff up there- your work is a force to be reckoned with.

I have to be honest--I was completely thrown off by the first couple of paragraphs of this chapter. I found myself thinking, "She doesn't know how to get to her daughter's school???" and being completely confused. I'm glad that you explained the reason why she was using her GPS in the third paragraph, but I would have been less distracted if the reasoning was explained within the first paragraph.

You gave some GREAT description regarding the "bad" part of town--I could picture everything!

When the bible thumper banged on her car window, I got chills. This was an awesome touch.

I notice a few very distracting typos throughout the chapter such as inpatient (instead of impatient) and seemier (instead of seedier)--watch out for these in the future. Running your chapter through spell check may help you catch some of them.

I really liked the flashback that showed interaction between Adara, Franco, and Paige. It gave us a better idea of who these people were and added to their characterization.

"If eyes were windows to the soul, Father Preston had little of either"--great line!

The dialogue seemed stilted beginning with the flashback of Adara talking with one of her teachers. It could use some work.

One thing that bothered me was that you wrote this chapter in the third person point of view instead of the first person point of view--these types of things are important, as they can either help or hinder the flow of the story.

The ending of your chapter was very interesting, and I'd love to see where it goes! Great job.

Thanks Katrina,
That's a great point about the shortcut to the school- I wanted to start off with a lot of tension but if readers are wondering what kind of mother the character is instead- that's an oops-same with the change in point of view. I'm not sure why I did that(?)
I did want the dialogue with the teacher to sound slightly awkward as Paige might have been nervous confronting Sister Margaret but I may have not communicated that effectively :(
On a practical note- this may sound stupid but is there a spell check on the page used for writing on this site? It's my lifeline on Word!-I've been writing in the box provided but do most writers use another program and somehow cut and paste? I'd like my writing to be as unencumbered as possible and let the reader focus on whether or not they connect with my story and not be destracted by my typos.
As always- a great learning experience for me. Thanks again for your insight.
Chloe

I think most people do their spellcheck in Word and then paste it in....that's what I would do, anyway! :)

Chloe:

Just as a personal note, I do my writing in Word and then copy and paste it into the box on SM. It's so much easier than trying to proofread it in that small of a space or even after hitting submit and having to go back and edit it. Just a suggestion! good luck!

Thanks expressionarchitect!!!
I was going a bit crazy writing in that miniature box- (plus I realized my spelling errors far outnumbered everyone else's.) I Probably should have thought of that (slaps self on forhead)Thanks so much- and congrats on a great Chapter 3!
Chloe

Chloe:
Yours (chapter 3) is amazing also! I'm somewhat blind (not really...I just have a really high prescription!) so that little box is horrible to me! Good luck in the final judging tomorrow!
expressionarchitect :-)

The chapter was fantastic. I could gush about what was right about it, but everyone else has already done that. I could say what I thought was wrong with it... but there was nothing wrong with it. I'm humbled by your skill.
However, I wish you had written it in first person. This is the winning chapter... so now the flow of the overall novella has a major hiccup in it. Should we write the next chapter in first person or third person?

Thank You Shadowedpen!
So sorry about the mix up in point of view. I really don't know what happpened -No,it wasn't an artistic device on my part - just a big oops!
I can only suggest to write in whatever person you feel the most comfortable with and whichever you feel continues the story coherently. I definately didn't mean to add more of a challenge to an already tough competition. Mea culpa. I'm a bit new at mashing but with each attempt I get to learn how to improve my writing and fine tune things I never would have thought of. Thanks for your feedback- I'm really excited to read the 4's. By the way your Chapter three was an outstanding entry!
Chloe

Congratulations on a victory well deserved!!!

Many Thanks expressionarchtect! I really thought you had nailed it- after all, you won the popular vote! Thanks for your support and feedback! Looking forward to reading the chapter 4's!
Chloe

CONGRATULATIONS, CHLOE!!!!
Well written and well deserved.

Many many thanks writerwannabe!
I'm a little surprised but really excited! Thanks for you constructive feedback and encouragement over the last two chapters.Can't wait to read the next round!
Chloe

Chloe....a very well deserved win. Also welcome to storymash. Your writing shows tremendous potential to do great things here on SM. Post more of your writings here and make yourself known.
This chapter has made me a fan.
Congratulations....

Many Thanks theblackhand!,
I'm really excited to be part of this site. I know there are a lot of seasoned writers out there and the feedback and critiques I've received have been invaluable already. I'd like to try to really stretch my very rusty writing wings. Hope you plan on writing a chapter four- I've got goosebumps already!cheers!
Chloe

Thanks DwayneHoover!
Can't say I'm up on "streetwalker" fashion so I kind of let my imagination go with that one!(lol)- Can't wait to read the next installments.
Chloe

Well, I've been too busy (and trying to write one myself) to read the chapter 3's, but now I've read yours and I'm just as glad I didn't get mine done, since you did largely what I had in mind, but probably better. Aside from losing the first person pov, and the spelling and grammar errors, my only gripe is that you didn't carry the story very far forward - you mostly wrapped up what was added in the previous chapter. We're down to 7 chapters and still have only one of the the 10 murders committed!

By the way, pfeletrcy rebladae jeblumd wdros need to hvae all the crecort ltretes, too!

Come on, gang, it's time to start on chapter 4.

Thanks Silver,
That's funny you had a similiar idea- it would have been fun to read!
I know people worry about moving the story forward a lot but I have to disagree a bit.Ten, commandments + ten chapters = ten murders- a far too predictable way to go, especially for a group as creative as this. I think the reader has to get to know, and identify with the characters before they can care about what those characters are doing. Too much action, action, action loses its impact. A roller coaster needs its peaks and valleys. Plus, I can't say I'm much of a fan of gratuitous violence (reading or writing it) so I tried for more suspense. I know my favorite part of Hitchcock's movies are the ones where "nothing" seems to happen. Oh, well seven chapters more! Thanks, I love getting feedback. Can't wait for the chapter fours.
Chloe

I agree that it doesn't have to follow the one murder per chapter format that springs first to mind. But I still believe each chapter needs to carry us a long way if we're going to get the story told. Which is all just more learning for me. Now that I've gotten my story first-drafted for H.A.C., I can turn my attention to a chapter 4, I hope.

Hi Silver,
I hope you contribute!, I think there are only two so far. I skimmed them and they're pretty amazing!- but it's fun to have a bunch to compare. What's H.A.C.?- I'm the new kid on the block (lol)
Chloe

You're the new kid? So's H.A.C. Check the latest blog entries - SM has started collecting horror short stories for an anthology project. They call it Horror Anthology Collaboration. If you care to read my first draft of 'Belovéd Daughter', please give me any comments you might have.

Oh, and I haven't been around all that long myself - 'bout a month, I guess.

I'm hoping to contribute a chapter here soon, which means I won't read any entries yet. I don't want to be influenced by a competitor's work, especially accidentally.

Many congrats to you! (Sorry....gone dealing with an emergency)....I am looking forward to reading future pieces from you!

Thanks Persepnone!
You set the wheels in motion for an exciting ten chapters!
Chloe