huh?

Wwb, I think you wrote a great story here. It's so funny to see everybody's different opinions. I'll give you mine so you can add it on the pile. I didn't mind the blood, or the use of the word "babe," or anything like that. To copy your use of the word "verisimilitude," I thought when the kids had supernatural mind powers it went off into the twilight zone. However, as you may have noticed in my chapter, government conspiracies intrigue me; so that dark spot came with a silver lining, for me.
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I will say this about your writing in general, and it begins with the title. While the use of lots of big words is impressive, it doesn't always lend itself to good writing. I think a general litmus test of vocabulary use is: if you think anyone other than academicians can read your work without the use of a dictionary, then you probably did something right. Up until very recently I was guilty of the same thing. I let somebody read some of my work, and they got frustrated b/c they didn't understand some of the words, and something clicked in my brain. I hope you take it to heart; your writing is already very good. Good luck in the contest.
B.

I thank everybody who made comments on this. It's nice to get feedback about how your writing is progressing. I'm also an aspiring novelist, and little things that people point out on this site occasionally allow me to go back, and improve the writing that I really invest my time in. Congratulations to whoever the winner is.
B.

This is undoubtedly a very well written chapter. I liked it quite a bit. However, I do have to say that as much as I was on board with it through the explosion, I felt equally disappointed when the Society showed up in robes. For starters, what were they doing there? Were they thinking: well if I guessed right, and I usually do, the FBI will fail to stop Maribel and Robert from getting the children out of the gym through the back door one minute before the explosion, and then logically they'll come running through that hole in the fence, that's been there for years, right into our arms? The supernatural quality perplexed me as well, since they did seem so scientific in the lab. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but robed Society people humming in the forest definitely through me. I did love the writing though, and commend you for grasp of structure, wording, and pacing. Well done.

This was very well written, and it's interesting to read the original author's conclusion. I did have some problems with the plotting, even though most of the writing was mechanically flawless, except for this line, "This had to the lesser of two evils." That could easily slip through during a proofread though. I did make the same observation about Maribel's prowess as a fighter. I used to take Jujitsu, and I've witnessed first hand that their punches don't tend to do a lot of damage. For that very reason I found the fight with Pete much more convincing because she was stomping his feet, and kicking shins, etc. A lot of women, even men for that matter, learn to drop a guy simply by striking the groin. Brute power saps valuable energy, and often times leads to an unnecessary tug of war. As a trained FBI agent she would have learned more effective tactics. Apart from that I was also confused by the ringing phone ploy. I felt like I needed to be informed about whether or not she was having hallucinations, or the kids were disappearing; it confused me. And Robert did seem to pull a nifty disappearing act, and extracted one of the children no less, and made it to the helicopter first; that's talent. The fast paced writing did pull me in though. Overall I liked it, well done.
B.

I decided that the name mistake was too distracting. If you're reading this please vote on my revised edition. Many apologies.
Thanks.
B.

Yeah, as soon as I read the first line and saw "idiosyncratic conundrum," I just stopped and laughed for a second. I'm sure you meant this as a joke, or just thought you were being clever. Since I like to try and keep some faith in the human race I choose to believe that when you created this you wanted to amuse people.

B.

Hey everybody. Sorry I had to revise this, but I made a fairly big mistake with a person's name. If you're reading this, and you voted on the other version please vote again here. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thanks again.

B.

Interesting response. I know it will never happen. I'm actually writing a screenplay now about how it never could. I just wrote this on a whim b/c I was sort of in the mood, and then I decided: what the hay, and I posted it.

In response, one aspect of your story that I disagree with is that only culture has an affect. Of course, there are so many cultures that are totally intertwined with religion, such as Thailand and Buddhism. However, for converts who come from a different culture to a new religion, certain points are stressed. For example, the Koran repeats over and over again (to promote the spread of the religion) that everything visible from their minarets should be considered Muslim, everyone in that zone should convert or get out, and there are no borders around the world. Naturally this mindset applies to converts as well, from any culture or tradition.

In short, I think it's both. Maybe we're just doomed to fight as a species. Thanks for the extra chapter.

B.

Ouch! You're right, I did change his name to Fred. I didn't even notice until you said something, thanks. Sorry to any other readers. Pete's name is supposed to remain as "Pete," ignore Fred. Thanks for the comment.

B.