Discussion of "The Unknown: Children" by annalia

Nice content - good hook at the end. Increases the mystery.

I think the writing was good. I think you had some very nice bits there.

I just don't think the story was advanced forward at all.

I will give it a 3.0

Good chapter. Interesting ending. I am intrigued by the introduction of the cat.
Very creepy and sinister. 3.5

Very interesting. Technical writing was good. It felt very normal, and didn't get too creepy until the end. I liked the description of the cat. It's been said before, but it didn't move the story along too far, and I really wasn't too sure where you were going with it. 3

It was very good writing, as others have stated, and the hiss certainly leaves a good hook (and a nice open direction for the next chapter). It would have been nice to see something come of Jake's dad seeing Jake's morose face, or to get a few more clues about 'they', but it was still a solid chapter. I give it a 4 - good luck!

Welcome to Storymash, and a very nice debut chapter. Like the others, I felt it was lacking in plot development, but I liked the cat at the end. I think you could have set up more hints to what that cat might be about in earlier parts of the writing, though. All in all, a good job. 3.0

Welcome to SM! This is a very well written first entry. I agree with everyone else's comments that your chapter didn't move the story forward very much and I, too, liked the cat at the end. Overall a very good first effort. My vote: 3

This chapter didn’t move the plot along at all really, just a hiss at the end which might not even be sinister. Ms.B is very nervous and distracted for an FBI agent. You should watch your descriptions too, “Several familiar faces waved” for example. Faces don’t wave of course. Take a little extra time to proofread. I like the connection between Jake and Amy. And I like how you described Jake as ‘haunted’, very creepy. Overall, I think this needs some work but I applaud your effort. Nice job!

"And in Emily's eyes, oh God,..." This line was great--I feel like we're getting somewhere personal with Ms. B.

Your chapter was well-written but sort of flat, almost robotic-sounding. Also, not enough happens in this chapter to keep the story moving.

Good effort!