Discussion of "Thou Shall Not Kill Part 6: Avestan Zarathustra" by allisonaustinartistry

I just wanted to add that I had intended to make the religion Mithraism mock the ten commandments which is why they kill people in that manner. I hope you enjoyed my story, I am new to this, but I do have a passion for writing...that being said, horror is not typically my genre, so for anyone that did like my chapter, thank you, it means a lot to me.

I love this chapter. I think it has a great recipe for sucess. It has enough detail, intrigue, suspense and facts. I looked up the name Avestan Zarathustra, and I must say that I was impressed. You did your homework. You sure do have my vote, I liked your more than any of the others that I have read. It turns out the way that I was hoping it would. In the 5th chapter, I was like "bummer, I didn't want father preston to die, I wanted him to be the bad guy"...I'm not much of a writer myself, but I joined this site because I do love a good read. Two thumbs wayyyy up.

Thanks so much, your opinions are greatly appreciated.

good job. This story was very nicely done. I hope that your is the next chapter posted.

Thanks so much for your nice comments, and your vote.

I like your chapter, but didn't you miss the Aug 17th dead line?

Thank you for commenting. I dont think I did miss the deadline. I actually published it on the 15th, but for some reason it shows the 17th.

I think there are a lot of cool, unexpected things happening here and love that you researched the topic and wove that in. I found the very lengthy paragraphs a bit taxing however, and it takes us awhile to get into any real plot development. I also was very confused by the Desiree character and how she could possibly be alive and well enough to speak and attempt to help Adara, after having been thought to be murdered.

Thank you for taking the time to read my chapter. I do agree with you that I draw out some sentences, I guess I just really like detail.

Hi! Glad you came to mash! I have a few thoughts about your chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed the direction your chapter went; however, with a bit more attention to basic sentence structure and the right amount of elaboration for key scenes, this could have been (in my opinion) one slamming chapter. Watch your run-ons. The majority of your chapter is run-on sentences. The beauty of writing a good story is crafting the perfect sentence. Watch your tense, and when possible, replace or omit words like 'it'. Sometimes, flipping a sentence around will make the words flow more smoothly. Ex: "...The jagged points of the rocks scratched my hands to where I could feel the blood streaming..." 'to where' is awkward, try flipping the sentence, "I could feel the blood...from the jagged points of rocks that scratched..." etc. I think that a few places could have used more elaboration; for example, the part when Adara hears chanting. You could have drawn that out a bit, added more drama and suspense. Also, more elaboration would have been effective for the exchange between Adara and the woman she untied. This went too quickly and seemed to skip some key reactions that would have to take place between the two. I love love love that you made the woman Desiree. (sp?) I also love that you tied the paganism rituals in with the murders; certainly those loose ends need help. If I could take the Mithras association out of my last chapter, I would...in a moment. It made for cool coincidence with the Methra character (who I firmly believe should be in on the killings) but really muddles things up, by way of explaining the connection. However, it is possible to connect them, and I think you've done the best job, thus far, of doing that. You need to work on the mechanics of your writing, but the ideas and connections you make are fantastic! Good job!

CrystalFoo, your comments are very important to me, I was really looking to try and tie in all of the other chapters to mine. I studied up on Mithra's, Paganism, and Avestan Zarathustra. Thanks for the constructive critisim and your voting is greatly appreciated.

Maybe I’m not looking in the right places, but I couldn’t find any evidence of human sacrifice in Mithraism. It seems women were excluded from worship in most areas and most written knowledge we have of the religion comes from it’s detractors. Which, of course, means it may not be that reliable. I also looked up Avestan Zarathustra and it isn’t a person. Avestan is the language in which the Zoroastrian Avesta was written. I read a few different articles and it seems that scholars can’t agree on just where Mithraism started or how. There were some other historical inaccuracies in your story. The Roman Catholic church didn’t exist or ban anything thousands of years ago. Constantine I made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire in 383AD. The Emperor Theodosius “banned” paganism in 391AD. With all that said, I like where you are going, with a Zoroastrian cult, but I don’t think you needed to sensationalize it the way you did. Mithras (from Avestan Mithra) was once known as the Judge of Souls, that alone, makes a good foundation for where your story went. Couple that particular moniker of Mithras’ with the commonly held belief that Christianity is based on Mithraism and you’re right where you need to be, and all based facts. I did love the hint about Father Preston at the end. You mentioned the name Damian and then said that he was capable of tricking people into believing that he was dead, what a great twist. I also loved that Sister Margaret guides Adara through the dream sequence. It made me wonder if Father Preston hadn’t killed her long ago, and I thought it was fantastic that you wrote it like that.

Love the twist at the end. I like how you payed attention to the chapters ahead of yours (which I cannot say for some...in the first chapter it was written that there were 10 victims, and then a few chapters later someone wrote that there was only 3 victims.) I liked how you went back to the name Damian that was in another chapter where an inmate was referring to Father Preston. Also, the whole thing with Sister Margaret, the idea that I had gotten was that she really didn't end up in "one of the carolina's" that she had been killed, so I thought that it was great that you brought her back, and even called her Desiree like someone had done so prior to you writing your story. I did look up some of the things in your story, obviously some things were a little inconsistent, but when you think about it, this whole thing is a little bit about writing off of inconsistencies, because not everyone writes the same way, not everyone thinks the same way, or even wants the story to go in the same direction. I read in another person's comments that the name Avestan Zarathustra was a language, but I also found it to be a name, as I read he had many names, ex: Zoroaster, Zarahustra, Zarathushtra, and another was Zartosht. It would have been cool to incorporate that he was known in different countries, and that they each had different names for him. Also, I did find human sacrifice, they mostly sacrificed animals though, but of course the story is about human sacrifices. All in all, this is a very nice story, it would be a great choice for the next chapter. Well done.

Nice creepy chapter, good job trying to tie it into the storyline and resolve some loose ends. I found the exchange between the characters to involve a little too much elaboration on background info considering the immediate peril of their situation. I agree with crystalfoo that your writing would benefit from removing a few words here and there. It is not about sacrificing details, but being economical with your words. I am also new here, my contribution to chapter 6 was my second effort on this storyline, and I contributed a chapter the "The Sound Machine" under "Projects". You have interesting ideas, good attention to detail, and create a lot of atmosphere with your vivid descriptions. I look forward to reading more! I think your story of high ranking in this round.

I really like how you picked up your chapter with the dream from the previous chapter. Well done!

In the future, proofread, proofread, proofread!! You have a tendency to write using a lot of run-ons, and these are extremely distracting. Your grammar could also use some work.

I found your chapter hard to read. We need breaks within the text so that the eye can move more fluidly. Give me paragraphs!

The chapter seemed a little rushed, and I hate to admit that the dialogue seemed a little stilted--almost fake. In the future, try reading your dialogue aloud to see if it sounds natural or not.

In the end, it all seemed to pull together a little too neatly. Everything fell into place all to quickly...seemed a little odd to me.

Overall, good effort!

Wow! great surprise bringing "Desiree" out of the past. Nice twist. also liked the way you suggested that adara might have been the young girl dreaming about Daminan/father preston's crimes. Some of the dialogue seemed a bit lesson plan-ish regarding the explanation of the cult etc. but overall i think the twists really set the wheels in motion for a new direction for the story!
Chloe