Discussion of "TSNK-6" by Walkindownaline

Interesting twists! I look forward to seeing where you go with this. I am very curious about Methra's connection to the killer, if any, and is she still alive? What just happened to Adara? Keep it moving, I think it is promising!

I read the first part of this the other day & I liked the twist with Methra being attacked. The cultish aspect threw me a little, because thus far the killings have all been solitary acts & pegged on the same serial killer, though if I remember right, there has been some fluctuation between male/female aspects to the bad guy(s). Public declaration of a serial killer isn't something that would happen if there was any evidence that it was multiple killers, but I might just be over-analyzing. I like that it didn't go in the expected direction.

I thought that the cult twist might be a good way to tie things together. My idea has been that maybe there is cult leader who directs the killings. Could one man really pull of a crucifixion?

With enough imagination and some rope... ;-) Ew, that's gruesome. Pretend I didn't just say that.

I guess that's what I read the opening scene as, one guy doing the whole thing. But there have been a *few* twists in the path since then. :)

Wow! Lots of action! Really liked the way you moved the story along. The build up to Adara finding methra on the floor was reallly well done.Liked the descriptions of the men as statues waiting for life.nice line- also the way you portrayed Paige. Wasn't sure about the silk teddy though- a little victoria's secret meets pagan cult (lol) Also Franco seemed a little gruff and self absorbed for someone who's stepdaughter was kidnapped- but then again I could see more to his character coming out of the shadows in future chapters. I really liked the idea of the cult being in the basement of St. stephen's!- at least that's what came to mind for me wiht the last line- great way to tie things together and in justify Paige's involvement in the whole thing. Exciting chapter!
Chloe

sorry about the typos!

Hi! I'm excited about all the neat twists that you are taking with the chapter. First tho, let me say that typos are one thing, but you called Adara 'Audra' and Methra 'Mertha' throughout the entire chapter. That's quite distracting. Aside from that, I do like your motivation for getting Adara out of the house, so to speak, and into the middle of the 'action'. What I would like to see is more depth to each scene. For example, when Adara wakes up in the chamber, in the silk teddy, tell us what that feels like to her. After all, Adara speaks to us in 1st person, so you can take that liberty. (you can take that liberty regardless of 1st person pov) The smoothness of the fabric could be confusing to her at first, and elaborate on what it feels like to wake up captured and bound, etc. It isn't always necessary to explain every moment of a scene, but it is necessary to make the reader feel how the character feels when they are there, in the moment. In the beginning you write, "...I tried and tried...". Lines like that are more appropriate for dialogue and not first person narration. Remember to draw the line between what sounds 'right' when someone speaks as opposed to what sounds right when someone is narrating. Again, I do like your clear and defined line of action. Each section, I think, could use a bit of elaborating and more personality, tho. Good job!

Thank you for you comments foo. I know that this isn't my strongest writing. I did want to add to this chapter but I was leaving town for the weekend and ran out of time.
Thank you for pointing out the typos. I didn't realize that I was doing that. :-(

Walkindownaline, it is interesting to see how you have continued what you first posted, and I do like the writing. I also think you have introduced some interesting ideas. The cult aspect seems to have nothing to do with the killer dragging his victims into a cave somewhere and killing them in the dirt, and does not connect with any of the visions that Adara has had in the previous chapters. Again, I like the writing, and I appreciate the courage to introduce new twists (I keep trying that :-), but so far I think nasquared's chapter deserves its position.

I think it does fit in with the direction chapter 5 took the story, but I know there are still a lot of loose ends that need tied up in this story. I think that if Father Preston, Miguel, and Methra can be linked to the cult in the next chapters then everything will work out fine.. maybe.. thank you for you feed back.

I liked this chapter for how quickly you advance the plot along — it definitely engages us. I was wondering about Methra and why they wouldn't have killed her (or even if she is just pregnant and that's why she was vomiting and maybe she was in cahoots with the people that took Adara). Things that I think you need to be careful of are point-of-view shifts (it's disconcerting to have Adara's part in first person and then an omniscient narrator in ever subsequent one). You might want to do various first-person accounts in those sections OR put Adara's section into third person, too. Also, try to read your stuff over to avoid calling characters the wrong names, etc.

I was confused about Adara’s motives for going to the office. It seemed to be mental exhaustion that brought her there, but to me that didn’t seem very believable. I was confused too about Adara’s reaction to Methra. Adara suspects her, but walks right past her without confronting her and goes to check on her clients. It isn’t a dog Adara lost, it’s her daughter, her flesh and blood. She seems so nonchalant, I just couldn’t get into the beginning at all. Then Methra, our only suspect at the moment, gets shot. So now we’re left with some unidentified people chanting in a cave as the murderers… or the pervs who dressed the good Doctor in a teddy and tied her to a bed in St. Stephens. Overall I thought this lacked emotion and didn’t take the plot anywhere.

wow. Thanks for the comments honeygloom. I will work on my level of emotion. Is there anything about my chapter that you did like?

Yeesh, sorry, that was a bit Simon Cowell-ish wasn't it? I didn't dislike where you went with the story, I just didn't see any connection anywhere. It could have all worked with a simple "aha!" moment from Adara. Maybe, she sees Methra on the floor and realizes that her poor assistant has just been a pawn of the Mithraic cult... etc. I don't dislike the idea of a cult being involved at all, but I do think you could have spent a little more time and connected the dots a little bit better. You aren't a bad writer at all, but your writing deserves a little more of your time:)
-Honey

Although I liked the writing in the cave scene, plotwise I couldn't find a connection. I have to agree with Honeygloom regarding Adara's reaction to Methra. Though most have ignored or lightly touched upon the name changes, I have to say that really knocked this chapter out of the running for me.

Proofread, proofread, proofread! Your grammar is shaky in some places. One continued typo in particular that was distracting was the fact that you referred to our main character as "Audra" instead of "Adara."

I found the scene where Franco speaks with the cop and finds Adara's note to be awkward. Is it really necessary? It seems a little out of place.

When she woke up on the bed, I couldn't help but wonder why she was wearing a teddy. Is the killer seducing her now? I was thrown off.

Overall, I felt that while you had some really great ideas, your chapter was a little rushed. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!!

Overall, great effort!

Thank you for you comments. I know I could have spent an extra two hours on this chapter, and I wish I would have. A lot of my ideas were left undeveloped, but I was leaving town and didn't have the time to really finish. I also didn't want to miss the deadline.
So... I might give this contest one more stab, but right now I am a little discouraged.