Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill (3) - Connections" by VinnieP

The ending is what did it for me! Someone finally gave ua a real connection between the killer, Adara and Paige...and his reason for being at the school! Bravo! The remainder of the story seemed more explanatory than intense or exciting and I'll admit, I felt it wasn't going much of anywhere until I read those last lines.

The ending is what did it for me! Someone finally gave us a real connection between the killer, Adara and Paige...and his reason for being at the school! Bravo! The remainder of the story seemed more explanatory than intense or exciting and I'll admit, I felt it wasn't going much of anywhere until I read those last lines.

what happened? How did I post this twice? Sorry!!!!!

Titles like “Connections” don’t usually catch my eye. Honestly, I didn’t pay attention to it until I finished reading your story and my first note on the page was “NICE CONNECTIONS.” (I handwrite in all caps or else I’d never be able to decipher my scrawl.)

I especially like the tie of the victims influencing court verdicts in trials. When “bear false witness against your neighbors” occurred, I had no expectations of a follow up on that thread. Inheritance issues leading to “honor thy parents” – it makes sense and oddly doesn’t feel forced. Well done.

I appreciated that connection more than Adara’s familiarity with the murder of Maya. You mention it in passing – pangs of guilt and regret since Adara had “probably witnessed or rather heard the murder.” I had to read back to find the murder happening. I assume that was when she traveled into the other kitchen, heard a scream, and heard the commandment? It didn’t portray the intensity of a murder scene.

That’s my main issue with this chapter. You write neatly and explain thoughts and motivations realistically (occasionally slipping into a more expository feel), but it lacks the charge of the preceding two installments.

Some take home lines: “I must have sounded like I felt because after a few words that I think included Paige and school, I heard Franco saying he’ll meet me at the school in ten minutes.” And the brutal distance-maker, “I’ll tell you when I think you’re ready for it.” That could be crueler than anything the murderer has said thus far.

Nit: LAPD? Typo; I’m sure you intended LVPD.

Some nagging questions: why would the nurse declare Dr. Davis to be “perfectly fine” within minutes of a fainting spell? Could be narcolepsy. Obviously was blackouts. As a medic, I sure as hell wouldn’t greenlight her operating a car so quickly. It’s an easy fix – being a doctor, Adara could overrule the nurse’s opinion. But “proclaiming that I was perfectly fine” was enough of a superlative to pull me out of the page. Didn’t feel real.

Within hours of that, Adara has the vision/spell of the murder. She “managed to laugh and make [Paige and Franco] believe I was tricking them.” I missed that boat altogether. Teenaged daughter and assumed significant other wouldn’t buy that twice in such a short span.

Your pacing is deliberate, your language flows, and your hanger ties yet one more connection. You supply potential answers to questions, but the waking dreams leading to fainting opens up a hole that my head’s too big to fit through. (Let the jokes commence.)

My vote: 3.5

hi VinnieP.
Loved,loved the zinger at the ending! It really tied everyone and everything together- the school, Paige, the phone call,etc,! I liked the way you portrayed Franco also, with the comment about "ok mystery woman"- very believable and spoke a lot to his frustration and alienation. Nice addition.
Chloe

You switch occasionally between past and present tense--make sure to watch out for this in the future.

The part where Adara tries to pass off her vision as a joke struck me as very awkward. Who does she think she's kidding? It made me view her character as somewhat stupid, which is very contrary to how I viewed her in the previous two chapters.

The dialogue between Franco and Adara was awkward as well. Franco goes from being concerned to being pissed off in no time, and it just doesn't seem natural to me.

Your ending was very interesting--I like the tie between Paige and the latest victim. This could go in many different directions.

Overall, good job!