Discussion of "Patricide" by The_Shade

Whuh? What just happened?

Quality establishment of a character and his befuddled situation. Written disjointedly, I believe this is a man who only now regained consciousness. His thoughts swirl [much like his surroundings will] and there is a sense of urgency to finding out more about Isaac Flores.

But why? Here’s a man who was shrunk and transported into a snow globe that has no connection to the foregoing chapters. Nona has returned to life – huh? As an independent story, this could make an interesting opening. As a continuation of Thou Shall Not Kill, it doesn’t make any sense.

Watch your verb tense – your switches between present and past are jarring, and not in a good way. You have some catchy wordplay – “everything was black or white. Even me.” “I don’t like to be told what to do, especially if that meant sleeping in a coffin with a crazy old man.” On the flipside, “uncontrollably bellowed a load groan,” “looked around, all around,” and “[crunching snow] echoed out around me” felt like overkill. I’m willing to accept his unstable mind set – “I must get up! I must find out! I was in this mode of walking forward staring at the ground.” Those felt like moments of a nightmare, perhaps. Which is reinforced by the surreality of life in a snow globe. (No earthquake reference?)

All in all, you have the right address (StoryMash) but the wrong location (new story). I gave you two stars, but for contest purposes, I’m giving a 1.5. I see no reason to change a vote, so I may as well announce them as I assign ‘em.

-- Nash

At first I thought this might be a glimpse into someone else's dreams or life that could help us unravel the mystery. But, as I read on, I found it to be wholly disjointed from the previous 2 chapters, with minor exception to the ending. I just don't feel that this particular continuation fits well. We are forced to look at a whole other person's dilemmas without an offering towards everything else going on, thus far. It might make for a good beginning chapter, or, if fleshed out with other details, involving the other characters, even a good mid chapter. But as a stand alone, it doesn't work for me.

This has the makings of a great story. Definitely an original plot to me. I would rewrite this entirely void of "thou shalt not kill" and give it its own storyline.

I agree with the others. It has no place here, but on its own, the potential could be enormous. Very original....

I love the idea, killing someone by shrinking them and trapping them in a snow globe, but it doesn’t seem to fit this storyline at all. So, while interesting and well written (and eerily like your other story The Graves), this doesn’t move the plot along at all or tell us what happened to Paige.