My understanding is that the money accumulates from people viewing the ads.

Happy writing!

Hi there~
I suppose I felt that there wasn't a real reason to call attention to the CPAP in this particular context.

Honestly, I would have to go back through your chapter in order to explain why I pointed out that you needed to proofread. I typically don't even bring it up unless there were multiple places that were distracting to me.

I understand that there are still three chapters and that not all of the mysteries should be solved--I suppose that the reason I brought that up was because it all seemed to come out of nowhere.

Happy writing!

Hey rocklee~
I came across your comment and wanted to reply. Judging is, of course, subjective, so the reasons that one judge knocks off points may differ from why another judge does or does not knock off points. There is a blog post that details the judging guidelines that each of our judge must follow, if you're interested. It can be found here: http://storymash.com/blog/2008/07/16/judging-guidelines/

Happy writing!

Your chapter was very hard to read, seeing as there were no paragraph breaks. In the future, be sure to break up your paragraphs so it's easier for the eye to follow.

I was a little thrown off by you making a point to mention that Adara was bringing a roll of toilet paper with her...it seemed kind of random.

I'm not a big fan of the "aside" that you made and surrounded with parentheses: "(She is staring me down, he thought...)"

Throughout your chapter, there were several sentences or comparisons or metaphors that came across as forced, as if you were trying too hard. In the future, slow down and restrain yourself from going over the top.

The exchange between Franco and Adara when they're in the car was very awkward.

I noticed that you switched to the third person point of view in the middle of your chapter. Be sure to pay attention to these details in the future!

At the end, you say that "I opened Methra's passenger door and looked around, fairly confident that the clues were coming together." I, however, do not fully understand the clues. I would have definitely appreciated some further elaboration.

Overall, good job!

Great intro! I was definitely sucked in.

Proofread, proofread, proofread! Your grammar could definitely use some work.

Your dialogue seems unnatural and a little over the top. Try reading your dialogue out loud to yourself to see if it sounds natural.

Some of your sentences are hard to read--they seem rushed and thrown together. Slow down and take your time :)

The scene where Barton wakes up to see Paige and Methra tied up had a lot of potential, but it wasn't executed very well. It seemed awkward.

Refrain from writing in all capital letters. Instead, use italics. Italic font is much less distracting than all caps.

Overall, great effort!

Aren't CPAPs just for people with sleep apnea? While the CPAP was a great detail in earlier chapter(s), it seems a little out of place here.

Proofread, proofread, proofread!

The mention of Jenny from Starbucks was great. Details like this make chapters all the more enjoyable to read.

I like that Methra was married to Will Engram. Great twist!

I do have to say that Methra's involvement seemed a little odd. Almost predictable.

This chapter ends on an odd note. We know that Methra's involved, but there's still a huge question mark...

Good job!

The opening of your chapter seems a little out of place...it threw me off and, to me, didn't seem like a very good lead-in.

Proofread, proofread, proofread!

I like how Adara notices when Jimmy leaves Barton's body and then when he returns--this was a good touch.

Overall, your chapter was far too short!

Good job!

You're blowing me away, man. Your writing is extremely clean and easy to read. Very refreshing!

You do a great job of continuing the style from the previous chapter(s) in the story.

"God's Big Ten, as we called 'em at good old Saint Steve's"--great! It's writing like this that makes a voice engaging.

"It was unfortunate my dreams came back just a few weeks after he came into my life"--I'm a little confused. I had no idea that there was a break in Adara's use of her ability. Some elaboration into this would be helpful.

I like the conversation with Esperenza--great twist. I especially like the comment that during the first call, the speaker had an accent, and Esperenza now has no accent. Great!

"When it came to sheer coincedence, I was not a big believer"--great line!

Sick as it may sound, I absolutely love that Paige was used to kill Barton. That is so twisted, and I love it.

There were just a couple of typos throughout. Next time, take the extra time to proofread more thoroughly.

Overall, awesome job! I'm in love.

I'm a little confused regarding how Methra knows that the man is being controlled--I'd like to hear exactly how she has this knowledge.

Who's Paul? This name and person seemed to pop from out of nowhere.

Your writing is easy to read, but the dialogue seeems a little unnatural...slightly over the top.

While I was intrigued by some of your ideas, I felt like you were rushing through the chapter, and this caused your chapter to seem slightly disjointed, overall. In the future, take your time! :)

In my opinion, it's a little far-fetched and convenient that Methra gets out of her predicament so quickly and then goes on to save Paige. And where's Adara during all of this?

Good effort!

Don2Wise~
If you happen to submit your chapter after the deadline, it will not be eligible for any of the contest's rounds. But you are more than welcome to continue participating in the contest by mashing off the most recent round's winning chapter.

Let me know if you have any further questions.
Thanks!